Mistofelees & Helping Hands Menstruation Issue

[notnew]

I wanted to get off of Soc's board with this.

This is notnew's wife. I agree, starting your period is more dramatic for some young ladies then for others. However, it is a natural event that nothing can be done to prevent. The mother has adequate time with the child to explain what will happen, how it will feel, and what to do when it happens. I see this as a blatent excuse for mother to steal time from dad and using the menstruation thing to get her way.

Look, when I started my period, I was well informed, it was no big deal. As a matter of fact, I was mortified at how nervous and excited my mother got when I told her and it made me wish I didn't have to tell her. I knew a woman who bought her daugher flowers when she started and then confided to me she was hurt when she saw her daughter had thrown the flowers and card away. I assume the child was embarassed at her mother's over reaction. Every event in a kids life doesn't have to be THE NEXT BIG THING.

My husband's ex has gotten in court over the last two years and uses the starting her period thing for SD as an excuse for every little and big problem that has come up. SD has cramps so she can't go to school very much and when she does make it to school 90% of the time she is late. SD has been on an emotional roller coaster since starting her period and it has been difficult for mom to deal with AND SD doesn't really want to see dad anymore now. Yet there are no medical problems despite repeated tests, etc. Of course, SD has no rules living with mom and gets whatever she asks for so of course she agrees with Mommy Dearest. On and On and On. EXCUSES!

I am sorry. I had SEVERE cramps, heavy bleeding, endometriosis severely that required a hysterectomy and I NEVER used it as an excuse for my failure to do the right thing as a person. BM has used it as an excuse for her failure to parent and part of the justification why custody shouldn't be changed due to her failure to parent. Guess what? It worked!

I am sick of crocodile tears and excuses for events that all women go through being used as excuses for being a piece of crap person and parent. As a woman who enjoys the rights we have had to bust our butts to have, I get HIGHLY offended when this type of behavior is tolerated.

While I do think it would be beneficial for this dad to be sensitive to the events upcoming in his growing daughters life, I agree with Helping hands that discussing with mom in advance and putting a plan of action together is sufficient. No court case is necessary and in my opinion is just a ploy to keep the child away from the father. Clearly an abuse of the system and clearly should NEVER be tolerated by the courts.

I hope I didn't piss anyone off. Just had to sound off.

JMHO.

[wysiwyg]

ok here is my 2 cents.  I agree that no one can predict when their daughter will start menstrating, my daughetrs - one was 16 the other was 12.  Kids get some decent health ed in school and mom can follow up with the daughter to see if she has any questions and concerns.  I think making the child aware and letting the child take the lead on waht and how she feels when the proper time arrives, including having step mom around to help if that relationship is good and comfortable for the child.  I Think letting mom know when that time arrives is a good idea, but for what it is worth, I believe the more someone makes of the issue the more the child will react to waht you want to see, ie when our kids are little we are told that if they fall and get hurt, if you cry or over react so will they - I think it is the same issue, the more you react the more the child will react and I think it is ashame to make a huge ordeal of a perfecly normal body function.  I mean - on the opposite side of the coin should dad file for more time with his son when his voice changes?

Just my  $0.02

[mistoffolees]

First, what's your point in putting my name in the header unless you're itiching for a fight.

Second, all I said is that if menstruation is traumatic for the girl, that it might be reasonable to have her spend a bit more time with her mother during the first months or years. It seems to me that the child's needs should take precedence in this issue and if she's more comfortable talking with the mother about it, the parents should support it.

Your need to complain about your severe cramps and your hatred of 'crocodile tears' does nothing to address the girl's needs.

[notnew]

Why are you so touchy? I simply put yours and Helping hands names in the subject to make it easy to find. I know Socrateaser does not like his board being filled up with posts not relating to the issues he has been asked to address. I've been on this site for over 6 years and try to follow the rules.

Sometimes people just have to agree to disagree. I don't believe there are any of the girls needs to address. The filing is for a "future" event and nobody knows when it will happen.

I don't believe I can see this any other way then as a manipulation by the mother to limit the child's time with her father.

I NEVER said the child's needs shouldn't be addressed. I said that court action is not necessary to do so and I absolutely see no reason for time with the father to be limited via court order to address any issues that may arise when she starts her period.

