Can any dad relate??????

[TXdadof2]

My STBS (also referred to as XXXX) called me today, and asked me if I had told the children that they were free to come to my apartment any time they wish.  I explained that I had told the children they were "welcome" at the apartment anytime and they should tell Mommy if they want to see or talk to Daddy.  XXXX claimed that I was setting her up to be the "bitch", and then I explained that I had also said that they were welcome to call or see Mommy anytime that they were at the apartment.  XXXX disagreed with me, saying that this confused the children.  I disputed her claim and told her that child #1 was already showing signs of internalizing her feelings and seeming fearful to express her wants and needs.  I told XXXX that I felt like she and I  MUST  work together to make child #1 feel safe and secure about expressing that she wants to see or talk to either parent.  It's scaring me, and the nanny has confirmed that child #1 seems scared to openly talk about what's going on.  I told XXXX that I am incredibly frightened about child #1's emotional well being, and I do not agree that she should be made to feel like the Court has ordered her to personally go without seeing or talking to either parent, and trying to pretend that neither of us have a choice about that.  The fact of the matter is that we do have a choice and XXXX is exercising her choice, even when the children are asking for something different.  XXXX wants to feel disproportionately needed by the children and it seems to upset her when the children show signs of needing or wanting me.  XXXX admitted that child #2 asked to go to Daddy's today, rather than be cared for by XXXX's sister while XXXX was working.  XXXX was accusing me of creating a confusing situation.  She feels like the children should quickly come to the realization and acceptance that Thursdays are the days when they see Daddy, and there is not a choice on other days.  Considering that XXXX and I live in close proximity and XXXX knows that I would make myself available at most anytime to see the children, I do not understand why she is operating differently.  She feels like the more contact the children have with their own father, the more confused and traumatized they are.  She claims that I am not looking out for their interests because I want to see them, which only makes them cry when they must leave me.  I believe this is how XXXX is justifying parental alientation.  She holds me responsible for upsetting the children, and then she consciously punishes me (and inadvertently punishes them) by alienating them from me (if the children show signs of being upset or cry when they must leave me).  She has convinced herself that I "pump them up" and get them "worked up" to make them cry when they leave me (which is absolutely NOT true).  Each time they are with me, they cry when they go home, and XXXX has convinced herself that they should stay away from me or not talk to me anymore than necessary, so that they don't cry when they must leave me.   As their mother, she feels qualified to make the call that the less the children see me or speak to me, the less confused and traumatized they are when it's time to hang up or leave me.  Therefore, she is playing "gate keeper" with the kids.  Ironically, the children never cry when it's time to leave "her" residence and they seldom want to call "her" residence when I ask them if they want to talk to Mommy.  This is so incredibly biased.  I feel so alienated and XXXX has justified this in her mind.  I believe she is trying more to spare herself of the guilt of seeing the children upset by leaving me and wanting to be with me than she is trying to look out for their best interests.  This is only a temporary order for now, but it's a dangerous precedent.  Can anyone share experiences?

[gr8Dad]

We get the long goodbye, reminiscent of a WW2 movie, at the train station, the fog rolling in, night falling, the conductor calls out, "all aboard!", and two lovers are tragically ripped apart by the ravages of war, unsure if either will see the other again, one party step aboard the train, glancing back, as the party on the platform wipes a single tear from their eye......

Yeah, RIGHT.  It is a drama move.  I treat visitation exchanges as a happy event (even though, as many on here may tell you, my situation is FAR from happy).  

My suggestion is to follow up this conversation that you had with her with a letter, sent certified, return reciept requested.  Something like this:

Dear PBFH(you might want to use her name),

As follow up to our conversation regarding the children visiting or contacting one parent during the other parents time, i would like to reiterate that it is not my intention to reduce yours, or my time with the children, merely to demonstarte to them that we are working together for their best interest.  Again, if the children wish to see me, or speak to me while they are with you, they are more than welcome to contact me or stop by.  Also, when they are with me, they are more than welcome to speak to you, or stop by your home, with yoru permission of course, at any time they feel the need.

Signed,
Mighty Dad

This give you a back up in case she takes this to court and says that you are telling the kids to come to your house during "her" time.  Also, if she gives you anymore grief, you can tell her, and the children (although I would couch it in different terms for the children), that YOU make the rules and policies at your home, and she makes the rules and policies at her home.

[kitten]

The certified letter is a good idea.  I wish you luck TXdad.  This is how my bf's ex started out.  She now is attempting to move the children out of state and out of their father's life.  She has alienated them to the point that the little ones (ages 3&5 )no longer want to speak with him.  She of course alienates them further by not encouraging them to speak with Daddy.  She is also attempting and from what we can tell, succeeding at convincing the children that her fiance is their new daddy because their old daddy left them and only loves me and my children.  These women are the most dangerous to your children because they truly believe that what they are doing is right.  These women will never wake up one day and realize how they have hurt their children, they will justify it to the grave.  Our experience has shown us that the courts support these very convincing women.  I hope you have a talented lawyer, if not, get one ASAP.  Document EVERYTHING.  Hearsay only works for the alienating mothers.  You MUST have documentation to support your side of the story.  My bf will most likely lose his children soon.  Three more children will grow up without a loving, attentive, protective father.  One more Father will cry himself to sleep at night.