I can't believe I'm admitting this but...

[Erika]

And I can see a few things.

1) You are willing to give up on your daughter, but not your business. So your work is more important, you struggled with this company since you were 15. But somehow you can't manage a four year old on your own. Yeah..

2) You cheated on your ex, yet you were bitte rand wanted to ruin her life. Hmm..

3) Your daughter cries and you can't figure out why. Maybe because she knows she isn't wanted and no one wants her in your house. She's lonely and sad. Geez, what can't you figure out.

4) You totally put down your wife in your first post and then when people agree with her behaviour, you make a 360 turn and sudden;y she's the best thing since sliced bread.

That poor kid is being neglected.

Save your breath and don't bother to slam me because that poor kid is the only thing that counts so yeah give her to her mom asap and live your own life and obviously she won't be a part of it.

I give you about a year with EOW and holidays and slowly you will stop the visits and become an absent dad.

[Tiresias]

Whats wrong with telling your EX just what you said right here?
 I think its sincere and I think she would respond to something like this possitively.


Ladybug3

[bigsigh2004]

Oh I don't blame her for not speaking to me at all. I'd probably be worse if the situation was reversed. She was chewed up and spat out in court.

I have an attorney, he's the one who did the chewing...and my wife and I both feel that by going that route, all she is going to think is that this lawyer has something else up his sleeve. If anything, it's better coming from me first in some form. Not to mention if I do go to my attorney, he will do his best to try to talk me out of it. Then charge me $2500 for the lip service.

My ex now has a pretty nice apartment of her own. I don't want to end up supporting them totally and, I'll be honest, I feel if I extend out that far, I'll get taken advantage of. If with substantial child support she doesn't feel she can adequately afford to care for our daughter, then I'll have to rethink the entire thing, but she isn't frivolous with the dollar, so I'd assume she has a way of working things out. That is all parce and parcel with the discussion we have to have.

Our daughter, when she isn't moody is very social, loves other kids and I personally feel if she had to go to child care it wouldn't be an issue, regardless of the other things going on.

When I wrote that initial post, I was in a very frustrated mood, my daughter isn't THAT bad off, but I do know her well enough to know who she would be happier with. I had hoped for different, and I gave her time to adjust...it just isn't happening the way it should so there is no need to frustrate things further.

[bigsigh2004]

so just quit wasting your time typing on this string. You really are just wasting bandwidth & my interest in anything you have to say is pretty much nil.

[bigsigh2004]

stop. just stop. I have no interest in your comments.

There is  A LOT that is involved with switching custody. The mental health of my child is a HUGE consideration. Many of the posters here have suggested I speak to a child psych and I believe they are right.

There are fiancial considerations. Travel arrangements.  If my ex is actually able to take her right away or if she needs time to set things up.

My visitation schedule needs to be discussed. I'm not going to do this if she turns around and refuses to let me see my DD out of spite. Thre has to be something written down and filed. That takes time.

I have no idea what her job hours are, she may ahve to change things around...she may even want to change homes...how the hell do I know?

do you honestly think I'm just going to pack my daughter off to her with no plan in place? I may have made my mistakes, but although she is a good mom, she has made her share too...I have a right to protect myself as well as my daughter.

I want assurances that she isn't going to take out her anger on our daughter, I agree with many of the posters here that we should get into counseling...the three of us, my ex me and my daughter...

so it is, to a point "rocket science".

Would you, raisin, hand your child over to your ex without something signed & sealed assuring you of your rights?

[bigsigh2004]

she sortof kindof has to give me the time of day first =)

[piXi]

as a form of revenge?

If your fear is if you give back custody she will  hinder your relationship with your daughter then it might be a good idea to work out a parenting plan that  gives you  the time you want plus unlimited ad hoc visitation.

[Jules]

I am a noncustodial mom and a stepmom, and I admire your ability to analyze yourself and face decisions that will be uncomfortable for you but best for your child.  I have two somewhat long comments to make:

1) As a noncustodial mom, I had to face my own issues with my son and society's assumptions about me.  He is 16 and has lived with his dad since he was 11 and out of control.  I had to face the fact that I did not know what to do with him.  I was single, working full time, and did not have the skills to deal with an angry, violent boy as big as me.  

Five years later, he is a wonderful young man, but I give a lot of credit to my ex.  We also have a 23 yo son, who lives with me, but it's easy to parent a grown man!  He'll soon be graduated from college and gone (I can hardly wait).    

2) My DH and I do not parent each other's kids.  We always felt criticized by the other if there was any disagreement, and the other bio parents resented any suggestion that parental authority came with a marriage license.  Being a stepparent is an almost impossible relationship.  Your wife was smart enough to recognize this and "detach".

Not everyone is cut out for the demands of parenthood, but that doesn't make you a bad person or even a bad father.  You will provide for your daughter in the best way you know how, and you will develop a thick skin for those who presume to judge you without walking in your shoes.  I suspect that, with your newfound communciation skills, you will find the right way to communciate with your ex and begin a journey of co-parenting that keeps your daughter's best interests in the forefront.

Give each step you take some serious thought - no more acting on impulse!  Then talk it over with a trusted party.  Then make your decision.

And one last thought - you don't need a shrink!  I've been through counseling many times, and unless you live on a deserted island with no friends or family to lean on, it's a waste of money!  The bookstore or library will be just as helpful!

[Peanutsdad]

Kitty, thats why I told him to dump the new wife and try being a parent,, its obvious he never has been. He knows what he NEEDS to do, but he wants the easy way out.


Now to you the original poster:


You've "won" the custody fight,, well guess what chump,, be careful what you ask for, cuz you just might get it,,, and you did.

So now, you wanna take the easy way out,, pathetic.  Stand the hell up and be a man.

[Peanutsdad]

Cant never could bigsigh. And losers cant.



Angry? yeah at times,, more like disgusted,,, You whine that your job is too exhausting, you cant parent, yadda yadda yadda.

Guess what numbnutz,, parents do it everyday. Some of us work 12 hour nights in busy hospitals and still manage to be single parents.


Not you,, oh lord God forbid you be inconvienced by being a full time parent. You made your case, you won your case,, but now it's entirely too much bother?


Since the only advice you seem to want is how to avoid BEING a parent, it's quite simple,, take her to her mother and hand her over.


I DID do you a favor,, I gave you the best advice you could get, you just dont want advice tho, you want validation.