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Main Forums => Second Families => Topic started by: twistedtmama on Jun 29, 2011, 06:21:58 PM

Title: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jun 29, 2011, 06:21:58 PM
What is everyones opinion on the child calling their step parents mom/dad.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Kitty C. on Jun 29, 2011, 08:26:47 PM
That can be a hot debate between CP's and NCP's......
 
All I can tell you from our experience (CP and NCP) is that it's different between DS and SS.  In DS's case, he was born with a ready-made step-mom (long story).  When DS started to talk, he couldn't say 'step-mama'...it came out 'Ep-mama'...and it stuck!  He's 22 now and still calls her that, LOL!  He's pretty close to her and I'm glad that he still feels comfortable calling her that....she even signs her cards that way!  (http://www.deltabravo.net/forum/Smileys/default/smiley.gif)  DS's dad died in 2002.  And DS has always called DH by his first name.
 
In SS's case, I came into his life when he was 3 and he calls me by my first name.  That's what his Daddy called me, so that's what he called me.  We had an issue when SS was 5 with last names.  Apparently when BM got remarried, SS thought that his last name changed, too....and BM never corrected him.  That came to a head when we saw that she'd labeled SS's toy bag he brought to our house to include her husband's last name.  DH put an immediate stop to that.  To be honest with you, I'm glad we just automatically used my first name...BM would have gone ballistic if SS called me mom, too.
 
About 7 years ago, we were camping with both boys and DS asked about doing something and SS answered 'If Mom will let us'.  I whipped around and looked at SS....he has a little grin on his face, he didn't do it by accident.  But he also knew better even then (he was about 9-10 at the time) that his mom would hate it.  It's happened a few times since then, but I realized he only did it when DS was around, because that's what DS calls me...I think it was because it made SS feel more a part of the family.
 
IMO, it can be such a volatile issue that a suggestion I would make is to ask the bio-parent how they feel about it, whether it be a first name or even a pet name.  But if that's not an option, I would stick to first names....very young children might find it easier to have a pet name, though.  But I feel that, out of respect of the bio-parents, step-parents should never be called Mom or Dad or insist a child do that.  Once the child becomes an adult, what they call a step-prent is up to them, even if it's 'Hey you!  (http://www.deltabravo.net/forum/Smileys/default/wink.gif)
 
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: tigger on Jun 29, 2011, 10:02:21 PM
Step-parents should not be called by parental titles.  The only exception would be IF the bio parent was out of the picture VOLUNTARILY for at least two years.  I call my stepmom by her first name in general.  I'll call her "mom" if I'm speaking directly to my siblings via her (I was raised by her and my dad so I was in the same household as my siblings 100% of the time).  I refer to her by her grandparent name if I'm speaking to my kids or my niece and nephews. 

I call my birth mother by her first name.  (She left when I was 3 and was out of the picture consistently starting around age 8 or so.)  My cousins call her by a nickname that she has tried to get me, my brother and our kids to call her but none of us are comfortable doing so.  It's a nickname that our youngest cousin (17 years younger than me) started calling her when she was little because she couldn't say her name (odd, my other two cousins had no problem pronouncing her name but whatever . . .) 

It's easier for the kids to sort that relationship out themselves without complicating it. 

My ex's wife forced the boys to call her "mom" and they now refuse to call her anything, including her first name.  I never made a big deal out of it and told them that a title didn't define our relationship that the love was there regardless of what anyone was called.  They would get in trouble if they messed and called her by her first name or told someone that she was their stepmother. 
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: bloom6372 on Jun 29, 2011, 10:15:01 PM
I feel that no child should be forced to call a stepparent anything. As long as it's not disrespectful, it should be the child's choice.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: MixedBag on Jun 30, 2011, 05:23:09 AM

I feel that no child should be forced to call a stepparent anything. As long as it's not disrespectful, it should be the child's choice.

 
And that's what usually starts the debate....
 
A very young child isn't "choosing" -- they are parroting what they hear.
 
And have no clue about all the emotional implications that their "choice" or rather "parroting" brings down the road and all the confusion about loyalties and conflict that is attached.
 
 
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: ocean on Jun 30, 2011, 06:19:05 AM
I met my SD when she was 3 years old. She calls me by my first name. As she got older and Ex and I had kids together she would slip and say "mom" because the her sisters called me mom.

My girls now call my DH by his first name but will get him "dad" cards and gifts for his birthday and fathers day. With friends they will say my parents BUT their father has not been around for 4 years so DH is slowly taking over that dad part.

It is a process and when you first meet child (and you are just dating their parent) you should not be called mom or dad. So...when you get married or move in together to ask the child to now switch the name to mom or dad...kinda hard, especially if they are older. My Dh just started saying "my daughter" when referring to my girls. It is nice but it took the 3-4 years for the blended family to feel right and them to feel comfortable enough.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jun 30, 2011, 07:16:19 AM
My husband has been in my sons life since he was almost 2 years old. Bio dad is very inconsistent and is constantly in and out of my sons life. He sees my son every 5-6 months, he cancels constantly because he supposedly has better things to do.
 
My son calls my husband dad. It was never forced. Bio dad gets mad about it. But what do you expect when your constantly absent from your child's life. My husband supports, raises and does everything for my son. His bio dad does nothing.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: ocean on Jun 30, 2011, 07:33:55 AM
Hmm... If he met your husband at 2 then he should of been calling him by his name at the beginning.  At what point did your son change over to "dad"? (and at that point, you should of talked to son about how he already has a "dad" and your husband loves him very much but is his step dad and not dad and we both call him XX)

Many of us here have dealt with parent alienation and having child call someone else mom or dad is one part of it. If father was totally out of the picture for years then if someone is there to fill that role, great. But this child has a "dad" (may not be the best one but you chose him). Put the shoe on the other foot, what if he showed up to next visit with a fiance and he told your son during the visit, she was his new mom? and to call her "mom".

Families do it differently and it sometimes all are okay and sometimes it gets into a legal match. Many people have in their court papers that no one else will be called "mom" or "dad" except bio parents.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jun 30, 2011, 07:56:49 AM
He met my husband when he was 1 and a half. Even before my husband was in the picture he didn't call his bio dad, daddy. He always refered to his dad by his first name. It's because bio dad would disappear in and our of his sons life every 5-7 months and not be heard from, so him and my son never bonded or formed a relationship.
 
If he showed up with a fiancee and my son called her mom it honestly wouldn't bother me. A child can have two moms and two dads just like a child can have two sets of grandparents thats my opinion. I am happy my son and husband formed a bond, it just means he feels close to his step father.
 
Bio dad called his step father dad, growing up so he is being hypocritical.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: fight4him on Jul 14, 2011, 09:47:13 AM
I have been in my SS's life since before he was born. I do call him my step son even though we aren't married yet. I am called by my first name (or his version of it since he is just now talking good). Sometimes when he comes from his BM's he slips and calls me mom. I don't make a big deal of it because it's adjustment time. I'm sure he goes back and calls her by my name too. lol He knows and most times will correct himself. Sometimes I do correct him. It's just not a big deal. I will not be letting him call me mom though because I know it would highly piss BM off and no need for that. She does enough of it already. :)

My son calls my bf (of 4 years) by his first name.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Kitty C. on Jul 14, 2011, 03:35:19 PM
'Even before my husband was in the picture he didn't call his bio dad, daddy. He always refered to his dad by his first name. It's because bio dad would disappear in and our of his sons life every 5-7 months and not be heard from, so him and my son never bonded or formed a relationship.'
 
