I can't believe I'm admitting this but...

[catrmm]

Little late coming in here but here goes.

You've got yourself in a bit of a mess and, sadly, your little girl is paying the price.  So what's the best way out of the mess?

There are basically 3 routes to choose from:
1.  find a way to make the best situation you can for your daughter with the status quo.
2.  file with the court and abide by the court dictating what will happen to your ex, you, and your daughter.
3.  find the way back to communicating with your ex so that your daughter's 2 parents can discuss freely and come up with the most appropriate solution; a solution that won't come about with either of the other options.

Of course the third option is the best but is it possible?

First, you admit that you treated your ex like cr**.  This will prevent your ex being able to coparent with you successfully and is one of the reasons you worry about revenge etc.  Therefore, an essential is accepting responsibility for the way you treated her and, somehow, making her realize this so that she can start the process of rebuilding trust in you.

Second, you state that your ex treated you like cr**.  This is preventing you from being able to coparent with her just as she's unable to do so with you.  However, the coparenting is now essential and something you need if the needs of your daughter are paramount.  Therefore, somehow you need to get past all the things that she did to you and will most likely continue to do to you while keeping the needs of your daughter in mind.  This one is a major toughie.

Third, and this one is actually the biggest of the lot, you CONTINUE to treat your ex like cr**.  I could quote many, many parts of your posts here that illustrate this very clearly.  If you want to find the best situation for your daughter, this HAS to stop even if your ex continues to treat you badly.  It's your only chance to cooperate with her to find the optimal situation for your daughter.

Now, if those three conditions can't be met, then your only option is one of the other 2; status quo or court.  No matter what you decide it's not going to be easy.  Good luck to you and your little girl.

[kitten]

YES!  Well said!!!!!!

[mirandalin5]

I agree with the last statement that you should get rid of the new wife.  When my father remarried (eons ago), my stepmother came first and made it her job to make me feel like i didn't belong in thier family.  I have forgiven my father for making me feel so unimportant and still sometimes act a little jaded about it.  

bottom line...your child comes first.

I also think it might be a good idea to give her some more time with her bio mother if the bio mother is interested.  If that's not an option...set aside the time when you come home from work to spend just with your daughter.  don't try to accomplish anything else.  there is nothing that can't be put on hold in life except showing the one's you care for all the love you have.  your daughter will remember and cherish those Daddy/daughter times.

I will say that i think it's great that you recognize and admit to your past indiscretions.  it shows a lot about your character that you changed and are continuing to.

[StPaulieGirl]

I wouldn't think that you'd want to do this pro se.  Another attorney could be your best bet.  I don't care what area a lawyer specializes in, they're all hyenas to some degree.  Do what you can to find one that will do what you are intending to do.

You're doing the right thing for your situation, and someday your daughter will thank you.  Today she is four years old.  Blink your eyes and she'll be getting married.  You want to be able to share in that moment, and walk her down the aisle.  

I wasn't talking so much about your daughter's personality, but more about upheaval in her schedule.  I'm sure she would get along well with other children.  She, in my opinion, needs a little down time to get acustomed to her new enviroment before daycare, etc.  

Most of us here are pretty frustrated, however you seem to be handling this situation pretty well.

[sweetnsad]

I'm sorry, but I couldn't have said it better Pnut.

You're a father Bigsigh....you have a precious little girl that you were FORTUNATE enough to get custody off.....do you have any idea how many men, here and everywhere, would love to be in your shoes right now??  And you are looking for ways to "give it up"????  

Forgive me if there aren't too many here that are going to support your whim.  It sounds outright selfish to me.

[bigsigh2004]

Exactly when did I say I was walking away from my daughter completely? What exactly am I "giving up"?

When I got custody, my ex was in a severe state of depression, she was in and out of the hospital, she was abusing her medications-I was advised to get custody of my daughter as she was being neglected and that is what I did. At that time I had weekends, and a mid week visit-pretty much standard.

Prior to my ex's depression, she was an excellent mother. My daughter thrived well in her care.

Depression, if treated correctly, is cureable. My ex is cured. She is stable, and she loves her child. My daughter is thrilled every time mom comes to get her and sad to see her have to go.

I find, trying to hold everything together myself is overwhelming. Not everyone on the god damned planet can be a full time parent. I happen to be one of them. Why the hell should I not send my daughter back to a situation she thrives in, that I KNOW she does well in, instead of trying to struggle to make this work?

Exactly WHAT is so horrible about what I'm trying to accomplish, which is make EVERYONE happy, especially my child? Why the hell should I subject my daughter to the possibility of food not being able to be in her mouth, clothes on her back and a phenominal education - basically give up what I have worked so hard for that will only provide the best for her, and her mother, in the absolute long run? Just so I can claim king of the mountain -  I have custody?? My daugher isn't a posession. She is a person who's feelings I have to care about.

You people treat me like I'm deamon spawn. Like I'm going to walk away from my responsibility to my daughter completley. Where the "F" you got that idea I'll never know because I sure as hell didn't say it.

Whooopdedooo that the men on this board are fighting for what I got...good luck to them if they get it, but I'll tell you something, a good percentage of them are going to find themselves just as overwhelmed as I am, and a good percentage of them are going to shirk back and hand the responsibility back over to the mom, but at least *I* have the guts to say I'm not cut out for this & am looking out for my daughter to fidn the best way to go about going back to how things were.

Or the other percentage, like peanutsdad here, is going to bullsh*t everyone into thinking he's some phenominal single parent, when really he knocked up some chick then went crawling back to his ex-wife for help. Suuuuure, he parents all by himself...that's a joke. I'm sure his partner in life would have a few things to say about that. But then again he does a damn good job of keeping her in line from what I've heard.

that is why I find his "comments" so hypocritical.

Now if you want to treat me like I'm some sort of affront to father's rights, that's your problem. I'm doing what is best for my daughter, be it a popular decision or not. I'm not asking for your approval, what I'm looking for is if you were in my shoes, and made the choice I have, how you would go about it. If you can't offer up that type of advice, don't bother posting. Although I already have the groundwork in place thanks to those who chose to care more about my child than to judge so I really am not in need of the advice anymore.

[sweetnsad]

Wow....you've got some chip on your shoulder.  

[Bolivar]

Bigsigh2004 is/was probably a number of people posting as 1.



Of course I maybe wrong.  My marriage partner is a perfect example of an error.

[Kitty C.]

Not hardly, Bo.  Many of the responders are regulars here, who have been here for a LONG time, including me.

All I ask is that we don't let happen here what has been going on at Dad's Divorce..........and of course, the powers that be here won't let it anyway...........

[Bolivar]

By fake,, I mean a women posing as a man to try to say that men only think about themselves (job, etc) and are all thumbs raising a child.

I just checked his/her profile and it said "ERROR: No such user profile.  The user has disabled his/her user profile."



P.S. you're cross the line!!!!  Slug butt :-)  lol

P.S.S. when I was at my sons 4yr daycare I heard one kid say "slug butt" and the whole table laughed!!!  I did my best not to crack a smile.  It was hard.