Getting baby used to dad - Need help!

[RainGirl]

When she is with me...and able to pick up on my emotions and take cues from me, she is fine with him.  When I am not around, she screams and wants nothing to do with him.  What negative emotion is she picking up from me?  The times she has seriously freaked out on him was when I wasn't even there when he showed up.  She was happy playing at her school.  I had nothing to do with that.

One of the four times a week that he is scheduled to visit with her is at my house when I am not here so she can visit with him in a safe and secure environment without my interference.  So far he has not shown up to that one either.  Not even once.

I think it may have had something to do with the sound of the car.  He's got a high performance sports car with twin turbos and....  I told him she seems to prefer my car to my truck and thought it had something to do with the rumble of the truck.  Told him not to be discouraged by it and maybe if he borrowed his mom's car she might be easier or he coud keep trying his.

No matter what you may or may not think of me, I have every interest in the world in adjusting her to him.  No, I'm still not 100% certain  is a good idea, but it is what we are now doing.  HOWEVER, even if I hated him, even if I didn't want her to like him, even if I didn't want him to bond with her, even if....  The fact of the matter is my baby is scared.  My baby is having trouble adjusting and is being placed in a situation where she is distressed.  The sooner she gets used to him, the sooner she can stop being stressed and scared.  I was called to her school to pick her up because she was so upset and scared due to his visit.  What kind of a mother can look at that and NOT want to help her child?  Part of me sees that and wants to take her and run, but so long as this is what we are committed to, I need to help HER through it.  So no matter what I may or may not think of him, for her sake, I am trying to make this easy on HER.

So once again, if anyone has ideas about what can make this process easier for her, I'd love to hear them.  For those with negativity, please consider posting it elsewhere.  I'm not looking for that.

[Kitty C.]

Even as an infant, you CANNOT control how she responds to anyone or anything.  You cannot MAKE her 'adjust'.  That is something only SHE can learn on her own.  You wonder why she responds the way she does when you're not there?  Because you've always 'rescued' her when you are there.  She's fussing becaue you're not 'rescuing' her.

The one thing I've learned, from my own son and all the many children I've babysat, is that each and every one of them is different and they all have their own ways of doing things.  I could 'assist', by going with their cues, in helping them thru the adjustment process, but the bulk of it they had to work thru themselves.

What are you going to do when she goes thru separation anxiety?  Because what she's experiencing right now doesn't even come close.  DS went thru a MAJOR episode when he was 4, caused by his father taking him away from me for 6 weeks.  After I got him back, I had my heart ripped out on a daily basis leaving for work, when he would stand at the door and SCREAM 'Mommy, don't go, don't go!'  What was I to do, not go to work and hold him all day?  That would only postpone the inevitable and make the pain last that much longer for him.  Unfortunately, as heartbreaking as it was for me to watch and endure, he had to suffer thru it himself.  And he did, there was just no other way to get thru it.

Question:  has she had any contact with any other men?  Men who maybe aren't as comfortable with infants as her daddy?  How does she react with them?  The Same?  We had a family friend who adamantly refused to hold DS when he was an infant, saying he knew nothing about them.  One time, I literally thrust DS in his arms, just to see how the both of them would react.  I've still got pics, too!  Our friend looks stiff and uncomfortable, only because it was strange to him.  And DS even at a month old, could tell the difference and was fussy.  But they BOTH did just fine.  It's called 'adapting' and NO ONE can teach that or guide it.  It is something only the person experiencing it can deal with and work thru.  And one of the first lessons we learn as human beings.

JMO, but you're setting your daughter up to fail to have the ability to adjust to her environment without you for her to fall back on.  You said that you 'eased' her into her daycare.   You think her pre-school or kindergarden teachers will be so accomodating?  I highly doubt it.  Whether it's with her father or anyone else, you need to loosen the reins, for your daughter's sake, or she will be severely dependent on you......or anyone else who 'shows' her love and comfort.  Think about how this would affect her in her teenage years.  She would be a sitting duck for some smooth-talking idiot, male or female............

All your child psychology books don't come close to real life and bringing up children to be self-reliant.  JMO, but I think that is one aspect that, in the last 20 years or so, many parents have failed in, along with not learning to say 'no' often enough.  These are lessons they MUST learn at home, because if they are forced to learn it in the real world, they will be chewed up and spit out.  You are not raising a child, you are raising an adult.  Never forget that.

[joni]

and I certainly would NEVER do this to the child's father.  it's ludacrist and disrespectful....it's a passive form of entitlement and alienation.

[Stepmomnow]

I could not have said it better myself.  Kids are more resilent than we give them credit for, and you are absolutely correct that they have to learn to self sooth, or their lives will be miserable.