This bothers me.  At such a young age, there's no way he could understand the difference.  If the child was calling his bio-dad by dad's first name, the child was TOLD to.  I have no idea who.....heck, it could have been bio-dad himself.  But it doesn't change the fact that he was told in some way, shape, or form.  He could have even learned by omission, as my SS did.
 
When SS was 5, DH and I got married and so did BM.  SS knew that BM's last name changed and he innocently assumed his did, too.  The thing is, BM and SH NEVER corrected him on it.  They allowed him to believe that his last name had changed, when it hadn't.  We found out about it when SS came over one weekend with a toy bag with his first name and SH's last name on it.  When we saw it, DH asked SS what his name was and he responded 'SS SH's last name'.  When DH took SS home, he explained to SS that his last name was NOT SH's, but DH's, that it never changed.  Well, SS broke out in tears...which really made me wonder just how BM and SH really were handling it.  Then DH had a talk with BM, accusing her of not correcting SS and leading him to believe his last name had changed.  He also informed BM that if she didn't cease and desist, he would see her in court.  Not that anything could have been done in court, but it put the fear of God in BM and it never happened again.
 
Children learn a LOT by watching and listening to adults and often mimic them.  If you called ex by his first name and didn't correct the child when he did it, in my book, it's the same as if you had told him to use dad's first name. 
 
One other thing that bothers me....he's not just your son, he's you and your ex's.  It says a lot about general attitude of the situation.  JMO, but overall it gives me the impression that you would rather push the dad out of the picture.  Maybe that's why he doesn't take his son very much?  Pure speculation here, but that's how I read the situation.....
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: ocean on Jul 14, 2011, 05:04:11 PM
I typed the same exact thing Kitty but then erased it this morning...
Your child was too young to even make that decision and he has a bio father (that you picked). When his bio dad showed up, he should of be told, "daddy is here". There are many kids that only see their dad's during the summer visits due to distance or jobs. When you met your now husband, he should of heard that his name was XX, and that should of stuck until you married. Depending on his age at your marriage, you could of explained what a step -dad is but that we are still going to both call him X.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: gemini3 on Jul 16, 2011, 12:11:26 PM
My personal opinion is that the kids should be allowed to call their steps what makes them comfortable and happy - whether it is their first name, or mom/dad, or another term that they come up with.  I know some kids who have a special name for their step, so that they can express their love and attachment to that person without the loyalty bind of the term "mom" or "dad".  My stepkids call me by my first name.  At one time they were calling me "mom", but their mom had a complete meltdown about it, so they went back to calling me by my first name.  I never asked them or expected them to call me mom, they just did on their own after about 3 years.  But, they're not required to do it - and it doesn't bother me if they don't.
 
I know a lot of people will say that a child should never call a step "mom" or "dad".  I personally think this is a bit territorial, but I understand where that comes from.  Especially if there has been alienation.  When I was growing up I was very close to one of my friends, and we spent a lot of time at each others houses.  I called her mother "mom" when I was at their house, and vice-versa.  This wasn't out of disrespect for our own mothers - it was because we saw them as our collective moms, so to speak.  I give this example because I think that, often times, kids who have a close relationship with their steps will refer to them as "mom" or "dad" because that is the relationship they have with them.  I don't see anything wrong with that and I think forbidding a child to do it if that's how they feel about their step is to deny the importance of one of their primary relationships.  That's a disservice to the child.
 
However... the situation with twistedmama is slightly different.  What I find problematic about that situation is, as Kitty has already addressed, that he refers to his real father by his first name.  That should never happen.  Never should a child call a step "mom" or "dad" and then refer to their biological parent by their first name.  That smacks of replacement, and I don't blame the father at all for being upset.  The message that is sent to the child when they are taught, encouraged, or allowed to do this is that their bio-parent is unimportant, lacking somehow, undeserving of their love or respect, and so on.
 
So the issue here isn't so much that the child is calling the step "dad".  The issue is that the child is calling the step "dad" and then referring to his real father by his first name.  The rule should be that it's ok to add, but never to take away.  A step does not replace the real parent.  No matter how great the step is, or how bad the bio-parent is, it's not a replacement.  Ever.
 
Just look at kids who have been adopted.  They grow up (usually) never knowing their bio-parents, or forming any kind of bond with them.  In many cases, even when they have a strong bond and loving, supportive relationship with their adoptive parents, they still grow up wanting to know their real parents, wanting to find them, wanting to have a relationship with them.  That speaks to the fact that the biological parental bond is transcendent, and that it can't be ignored or replaced.  Why do some people believe that their children will be "fine" without the other parent in their lives, or that they can just replace them with another parent of their choosing?  In my mind it's selfish and makes no sense whatsoever.  People who do that are just hurting their own children for their own selfish reasons.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Kitty C. on Jul 16, 2011, 02:39:56 PM
Well said, gemini...........
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: mandymay on Jul 21, 2011, 07:57:19 AM
I think it is important to allow the kids to call you what ever they feel comfortable with, i have two beautiful children that came with my husband....and i get called all different things, the 4 yrs old decided to call me "meme" and the 11 asked what he should call me and i told him what ever he wished to. Sometimes i get my name, sometimes i get meme and other times i get mom... i respond to it all - what they call you is not as important and they way they treat you and love you...i am lucky to have two kids in my life that are sweet, kind and open and have accepted me with open arms.
 
 
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Kitty C. on Jul 21, 2011, 09:53:25 AM
I agree that kids should be allowed to call a step-parent what they want, but at what risk?  When SS was little, he would be physically punished if something happened while he was with us that BM hated.  And one time while I was washing our ambulance, SS and SF pulled up alongside at the storage units next door.  To be cordial, I said hi to SS and told him we were looking forward to seeing him the next weekend.  That's it...nothing else.  Innocent, right?  That next weekend, SS told us HE got punished because I 'talked to him when it wasn't our time with him'.......IOW, he got a spanking.
 
So unfortunately SS learned VERY early to tread lightly for fear of what BM would do or say...he was learning this at 5 y.o.  He learned VERY quickly that calling me anything other than my first name was a huge no-no.  Some parents will blow a gasket if they find out their child is calling a step-parent Mom/Dad.  Given all that kids go through with having a split family, I wish it were okay to just allow them to use whatever title is comfortable to them, but often that's not the case.  My recommendation would be to gauge how easy-going/volatile the CP is and act accordingly, even if that means telling the child they need to use another title for the step-parent.  There's plenty of other high profile issues that the kids might get caught in the middle of..........this issue shouldn't be one of them.  Another case of 'pick your battles'.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 22, 2011, 11:23:18 AM
yeah but bio dad never comes to see his son about twice a year, and he lives an hr from us. I would not force my son to call bio dad. Daddy when he doesn't even know him. Would you call someone dad just because it is the dad even if you didn't know them?
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: MixedBag on Jul 22, 2011, 03:06:18 PM
Because when you look at it from the child's point of view -- That's STILL Dad.....maybe a horrible dad, but that's still DAD.
 