I do hate whiny women who bitch and complain about issues they should just handle like the rest of us grown up girls. Time to get out your big girl panties and deal with it. I don't ask for special treatment because I'm a woman and I get pissed when others do. It is not right and should not be tolerated. I take care of my responsibilities and if I am having bad cramps and need to take a sick day, so be it. If I don't show up to work because of what ever other issues are going on (drinking, up too late, etc.), I DON"T use my period as an excuse. I believe this mother handling this in this manner is teaching the child the wrong lesson.  I also think that women who become emotional wrecks and sniping witches with pre-menstrual syndrome need to get a grip.


Just my opinion as I stated earlier. You have every right to disagree. You do not have a right to pick a fight and I never intended to do so. So, I think it's best to just let it go and we don't need to pick at each other over it. I apologize to you for anything I may have said that may have offended you in any way and I would certainly hope that you can put it behind us.

[HelpingHands]

I didn't realize that the father had custody at first, but now it makes even more sense why this is a newly raised issue. I agree that I believe it's a ploy to take more time away from the father.

This child has other family members that can teach, assist and comfort her when and if she needs it. And I also agree that the more of a big deal you make out of it, the more of a big deal it will become. It's a fact of life. It's something that happens in a young lady's life. Explain, comfort and teach how to deal with appropriately.

I stand by my post- I see no reason mom and dad can't communicate and be parents to this girl with regards to her menstrual cycle.

[mistoffolees]

That's essentially what I suggested -the parents should be able to resolve it. But if the girl really feels more comfortable dealing with it with the mother rather than the father, it seems to me that the right thing to do is for the father to be a little bit flexible to support the girl's needs - at least for the first year or two.

[Ref]

My goodness, what will come next?

Misto, you get your dukes up so quickly. Try not to rush to fight so much. You have good advice to give, but sometime it seems you are being real hot-headed.

I personally think it is such a male thing to think that having a period is sooooooo traumatic. Please. EVERY woman gets it. we have all pulled through, many of us with little guidence. I can see no reason for any extra flexibility because of this. It is simply a stupid ploy. BM will probably wring her hands and yell "is ANYONE thinking about the CHILDREN????"  She will be the one on the cross but oh well, she will have to come up with something else. That will never fly in court. I will put money on that one.

I was fine with getting it. I jusy didn't want a big deal made out of it. SD was ok with talking to DH and me about it. I agree that if you make a big deal out of it, it becomes a big deal. If you treat it like just another day, that is what it is.

I am looking forward to seeing someone top this one.

Best of luck
Ref

[gamma]

I have been reading these boards for about 3 years, I never post, but today I felt the need to register and post to this.

Oh my this has got to be the most lame excuse I have seen so far. As Ref said, I can't wait to see what tops this one.

I am female, have 2 daughters, big whoop, every female goes through this and many, many have difficulties. But big whoop again, it is life, you have responsibilities and you deal with them. I wish I could skip my responsibilities because it is my time of the month, you continue those responsibilities and when you finish them, you then curl up in bed and act as if your dying. I do have all the bad mood stuff surrounding them, but I deal with it and keep it to myself, I don't expect someone to have to tip toe around me.

Yes it might be a bit uncomfortable for her to deal with dad on this and might even be a bit uncomfortable for dad, they both need to learn to deal with it, it is part of being a female, and every man knows that. I am sure dad would give it his all to try and do what he could with it, or find some other female on his time to help her out.

My one daughter is in a split situation, she has a boy, but if she had a girl and used this excuse to take time from dad, I would feel compelled to tell her off.

[mistoffolees]

Have it your way.

As for 'getting your dukes up', posting someone's name in the header of a list like this is generally considered extremely bad form and is usually perceived as a direct challenge. I simply responded that I didn't think it was appropriate.

As for the rest, my view is simple. I put the kid's needs ahead of the parent's wish for control. If you think your need to control every minute of the child's life and that it's more important to you to 'win' on this issue than it is to respect the child's concerns and comfort, I feel very sorry for you.

I happen to believe that if the parents are reasonably mature, they should be more interested in the CHILD's needs, not their own.

[notnew]

In most cases where court filings are issued for something like this before it is even happened, I have to assume that we aren't seeing the actions of a reasonably mature adult.

As a matter of fact, in my experience, if you make it to this site searching for help, you aren't dealing with a reasonably mature adult.

I think that this is the issue here more then anything else.

As I said before, time to agree to disagree. We all have different opinions. Doesn't make anybody better than anybody else.

Have a great day!