[Stepmom0418]

I agree totally!!

[MYSONSDAD]

Have the father of your baby come to Sparc and share what his thoughts are. I am sure all here, will be more then willing to answer any of his concerns...

"Children Learn What they Live"

[RainGirl]

Thank you for your understanding.  Yet out of all fairness to him, I must admit that things between us were really bd and we didn't even talk for the last few months of my pregnancy.  When she was born, I called and told him.  He came to see her and shortly after that I told him that I still didn't like being around him and would honor his requests for visits, but would appreciate it if he kept them to a minimum.  He called about every 3 weeks and I would take her to see him when he called.  When she was 4 months old I got angry at him for telling lies and starting in with the controlling head games.  I told him I couldn't take it, told him not to call me and didn't talk to him for almost 4 months.  So it is greatly my fault that she is not used to him.

Things have progressed some since the initial post but it is still very much a wait and see kind of thing.  If nothing else, he seems to have settled into an understanding of her needs.  Maybe not a full understanding, but at least something and for that I am grateful.

[MYSONSDAD]

It has been two weeks since you first posted.

I think you are looking for excuses.

This man is the childs father, let him be a father. Let him take the child 6 hours one day and then 6 hours the next. Progress up to more time and then overnights.

The only way he will bond is to actually have the child and address her needs one on  one.

There are a lot of fathers who have been the caregivers since birth. It should not make a difference if it is mommy or daddy giving her care.

You apparently have some type of mental block on letting this go.

[RainGirl]

No, I do not wish to control every little thing about his visits.  I just want her comfortable with the people she is with and not afraid.  I see no good coming from that.  Three of the four visit times he requested each week are without me.   Yet those are consistantly the three that he misses!!!  Originally we agreed that her school would be a good place for her to get used to him in a place that was comfortable for her but without me.  Since making that agreement, he has had six visitation times.  Remember, these are time slots that HE chose, but he as showed up for ONE of the six.  That was the time he brought his gf to show her.  (No, I don't have issues with the gf being there, but I think getting to show her off was the only reason he went.)

No, I don't believe that she is "feeding" off of my feelings or emotions or cues.  She freaks out on him when I am not there.  When I am there, she is at ease with him.  Now and then she wimpers and lets me know she's had enough.  I don't push those limits.  I take her back, she "recharges" a bit and then is ready to go back and play wth him again.  When I am not there she is very uncertain about him.

He does show up for visits now when I am going to be there.  I have also made a regulr habit of trying to give him additional chances to come over and hang out with her.  I invite him to dinner a couple of nights a week.  He hates his commute to work/school in the morning (not an AM person) and much rather likes leaving from my house which is closer.  Usually a couple of nights a week I let him come over and sleep with her.  I'm usually up all night doing homework and only sleep an average of 3 hours a nght so it isn't a big deal.  Slowly she is getting better and better at going with him, but it hasn't come in the form of the visits he requested.

The other night I asked him if he would want to take her on his own.  It was a personal and sentimental day for him an I knew it might be made easier for him if she was there.  He ended up inviting us to go along with him but we went in separate cars.  He took her and when we arrived, I hung back a bit to give him some time alone.  A few minutes later he was happy to hand her over as she screamed at him the entire time.  I have ofered to let him take her at night several times, figuring she would be tired and sleepy most of the time but he could spend time with her before bed and if she woke up.  He has always declined claiming he has too much homework and can't afford the distraction.

For those of you that feel I am being too controlling, I'm sorry.  I'm trying to do what I feel is best for my daughter by helping her feel comfortable and not greatly pushing the limits she sets.  Some of you have put forth ideas about the inner workings of an infant that differ greatly from mine.  I'll respect your right to hold an opinion but at the same time, I am not able to agree with it.  I've read too many reasearch studies, talked with too many child psychologists, read too many text books and been studying this very subject for too long to agree with you.  That being said, I do not intend to shove her out the door with him for any length of time until I feel she is ready for it.  What I am looking for are ideas of how to help their bonding process grow and develop in a positive manner.  There have been some wonderful ideas so far and I look forward to incorprating them into what we are already trying.  Those of you with other ideas or sugguestions that may be of help are encouraged and I look forward to learning some of the things that may have helped others on this board.  Thank you.

[MYSONSDAD]

Whether you believe it or not, that is exactly what's going on. A child can sense emotion at a very early age. She is getting her cues from you.

Try leaving her in your home, have him come by. YOU take a walk and give them sometime together.

I am sure her being placed in a strange car did not help the matter...

From posts you wrote earlier this year, makes me wonder how much real effort you put in. And of course, we only have your word.


"Children learn what they live"