 
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 22, 2011, 04:21:24 PM
I am not going to force my son to call his bio dad just because he is the dad he never sees him. Any guy can have a kid doesn't make you a dad. If he wants the dad title maybe he should actually be a dad.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Kitty C. on Jul 22, 2011, 07:16:31 PM
Then you will reap what you sow.  You are NOT looking at this from the perspective of the child, only yourself.
 
'Any guy can have a kid doesn't make you a dad. If he wants the dad title maybe he should actually be a dad.'
 
That is only your opinion.  The child is only a toddler and does NOT think like an adult....he cannot perceive the difference.
 
Years ago, I swore up and down I would NOT force DS on a plane to see his father.  DS was only 7-8 and kept asking why Daddy wouldn't come to see him, then he started saying if Daddy doesn't come to see him, he won't go see Daddy.  It angered me and I vowed then and there that I would not force DS to get on a plane.  But since he only went to see his dad every summer and EO X-mas, once my anger subsided, I realized that he still needed to see his dad, no matter what.  So leading up to his flights, I would play it up to him, reminding him what fun the plane trip is and how much fun he has with family in CA.  And by the time he had to leave, he was really excited to go.
 
DS's dad died of cancer when DS was 13....he's now 22.  As an adult, he knows now what his dad's 'flaws' were, but still loves him anyway, because regardless of all his flaws, DS still loved him with all his heart.   I could have very easily turned him against his dad, but I also realized that no matter how much I hated his dad, I loved DS more
 
It was DS's perception of the situation and HIS perception was guided by his parents.  If you guide your child's perception positively, he will respond positively.  How his father guides his perception is totally out of your hands.  But whatever you do now can have either positive or negative consequences in the future.....it's up to you to decide.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 23, 2011, 03:26:44 AM
My son called his sf dad on his own. So I am not going to push the subject on him calling his dad, daddy. He has seen my son maybe 20 times in his whole life, and he doesn't do crap for him. If I was absent most of the time in my sons life I would Understand why I wasn't being called mom.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: MixedBag on Jul 23, 2011, 05:26:52 AM
Textbook Divorce Poison answer....and logic.
 
You really need to get that book before you continue to hurt your son.
 
I don't think your line of thinking will be supported well here on that particular subject -- maybe on a board with only Moms, but definitely not here.
 
Dad and Father are the ONLY two words for him.
 
Then you get to add adjectives to describe his lack of stepping up to the plate.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 23, 2011, 09:22:16 AM
It isn't hurting my son at all thanks for your opinion though it is appreciated.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: gemini3 on Jul 23, 2011, 10:10:40 AM

It isn't hurting my son at all thanks for your opinion though it is appreciated.

 
twistedtmama, it IS hurting your son.  You just don't see it yet because he is so young. 
 
Having (or "allowing") your child call his father by his first name, and call someone else dad, is classic parental alienation.  In addition to the books MixedBag suggestion, I would suggest "Breaking The Ties That Bind" by Amy Baker, PhD.  It contains numerous accounts from children who were alienated from one of their parents, and how that alienation has affected them.  The two things that we are discussing here are common strategies of alienating parents. 
 
Please understand that I am not attacking you - I am advocating for your son, and hoping you will see what harm you are causing him with this.  I know that you wouldn't hurt him on purpose.  That's why we're telling you this, so that you don't hurt him without realizing the effects all this will have on him.
Here are the outcomes you can expect your son to experience as a result of being alienated from his father:
 
- 70% of alienated children experience depression
- 65% of alienated children experience low self-esteem
- 50% are alienated from their own childen
- 40% experience a lack of trust in themselves and others
- 35% develop drug and alcohol problems
 
What you should understand is that, no matter what you think of his father, it's IS his father, and he needs that relationship.  He NEEDS to feel that he is loved by his father.  His real father.  And, maybe his father is a low-life jerk who won't step up and do what he should for his son.  There's nothing you can do about that.  But, by alienating him, YOU are causing your son harm IN ADDITION to the harm his father is already causing him.  And there is something you can do about that.  I get that you're angry with his father.  But, in my opinion, hurting the child you love and cherish because you're angry at his dad is a pretty dumb thing to do. 
 
Like I said, I'm sure that you love your son.  I know you wouldn't willingly cause him harm and, when you see that your actions are hurting him, you will take the steps to change so that your son has the best chance possible for a happy life when he becomes a man.  There are lots of ways you can deal with the hurt and anger you are feeling without harming your son.  We have all been there, and know how hard it is, and we can help with suggestions on what you can do.  But you have to love your child more than you hate your ex.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: gemini3 on Jul 23, 2011, 10:18:00 AM

My son called his sf dad on his own. So I am not going to push the subject on him calling his dad, daddy. He has seen my son maybe 20 times in his whole life, and he doesn't do crap for him. If I was absent most of the time in my sons life I would Understand why I wasn't being called mom.

 
BTW... you've posted other threads saying that your ex is fighting you on school issues because it interferes with his visitation, and that he's arguing with you because he wants to be involved with son's birthday party, but you won't allow it.  Something isn't adding up for me.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 23, 2011, 04:31:02 PM
I am not alienating him. He doesn't show up for his court ordered visitation, or anything doesn't come around himself so the only one who is preventing him from having a relationship with my ds is himself. I am not going to chase him down and beg him to have a relationship with my ds. The first year of my sons life I did that. I would call him and ask him when does he want to see his child, and I would try to work with him and he would never show up.
 
And yes he is bringing up school issues and things, but the thing is he takes me to court or asks me for all these things and never shows up for the time or things he asks for. Maybe if he wants to be a father he should show up. He doesn't even call him on the phone. I am not going to stop my son from calling my dh daddy. I mean I see your point of view you may think I am wrong everyone can have their own opinion. I don't see me as being wrong.
 
There is a lot more to being a dad than donating your sperm thats just my opinion, if I were absent in my sons life and bio dad was raising him and the step mom was being called mom, I would understand and would only blame myself, because I would be the one who chose to be absent from my sons life. At first I tried correcting my son from calling dh dad, but he would throw a fit and cry, I am not going to put my son through that. Also bio dad has threatened to sign his rights over before dh was in the picture, someone who threatens to sign over their parental rights is a parent who doe not love their child and does not deserve the title of daddy.
 
Someone who loves their child would want to see their child and be in their life. He threatens all the time to sign his rights over but he doesn't want to have to pay the 150 to sign them over.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: gemini3 on Jul 23, 2011, 05:16:37 PM
A person can't just sign away their parental rights.  There are laws prohibiting it.  So it has nothing to do with having to pay $150. 
 
Also, why would he bother going to court if he had no interest in the child and isn't exercising his visitation?  The first thing the judge is going to say is that he's not exercising his visitation.  And he has to pay for the pleasure of appearing before the court.  Which, according to what you say, he doesn't want to even spend $150 to be rid of his child - why would he spend more than that to continue to ask the court for things he supposedly doesn't want anyway.
 
Your kid screamed and cried when you tried to keep him from calling DH dad?  I've never heard of that, but maybe he did.  Regardless, if your kid pitches a fit because he doesn't want to go to school, are you going to let him stay home?  Or are you going to make him go because that's what's best for him? 
 
Sorry, the things you're saying don't ring true. 
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Davy on Jul 23, 2011, 07:50:59 PM
" Someone who loves their child would want to see their child and be in their life. "

There are many fathers across this nation that deeply love their child and fought desperately to be in their life but are not in their life because some mothers are of the ilk to INTENTIONALLY  and  PURPOSEFULLY further DAMAGE the child whenever the father demands a continued relationship with the child.

