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A better understanding

Started by pixie84, Jul 05, 2008, 09:28:34 AM

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to launch an attack.  

However, you're right in that if she doesn't engage, the opportunity won't be there.  
The wonderful thing about tiggers is I'm the only one!


Welcome to the joys of being a stepmom.  However, it isn't always bad (with the exception of dealing with the ex)

Moving closer won't help, hell we moved 600 miles away and have a better relationship with the kdis now as we don't feel like we have people lurking over our shoulders watching our every move.

Your husband really needs to get a court order with set visitaiton. I would read up on the laws in the state the order is in, sometimes mediation does not work and you would want to file a parenting plan and explain that you have tried mediation etc.

When my hubby ex always told me the kids and the divorce are none of my business, ya right what effects my hubby effects me. She hates that her youngest and I are close, my mom did that to me and my stepmom and I no longer really have a relationship with my mother but a great one with my stepmom.

It is hard road. Please make sure to NOT let her get between you and your husband they try and try.

Please come and ask advise many of us are stepmoms and know your pain.  

Best wishes

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

Kitty C.

My SS's mom used to be a PBFH.......now she's just mildly brain dead, LOL!

But when DH and I got together, she hated me like no other!  During our 1st Christmas (when we were to have SS on Xmas day and 2 days after, per CO), she had no idea whether we were going to my family or DH's.  Prior to this, she sent SS in out-sized and out-of-season clothes EVERY time.  SS (at the tender age of 4) said that 'Mommy got all my clothes at a second-hand store for the bag to take to Daddy's'.  Quilted sweats in the summer, thin t-shirts in the winter.........and SECOND-HAND UNDERWEAR!!!  Get the picture?  But on that first Christmas when DH picked SS up, SS was literally dressed to the nines!  Even his socks matched his outfit!   Because if we were going to see MY family, she didn't want anyone to think bad of her...........she didn't give a rat's patootie about DH and his family, of course.  And we went to his!

That set the course and theme for the next 5-6 years.  I learned NEVER to engage her directly.  I would barely answer the phone if she called and ONLY if DH was there.  So to make the suffering less for SS, we bought clothes for him (and had some 'nice' hand-me-downs from my DS) and kept EVERY toy we bought him at our house.  When she realized that we would not play her game with her, she backed off.  She still would make noise occasionally, but the one VERY important fact DH and I have found is that living well and being happy are the BEST revenge!

When she remarried and got pregnant almost immediately, she asked DH why we weren't having a baby (we got married 14 days before she did).  DH told her: #1-'It's none of your business.' and #2-We choose not to have that responsibility to tie us down.  Almost 10 years later, she has another divorce and another kid going thru grade school, and we're off doing whatever tickles our fancy!  We live only about 2 blocks away and, given what SS (now 14) tells us, the fires of jealousy are burning quite bright there these days...I swear I've seen smoke, LOL!  So the #2 comment, while considered none of her business, was just a 'rub'!

She must have 'seen the light' in some ways during her 2nd divorce, and all of a sudden I'm not the wicked stepmother anymore!  But I ain't her friend, either.........and never will be.  Now she's dependant on me, with SS going thru the orthodontic program where I work (and getting a 50% discount because of ME) to save her (and us) money.  My, how the tables have turned!

Bottom line for you personally, avoid her as much as humanly possible.  Try to help your DH understand that he should ONLY give her as much information as she NEEDS to know.  Anything more than that and you give away your power to her, which she's feeds on.  Shelter your SD from as much of the turmoil as you possibly can.  Buy clothes and toys to keep at your home, even if that means she has the same thing at her mom's.   The PB may or may not eventually 'come around', but do not plan on it.  Expect her to be nasty and you won't be surprised.

But above all else..........DON'T give away your power to her!  Once you and your DH understand that and are able to utilize it in dealing with her, it will be a whole lot easier to live with, epecially emotionally.  That's part of being the 'better person'.  Remember, just because she made certain statements in filings of things she 'want's, that doesn't mean she's going to get them.  So if the judge doesn't see your DH as a threat, her request for her and her hubby to travel just because she's 'afraid' of him won't hold water and neither will the supervised visitation.  Nothing is a done deal until the final order is signed..........and if it ain't in the final order, she canNOT demand it!
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......


I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone that has responded with their great advice and support.  

I still hate her and I probably always will.  It's great to see that I'm not the only one who's in this situation.  It's easy to feel alone in this scary world of step-parenting.  

I didn't mention but maybe it was obvious.  I am "just a baby" by most standards.  I am in my early/mid 20s my husband is 2 years older than me.  We haven't been married long (two years this August).  He was 20 when his daughter was born  BM was 21 or 22.  I thought this info might help put things in perspective.

I know I shouldn't have talked to her.  I feel like it would be better for the daughter if we had some kind of civil relationship.  I am wrong for this line of thinking?  

Also my husband is court ordered to provide insurance for his daughter.  He does not receive benefits through his job.  I have offered to include her on my plan.  Should I do this or should I just forget about it cause it's not my kid, not my problem.  She does have insurance through her step-father so it's not like she's uncovered.  I feel like putting her on is the right thing to do but I don't know, I'm also pretty sure PB will find someway to use it against me or not allow it even though I have great insurance that makes everything for children virtually free, no copays, well child visit covered in full, no deductions or out of pocket maximum.  I also have a flex spending account that I can use to help pay for her glasses and other things that might arise.  The way it works is I get a debt card to use with the amount I choose on it all at once, I can then use it like any other debt card to pay copays or for glasses or whatever until it's all used up, my work withholds  money from my check every pay period to pay for it.  I can get multiple cards so I could send one to BM to use when she needs.  I would like to so that she can use it to pay for glasses and such I just don't want her to use in on her new baby and I think she might.  I feel in my gut like it's a bad thing to do.....


unrealistic.  Yes, it would be great if y'all had that type of relationship but she likely feels threatened by you or at least jealous of you and therefore, it probably won't happen anytime soon.  

Listen to your gut.  It's a bad thing to do because ultimately, you are responsible for that account.  Abusing that account will fall on your head regardless of who actually did it.  Only you and your eligible dependents qualify to use that account.  If BM uses it on her baby, that's fraud but you're responsible because it's your account and your card.  Also, even if she uses it completely legitimately, will she give you the receipts?  We have the same type of account where I work and even though I use the debit card, I have to keep up with the receipts in case they ever demand proof of the expense.

ETA:  I would add her to the insurance because it shows your husband is complying with the CO.  

Also, although you tried to be vague in your post, I could calculate your age, your husband's age and the ex's age based on the information you provided.  The only player's age I don't know is the stepdad's.
The wonderful thing about tiggers is I'm the only one!


stepdad is two years older than BM I think it's 2 years anyway.