So are you posting for your own self justification, guilt, expecting a reward for father bashing ??   What is your need or purpose ??
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Kitty C. on Jul 23, 2011, 08:58:33 PM
I agree 100%, Davy.....
 
 
'I am not going to stop my son from calling my dh daddy. I mean I see your point of view you may think I am wrong everyone can have their own opinion. I don't see me as being wrong.'
 
Of course YOU don't see YOU being wrong.....YOU are the only one you're worried about right now.
 
But 20 years from now, will your son see you as being wrong?   I'd bet money on it...........

 
There are so many issues that you have contradicted yourself on that it's hard to believe anything you say to begin with.  So if you want to continue showing your hatred for your ex with total disregard to your child, do it somewhere else.  This website and forum are about the need for children to have BOTH parents in their lives as much as possible.  You seem bound and determined to wipe the father completely out of the child's life, regardless of any efforts he may be attempting otherwise.  Your child has my sympathies..........
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 24, 2011, 04:47:53 AM
Actually your wrong where I live you can sign your rights away if their is a step parenting willing to adopt the child, I know this because I asked a LAWYER. Like I said I am not telling my son he has to call bio dad, dad when he doesn't even want to be in my sons life. Sorry not doing that to my son. Just because you have an opinion doesn't mean your right.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Davy on Jul 24, 2011, 07:19:18 AM
Twisted .... you continue to display ignorance.

I once received notice of my daughter impending adoption by the mother's old dance teacher and then was told I had no rights ( I was CP to my sons) and was ONLY notified as a FORMALITY.  I responded saying if they proceeded the LAWYER would be FORMALLY DISBARRED and the politican would be job less.  I'm just a the normal average father (and pro se at times).  Guess what happened.   

The mother's husband was not a candidate for adoption because he had already been terminated as a parent (by his ex-wife) to his own children.  Guess why.

Roll forward about 30 years.  Mother's husband (HE) is living in my RN daughter's garage and her husband has woken her up to let her know HE is laying at the end of the driveway and his diaper (HE craps all over himself) has fallen off.  She giggled telling me she grabbed the water hose and hosed him down real good and continued giggling saying how much she enjoyed it.  I suppose the neighbors enjoyed the whole scene as much as she did.

As much as WE ALL tried ...  my kids and I all get along with HIM more so than the mother so this might be a clue to you.

When you go away please know the people that often post here have helped a lot of parents (and kids) over a very long time and generally speaking they (and I) don't exist to promote someone's self-serving ego.
 
It is your responsibility as CP to assure the child has a fruitful relationship with the other parent.   
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 24, 2011, 09:08:52 AM
I don't see how I am preventing him from seeing my son, my job as a custodial parent is to make my son available for his visitation. Not to bend over backwards honestly it takes two if he isn't willing to do his part for his vistation then I am not doing all the work.
 
When my son was a yr old I provided all the clothes, sent him with toys, even called him to see when he wanted to see his son, he would never return outfits or anything so I had to go out every month and spend 300-400 a month replacing everything, that wasn't returned I just couldn't afford to do that so I added in the co that he is to supply things, he says its a waste of money to go out and buy all that stuff, so its his fault why he doesn't see his son, because he won't go out and buy things he would rather go out and booze at the club.
 
He wants to come to my house to have visitation, but he doesn't want my dh there so I told him no not happening. He is more than welcome to take my son whenever he wants as long as he can provide for him during the visits.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Kitty C. on Jul 24, 2011, 10:08:59 AM
You can justify it any way you want to....it still isn't flying with us.  If you have to bend over backwards to ensure the child has a relationship with his father, then that's what you do........you sacrifice for your child.
 
Ours was a LD custody agreement, over 1800 miles.  DS started flying all by himself when he was SIX years old...because that is what the judge ordered.  But by FAA regulations, until he was 8-9, DS had to fly non-stop, which meant that EVERY TIME DS flew, I had to drive him 250 miles to the nearest airport that would provide non-stop service.  Which also meant that I had to drive 1000 miles every time he flew:  500 miles there and back when DS flew out and 500 miles there and back when DS returned.  And every other year I did that TWICE.
 
When we first separated, I HATED DS's dad....there were false accusations galore and I was even reported to CPS for a totally unfounded case of abuse.  The degree of the accusations stunned me and deepened my hatred.  It appeared that every time the custody case wasn't going the way DS's dad wanted it, he would throw out some new accusation.  At one point, we reconciled and moved here, only to have him abscond with DS 5 months later without my knowledge.  It took me 6 weeks, 3 trips to CA, 2 emergency hearings and 1 emergency mediation to get DS back.  Then DS suffered from severe separation anxiety for a long time after that.  I would leave him with my mom to go to work and DS would stand at the door screaming 'MOMMY, DON'T GO, DON'T GO!'  It made my blood boil and I swore right there that if his father were standing in front of me, I would have gunned him down on the spot.  And DS refused to sleep by himself for a year and a half after that.  I felt I had EVERY reason to hate him for what he did to DS.
 
But I also knew that harboring that kind of anger would not only be detrimental to me, it would have devastating efffects on DS.  So I changed my mindset, focused on DS, and made a concerted effort to get along with his father.  I HAD to be the bigger person for DS's sake.  It took time, but we managed to co-parent efficiently, even LD.  But it was only temporary, maybe 5-6 years.  I would not wish the death of a parent on any child.  DS is now 22 and still reeling from his father's death 9 years ago.  In hindsight, I would have driven 1000 miles every MONTH if that meant DS would have had more time with his father.  It's called sacrifice....
 
Your son is only 5...can you say for certain how he will feel about this 20 years from now?  Absolutely not.  If he wants to call your DH 'Dad', it's probably only because he's heard friends/playmates use the same term and he equates it to the dominant male in the household, nothing else.  Which is a shame, because it's obvious he's never been taught exactly what 'Dad' means, especially regarding the biological component.  That's YOUR job as a parent.  Whenever he calls his bio-dad by his first name, all you have to do is say, 'You mean your Dad/Father'.  Repeat it often enough and he will get the lesson.  You never corrected him before, which is why he still uses Dad's first name.
 
Answer, don't answer......I personally really don't care.  But every one of your responses so far have been in justifying your own actions.  Which baffles me to figure out why you even came here in the first place...unless it was to bolster you own justifications for your actions.  If that's the case, you came to the wrong place.........
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: gemini3 on Jul 24, 2011, 11:39:49 AM
So, he's "threatening" to sign over his parental rights, but just won't do it because he doesn't want to pay $150 to do it.  But you spoke to a lawyer, and your husband wants to adopt the child?  Hmmm.... doesn't seem like much of a threat to me.
 
Also, you said previously in this same thread that for the first year of sons life you would call dad to spend time with his son, but he would never show.  Now you're saying he spent so much time with him that you were spending hundreds of dollars a month replacing all of the things that you sent on visitation.
 
I call bullshit twistedtmama.  I suggest you hire a counselor to help you deal with your issues instead of posting on this board.  You'll find no help here. 
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: fight4him on Jul 24, 2011, 05:34:02 PM
I fear she is doing this to punish the dad for not being what she deems a good father. I hate, hate, hate my ss's bm but I would never, ever try to turn him against her. Because that would hurt HIM and no one else. A child cannot have enough loving adults in his life. I can only imagine what this father has to deal with to see his son, which MAY explain some of why he doesn't. This is a very sad thread.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: gemini3 on Jul 25, 2011, 07:24:48 AM
I agree.  Her posts are typical of a hostile-aggressive parent, who is willfully alienating her child from his father.  This type of person does everything they can to make the other parents life miserable, to push them away from the child.  Then when the other parent backs away to protect themselves, or because they can't deal with it anymore, the alienating parent points the finger and says they're a bad parent.
 
We've all seen this before.  I feel sad for the child who is stuck in the middle.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 25, 2011, 03:58:33 PM
If I should bend over backwards to make sure the father is in my sons life, then what do you think bio fathers responsibility should be? Just curious because Its not only my job.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: gemini3 on Jul 25, 2011, 04:26:34 PM
No one ever said it was.  But just because he's not doing what he should doesn't mean you no longer have an obligation to do what's right for your son.  If it will help your son grow up happier with fewer problems why wouldn't you want to?  Quit worrying about what he should or shouldn't be doing and look at your own actions.
 
Like another poster said - a good parent makes sacrifices for their child.  Trust me, we've all done it ourselves.  No one here is expecting you to do anything we don't do ourselves.  It's not easy to do when you have an ex that you disagree with.  But we do it, and we make the best of it, because we love our kids and it's what's best for them.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Kitty C. on Jul 25, 2011, 04:29:23 PM

If I should bend over backwards to make sure the father is in my sons life, then what do you think bio fathers responsibility should be? Just curious because Its not only my job.


That's not for you or anyone else to decide or dictate.  You cannot have any control over how he parents, any more than he has any control over how you parent.  You can only hope that he steps up, but I can guarantee you that he won't step up exactly the way you want him to, and that is exactly the way it should be.

You make this sound like a game, a contest...and you're the only one keeping score.  I can't fathom how you can possibly treat your child's life as a game.  This poor child is caught in the middle of your war with the father and you are using him as a pawn.  Better start saving up, because you will need it to pay for the counseling he's going to need eventually if you keep the current mindset.

A good, strong dose of empathy would be in order about now.  Regardless of how much hatred you have for your ex, if you can't put yourself into his shoes, think about this:  how would you feel if the situation was reversed and he was doing this to YOU?   

And I will repeat this again:  You must LOVE your child more than you HATE your ex.  When you can do that, all the rest will fall into place.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: tigger on Jul 25, 2011, 05:22:44 PM
I know you're frustrated because it feels like you've done all the sacrificing and you very well may have while he gets off scott free.  It's unfair.  It sucks.  I've been doing it for 15 years for two kids.  Their stepmother turned the oldest one against me and he moved out when he was 16 and spent years not speaking to me.  He's now 22 and we've been reconciled for 2 years.  Our youngest is now 17 and 3 years ago my ex took me to court for full custody of him because he's a boy and he needs his dad and he wants to be a full time parent to him just like he had been able to be for our oldest for a couple of years.  What I didn't have evidence of but knew was that during that time, our oldest was drinking and partying and making very bad choices.  I fought the switch of custody and my ex got extra time with YS but didn't even get 50/50.  All that whining about wanting more time and more opportunity to parent?  Empty air.  YS comes home complaining that his dad isn't home during the extra time or if he is, he's sleeping.  YS had an opportunity to work for a gentleman this week and since he doesn't drive, he depends on us for rides.  I've willingly dropped him off and picked him today on my way to work.  My ex goes the same way to work and it was just too inconvenient for him so he's going to "let" me get him tomorrow and oh, by the way this means that I need to feed him dinner AND take him to his training at the fire station and pick him.  Thanks for letting me, once again take over your parenting that you begged the judge to give you.  So I'll change my plans for tomorrow evening, take something out for dinner (I had planned to eat a sandwich since it was supposed to be just me) and I'll take care of what YS needs.  Does he love his dad?  Absolutely.  Do I say anything negative about his dad?  Tempting but absolutely not.  Is it frustrating?  Yes.  More than anyone who hasn't been there can understand.  I've watched both kids be disappointed that he's not there for the mundane things.  He refused to pick up our oldest when he took Driver's Ed because he didn't want to "drive all the way out there".  "All the way out there" consisted of him going 10 minutes past his parents' house (where he took his visitation) to the high school and then back again 10 minutes.  And all of this was AFTER he got off work at his normal time.  So instead he "let" me pick him up.  That entailed me getting off work an hour early, canceling my plans for the evening and driving that same distance and dropping OS off at my ex's parents so he still had his visitation.  You know what, the kids see it.  I don't have to say a word and they both see it.  OS realizes that I've always been there for him and that his SM manipulated him as a teen to get his way.  He realizes he would have been better off staying with me.  YS sees it too.  He knows I'm always there.  They know their dad loves them but he's unreliable at best. 

Their relationship with their dad is theirs to work out now that they are older.  I'm confident that I did nothing to interfere with that relationship and in fact, did everything that I could to encourage it and the boys know that.  What they do with it now that they are older is up to them but I have a clean conscience.  You won't be able to say the same.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 26, 2011, 04:13:50 PM
Actually I do have a clear conscience. I bent over backwards for a long time let him get away with a lot, I would call him and remind him of visitation, I would do everything above and beyond my job to faciliate the relationship I would pack the extra clothes if needed and toys, and I would even provide my car seat, usually when he lived in our town my family would drive my son over to his fathers for visitation. Also when his step father tried running my sons bio dad over with a truck my family and I opened our doors for him to have visitation in our home, so I did bend over backwards, but I pretty much got tired of being taken advantage of, faciliating and getting taken advantage of are two different things.
 
I have always encouraged my son to see his father, after he moved an hr away I would always have my son ready for his visitation I would show up to the drop off location and he doesn't show up. I won't supply outfits because he would take my outfits and give them to my nephew I would not receive my outfits back so I stopped sending outfits, also he ruined my 200 dollar car seat I had to buy a whole new one. I make sure my son calls his bio dad at least once a week, my son leaves voice mails and bio dad never returns them, so honestly I have done all I can to faciliate the relationship.
 
Now he is saying he only wants to take visitation, if I can either transport my son an hr away or let him come to my home for visitation, neither one is an option, if he wants to take his visitation he needs to find a place to go with my son. I will help the relationship along but I am not going to do the work for him.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: MixedBag on Jul 26, 2011, 05:06:31 PM
all of that is fine and dandy.....BUT
 
YOU are Mom, Dad is DAD.....nothing else.
 
Just as you should never be referred to or should your child call you by your first name.
 
NEITHER should the father be called by his first name when speaking to the child, nor should the child call his father by a first name.
 
PERIOD.
 
That's what your initial question was -- and the answer remains the same.
 
Dad is DAD.
 
HOWEVER, he seems to be an absolutely lousy father.
 
But he is DAD.
 
He doesn't seem to be stepping up to the plate.
 
But he is DAD.
 
Nothing less....
 
Get yourself a copy of Divorce Poison before you blow it and mentally hurt your son.
 
Physically -- you're doing all the right things by leaning forward.
 
But he did DAD.
 
Nothing less....
 
Dad needs to do his part too, but he is DAD.
 
And that goes back to your initial question about step-parents and what they are called.
 
Step-moms -- something that says balances love and respect for this important adult in a child's life.
 
BUT MOM is MOM.
 
Step-dads -- same thing, actually what's MORE important is the love and respect as opposed to what any adult is called.
 
But DAD is DAD, nothing less, nothing more.
 
 
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: ocean on Jul 26, 2011, 05:24:47 PM
Wow,

Does dad have a car to get to you "an hour away"? What is his reasoning on staying at your house? Can he not afford to go places? Offer to meet him at a park and you will supply child's sandwich/food for the day. There are cheap/no fee things he can meet you for. Paying for gas, traveling to you for a weekend, and paying for whatever they do can be $100 or more each time that maybe he does not have. You have the child support money so you have the money for child.

In another post you wrote about the birthday (we read all the boards so you can group your issues together) party. I agree no together birthday. We never did that BUT you can offer that he gets him for breakfast that day, up to 12 and drop him off for your birthday. Be very careful here, as child gets older, he may start taking him more and more. When his birthday lands on his weekend, you want him to cooperate so you both see him on that day. Offer a few solutions then it is up to him to pick one (1. come get him for breakfast, Ill give you $20 of child support to go to diner 2. get him the weekend before, 3. get him the weekend after).

Are you "allowing" him to take him back to his town? Offer to meet half way ONE time, tell him if he does not show, you will not do it again. I know you have done it before, but he needs both parents. You "chose" him to be his father....many moons ago so make the best of it.

You can't have his rights taken away with him paying child support. Bio-dad would have to agree to give up rights and your husband would have to sign and adopt child so the state would still have two parents to go after in case you file for social services. You would not get anymore child support.

I do not understand many of your posts because if he really is that bad, then pay the fee to have him adopted and have bio dad sign the papers. Sounds like you like getting child support but that is it. Remember how many children who are adopted go looking for their bio parents anyway. That will happen at some point. Hopefully as the child gets older, he will be more comfortable taking him (not doing feedings/diapers..etc..).

When was the last time he saw child? and he wants to come for child's birthday soon?
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 26, 2011, 07:03:48 PM
Bio dad is the one who moved an hr away due to his step father kicking him out, he was refusing to pay his step dad any rent money so step dad had enough and kicked him out so he went to go live with his dad. And yes he has a car. His reason for staying at my house is because he doesn't want to have to spend money on my son when he has him, and yes this did come right out of his mouth. Trust me he can afford it, he lives with his dad rent free, pays no bills, and his dad gives him gas money, his dad lets him keep his pay check he chooses to blow 200 dollars a week on drinks at the club or buy himself new outfits, so it's not like he cannot afford it.
 
I have offered many options regarding my sons birthday, his birthday party doesn't start until 4pm, so I offered him 9am to 4pm when the birthday starts, this was not good enough for bio dad. He said he either wants to get invited to the birthday party, or he wanted to have him the whole day, I told him both of his requests were not possible. One thing I will not do is give him money to bring his son out to breakfast if he wants to take my son to breakfast he will have to pay for it, I am not going to pay for his visitation time. he pays me 39 dollars a week and half the time I don't receive child support, so I really cannot afford to fund his parenting time.
 
He can take him back to his town if he wants, I am not going to tell him where he can and cannot take him during his visitation time. I really cannot offer to meet him half way, when he moved we put into the co that he is responsible for all transportation for the fact that I never have driven so he agreed to doing all transportation. When he lived in my town my mother would take me to drop off my son.
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: brwneyedmom on Jul 26, 2011, 09:54:15 PM
Please stop. I am sickened reading your words. You aren't learning anything from those of us who have been raked through the coals by the other parent. As CP, it is YOUR responsibility to facilitate a relationship between dad and "your" son. The truth is, this child belongs to both of you. It doesn't matter that he moved, that he doesn't want to spend money on this child, or that he is a low-life, irresponsible, drinking and partying man. You CHOSE him to be a father. Now you live with the consequences.
Stop trying to convince us that you are right. We know better. Our collective wisdom over divorce, separation, and parenting/custody arguments would fill a library. You are refusing to listen, listing the same grievances against your ex over and over. We've heard it before. We know that song and dance. One day, you may find yourself losing custody if your ex gets wiser to the system and how it works.

I will say it again. As CP, it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to facilitate a relationship between the father and his son. You must do this. You must do this until this child is 18. Now go out and do it.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 27, 2011, 03:33:45 AM
I do faciliate the relationship don't get how your not saying I am not, he is free to take my son whenever he wants, I just cannot do the transporting because I do not have a license, so obviously if I don't have a license I cannot operate a vehicle. And just because I don't feel comfortable with him coming to my home doesn't mean I am not faciiliating the relationship, he wants visitation in my home, but is dictating and saying he doesn't want my dh there during the visitation, he cannot say my dh cannot come home to a home that he pays for.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: MixedBag on Jul 27, 2011, 06:51:17 AM
Part of facilitating that relationship is to call his father DAD.
 
PERIOD.
 
nothing else...
 
And Step-dad is stepping in...
 
 
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 27, 2011, 08:46:11 AM
and part of faciliating the relationship does not include me giving bio dad money to take his son out or opening my door for a visitation location.
 
PERIOD.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: MixedBag on Jul 27, 2011, 08:53:44 AM
But that's not why you started this thread....
 
It was about name calling for step-parents which lead to the fact that you do not encourage or teach your child to call his father "DAD"
 
THEN you tried to justify it -- because he is an awful father.
 
And that's what's wrong.
 
He is dad, he should be called DAD.
 
Can you at least agree to  this?
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 27, 2011, 09:18:47 AM
No I cannot atleast agree to this, I am not going to agree to something I don't agree with just to pacify you, everyone is entitled to there own opinion. Now I am tired of discussing this topic, so topic closed.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Kitty C. on Jul 27, 2011, 10:05:34 AM
Thank God, because I was ready to tell you to take your 'issues' some place else.  You come here asking questions and when numerous people give you advice based upon their own experiences, you bash them all because it doesn't meet your 'agenda'.  Like I've said before...and will repeat as many times as it takes.....you can justify your actions till the cows come home but that doesn't make them ethically right or what's best for the child.
 
 
I truly, truly feel sorry for your child.  The poor boy will grow up as a pawn in his parents' 'game' and never know the true meaning of parenthood.   I hope you aren't looking forward to grandchildren by him, because I would not be surprised 20-30 years from now that he refrains from being a parent completely....because he doesn't want his kids to go through the pain that he dealt with.......and rightly so.
 
Good riddance......
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 27, 2011, 11:50:19 AM
I feel bad because his bio idiot refuses to take visitation unless I pay for his visitation or I let him visit at my home. I feel bad that obviously he isn't that important to his dad.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Kitty C. on Jul 27, 2011, 02:04:36 PM
'Like I've said before...and will repeat as many times as it takes.....you can justify your actions till the cows come home but that doesn't make them ethically right or what's best for the child.'
 
 
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 27, 2011, 02:23:19 PM
do not tell me what is best for my child until you meet him.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: ocean on Jul 27, 2011, 04:03:59 PM
I just shake my head.....
YOU picked his father. If father is having difficulty getting to you and paying for the visit then you should be encouraging and helping in any way you can. Since you do not drive, you can not help out that way so that is why he is asking to do it at your house (but he can still pick up child and go to a place where it does not cost anything-park, library..).  To drive an hour to you, not have money to do anything, to take child for an hour or two and then drive back is rough (not that he should not try either). It takes both of you to parent and work together. If your new husband and ex do not get along, then do not have your husband there at exchanges.

The calling dad issue, you chose that for your child as he was a toddler when the issue came up. You wanted your child to call your new husband dad and that is what happened. You can not blame a 2 year old for calling your new husband "dad" when no one else was doing it in the house. That came from you. You could of had a picture of bio-dad and pointed to it often saying that is your "dad", this is XX. We both call him XX. 

What you are doing is PAS'ing your child. Many of us here have dealt with it on the other side. Having your child call another person "mom" or "dad" is a slap in the face, especially when everyone does not get along.

Once he is in school and people ask him who your husband is, is when your child will start to understand the full meaning of all of this. "well, he is my dad but not really my dad...i call my dad...xx".

We/I do not expect you to go home tonight and tell child "no more, call him by his first name". BUT you can start having talks about the differences between a dad and step dad. That he has XX who is his bio dad and when he sees him, it is okay to call him dad too.

Please make sure your child is not listening or can hear you when you are talking about his bio father (birthday issues -on the phone, overhearing conversations....).

The best scenario is you can offer to meet with bio dad and you at a public place and try to work some of this all out (or back and forth in emails?). It would be best that you all work to parent this child and allow him to love all the families involved. Print out a Sept calendar and fill in school days and ask him what days he can come get child, even if it is once a month for now until everyone can afford the visits.



 
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: texasstepmom on Jul 27, 2011, 05:17:01 PM
Depending on the childs age I think that it is the childs choice. I have a 13 yr old SS and a 14 yr old SS both of which have always CHOSE to call me "mom". I have other kids of my own both older and younger and my 13 yr old SS has always made the comment that I have been more of a mother figure for him then his own. They have both been told that they are welcome to call me whatever they were comfortable with as long as it wasnt disrespectible. So my opinion is that each case is different.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: brwneyedmom on Jul 27, 2011, 06:34:00 PM
This is a twisted argument. Children do not have a choice in many matters. Do they choose to go to the doctor when they are sick? Do they choose not to go to school because they don't like it anymore? Do they choose to play violent computer games or have absolutely no limits on the internet?
No. They need parents and guidance. This is your job. You are masking yourself as a mom (and as step-mom you have a great deal of love and influence) and this is not fair to the BM. You could have them call you "mom" but in a different language so that it's a special name just between you. In America, mom is mom. You are not.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 27, 2011, 06:49:01 PM
My son is 4, almost five. Even before my husband was in the picture my sons bio dad was not really an involved parent. When I first had my son, I came down with the flu, I asked bio dad to watch my son and he said it wasn't his responsibility and that I was the mother and that it is my job to take care of him whether I am sick or not. He is never there, one time when he was living 5 minutes from my house, my son was ill and I had to take him to the emergency room I called the bio dad and he actually told me that he couldn't get up out of bed and that his sleep was more important that bringing his son to the emergency room with me, YUP, but this is a guy that should be called dad. Father or not a father who does not do for their child should not deserve the title of daddy. Sorry plain and simple.
 
 
 

Depending on the childs age I think that it is the childs choice. I have a 13 yr old SS and a 14 yr old SS both of which have always CHOSE to call me "mom". I have other kids of my own both older and younger and my 13 yr old SS has always made the comment that I have been more of a mother figure for him then his own. They have both been told that they are welcome to call me whatever they were comfortable with as long as it wasnt disrespectible. So my opinion is that each case is different.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: texasstepmom on Jul 27, 2011, 07:01:23 PM
So brwneyedmom, am I suppose to correct them when they come to me at bedtime and give me a huge hug and say goodnite mom?? I think not. I have already made it perfectly clear to them that if that is the way that they see me and they choose to call me that then, yes, that is their choice! There are some things that at a particular age they have the right to make certain choices of their own. That is what makes them learn to make choices for themselves. It is called growing up. Now if I were to tell them "this is what you have to call me" then I think things would be alittle different. I guess to each his own. But i see all these kids as mine whether they are biologically or not.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 27, 2011, 07:01:51 PM
What part of he has money to take his son places, he chooses to spend it on themselves, sorry but I get bad mouthed for my son calling his sp daddy. But yet nobody is pointing out how selfish he is by not putting his child first, like I said he makes PLENTY of money but chooses to go out clubbing with it, maybe the loser should put some money aside for his visitation. You know I can only do so much as parent, I cannot afford to give him money to take out his son, maybe he should take him to the park or something, or maybe go to his sisters house with my son, since she does live about 10-15 minutes from my house.

Even if I could drive I would not help out with transportation like I said he CHOSE to move away, even if I didn't have a license and I was the one who moved I would find a way to go bring my son to bio dad for his visits. A lawyer that I have talked to said the parent that decides to relocate is responsible for the transportation. So I am not obligated to drive him, bio dad expects ALOT. If I was the ncp who relocated I would NOT expect bio dad to cater to me and transport my child. At some point ladies whether you like to realize it or not, you need to hold these men accountable and let them take responsibility, its nobody's job to do the ncp's job as a parent. Bio dad tried taking me to court asking the judge to have him have visitation in my home, the judge told him no and that its NOT my responsibility and that if he wants to take him that it is his visitation so he must find something to do with him during that time. Sorry But you know what I think I am going to respect the judge and listen to what he ordered.

Actually I am not PAS'SING my son, maybe if bio dad didn't chose to be absent most of the time, my son would recognize his father as his dad, if he actually showed up and bonded with him. I don't see how its a slap in the face, maybe being a crappy parent is acceptable to you people but its not to me, bio dad is slapping himself in the face, nobody is preventing him from having a relationship with his son, nobody is holding his son away from him. Nobody is going to cater to bio dad, bio dad isn't going to come into my home and dictate that my husband cannot be in his own home, sorry but that just doesn't fly with me, my husband pays for the house, pays the bills, he can be home whenever he wants.

And I don't care what you expect me to do, honestly I don't care what people on the internets opinion is of me, sorry thats not the worry of my day worrying about what internet people think of me, lol I have better things to do in life.

Bio dad is selfish, doesn't care about his son, has done CRAP for his son but yet he should be called dad nope not happening, my son can call whoever he wants dad. Obviously he calls my husband dad becaus my husband has filled the dad role, and has been a dad, when bio dad hasn't been a dad. I left bio dad he didn't leave me, I left him because he didn't want the responsibility of being a dad, he was immature and wasn't ready to be a parent.




I just shake my head.....
YOU picked his father. If father is having difficulty getting to you and paying for the visit then you should be encouraging and helping in any way you can. Since you do not drive, you can not help out that way so that is why he is asking to do it at your house (but he can still pick up child and go to a place where it does not cost anything-park, library..).  To drive an hour to you, not have money to do anything, to take child for an hour or two and then drive back is rough (not that he should not try either). It takes both of you to parent and work together. If your new husband and ex do not get along, then do not have your husband there at exchanges.

The calling dad issue, you chose that for your child as he was a toddler when the issue came up. You wanted your child to call your new husband dad and that is what happened. You can not blame a 2 year old for calling your new husband "dad" when no one else was doing it in the house. That came from you. You could of had a picture of bio-dad and pointed to it often saying that is your "dad", this is XX. We both call him XX.   

What you are doing is PAS'ing your child. Many of us here have dealt with it on the other side. Having your child call another person "mom" or "dad" is a slap in the face, especially when everyone does not get along.

Once he is in school and people ask him who your husband is, is when your child will start to understand the full meaning of all of this. "well, he is my dad but not really my dad...i call my dad...xx".

We/I do not expect you to go home tonight and tell child "no more, call him by his first name". BUT you can start having talks about the differences between a dad and step dad. That he has XX who is his bio dad and when he sees him, it is okay to call him dad too.

Please make sure your child is not listening or can hear you when you are talking about his bio father (birthday issues -on the phone, overhearing conversations....).

The best scenario is you can offer to meet with bio dad and you at a public place and try to work some of this all out (or back and forth in emails?). It would be best that you all work to parent this child and allow him to love all the families involved. Print out a Sept calendar and fill in school days and ask him what days he can come get child, even if it is once a month for now until everyone can afford the visits.




Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 27, 2011, 07:06:17 PM
I never made my son call my husband dad so stop assuming things that you don't know anything about, my husband is the one who does father son activities with him, and goes to school functions and everything, have I given bio dad the option to attend these things? absolutely. Does he show up? nope, he would rather be out partying and with his friends thats his top priority, my son doesn't deserve a father who puts him as his last priority, why should my son lose out on having a father?
 
When my son looks up at my dh and says good night daddy, my husband isn't going to turn around and say don't call me that, sorry that can be harmful to the child.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Kitty C. on Jul 27, 2011, 08:19:42 PM
'What part of he has money to take his son places, he chooses to spend it on themselves, sorry but I get bad mouthed for my son calling his sp daddy. But yet nobody is pointing out how selfish he is by not putting his child first, like I said he makes PLENTY of money but chooses to go out clubbing with it, maybe the loser should put some money aside for his visitation. You know I can only do so much as parent, I cannot afford to give him money to take out his son, maybe he should take him to the park or something, or maybe go to his sisters house with my son, since she does live about 10-15 minutes from my house.

Even if I could drive I would not help out with transportation like I said he CHOSE to move away, even if I didn't have a license and I was the one who moved I would find a way to go bring my son to bio dad for his visits. A lawyer that I have talked to said the parent that decides to relocate is responsible for the transportation. So I am not obligated to drive him, bio dad expects ALOT. If I was the ncp who relocated I would NOT expect bio dad to cater to me and transport my child. At some point ladies whether you like to realize it or not, you need to hold these men accountable and let them take responsibility, its nobody's job to do the ncp's job as a parent. Bio dad tried taking me to court asking the judge to have him have visitation in my home, the judge told him no and that its NOT my responsibility and that if he wants to take him that it is his visitation so he must find something to do with him during that time. Sorry But you know what I think I am going to respect the judge and listen to what he ordered.

Actually I am not PAS'SING my son, maybe if bio dad didn't chose to be absent most of the time, my son would recognize his father as his dad, if he actually showed up and bonded with him. I don't see how its a slap in the face, maybe being a crappy parent is acceptable to you people but its not to me, bio dad is slapping himself in the face, nobody is preventing him from having a relationship with his son, nobody is holding his son away from him. Nobody is going to cater to bio dad, bio dad isn't going to come into my home and dictate that my husband cannot be in his own home, sorry but that just doesn't fly with me, my husband pays for the house, pays the bills, he can be home whenever he wants.

And I don't care what you expect me to do, honestly I don't care what people on the internets opinion is of me, sorry thats not the worry of my day worrying about what internet people think of me, lol I have better things to do in life.

Bio dad is selfish, doesn't care about his son, has done CRAP for his son but yet he should be called dad nope not happening, my son can call whoever he wants dad. Obviously he calls my husband dad becaus my husband has filled the dad role, and has been a dad, when bio dad hasn't been a dad. I left bio dad he didn't leave me, I left him because he didn't want the responsibility of being a dad, he was immature and wasn't ready to be a parent.'
 
'I never made my son call my husband dad so stop assuming things that you don't know anything about, my husband is the one who does father son activities with him, and goes to school functions and everything, have I given bio dad the option to attend these things? absolutely. Does he show up? nope, he would rather be out partying and with his friends thats his top priority, my son doesn't deserve a father who puts him as his last priority, why should my son lose out on having a father?
 
When my son looks up at my dh and says good night daddy, my husband isn't going to turn around and say don't call me that, sorry that can be harmful to the child.'
 
 
This website and forum are for establishing and maintaining the relationships that children have with their separated parents.  Throughout this entire thread, you have denegrated the father-child relationship and seem to want to shout anyone down who disagrees with you.  All the BS that you 'claim' are the faults of the father are just a smokescreen to hide the deep hatred you have for him.  Do you realize that any negative message about the father, either outright or covert, that you are sending to your child is basically telling him that half of him is damaged?  Wonderful message you are sending your child.....
 
Just remember this....you might want to point some of that anger back at yourself, since YOU were the one who chose to have a child with this guy.  Back in the day, they say a dime between the knees was a good cure for that, but I guess that tidbit is too little, too late.....
 
There are many links to enormous amounts of information on this website and you can find ample amounts dealing with PAS.  If you took the time to read any of it (which I seriously doubt you will), you would find that you are showing MANY of the characteristics of perpetrating the syndrome.  Congratulations.......

So, let me ask this:   WHY ARE YOU HERE??????  When your son learned to talk, he heard others calling your DH 'Dad' and YOU AND YOUR DH failed to correct him from Day 1...that's called lying by omission.  And yes, you CAN reteach your child regarding who's Dad and who isn't and take into consideration the child's feelings at the same time...it's called maturity, compassion, and tact....try it some time.
 
You are so hung up on your hatred of the father that you will use any excuse you can come up with to justify fueling the fire of your anger.  Well, here's a new message:
 
TAKE IT SOME PLACE ELSE!
 
All you are trying to attempt here is to shout anyone down who disagrees with you....and that would be ALL OF US.  Take your campaign of denegration to some custodial mother's website....I'm sure they would all agree with you and give you the balm you apparently need to prove your point.
 
Then come back here in about 20 years and let us know just how screwed up your child is, how much therapy you've had to obtain for him (if you even bother), and how warped his sense of family and what a father and mother turns out to be.  We'll be all ears..........
 
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: tigger on Jul 27, 2011, 09:39:47 PM
I thought this topic was closed . . . someone's thriving on the controversy.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 28, 2011, 02:38:42 AM
Actually I don't hate him, as a person, do I think he is a good father, hell no, my son is not screwed up, the only thing that could potentially screw him up is when he gets older he is going to wonder why he wasn't important enough to his father, and why his father didn't come see him. His father can explain how clubbing and partying was more important, the father is the one that needs a good therapy session I think he would benefit from it.
 
Honestly if the roles were reversed and I was being a crappy mother, I think you guys would be jumping down my throat saying I was a bad mother, honestly you guys are the one's with the problem, don't TELL me what my son is going to need, or how he is going to turn out, I love how you think what you say is right well honestly pull your heads out of your butts you don't know my son you don't know how he acts, like I said just because you have an opinion doesn't mean its right. Everyone has their own opinion its what makes the world go round.
 
 
Honestly you all are self centered and think your right, lol well lets face it stop giveing yourselves a huge ego boosts, you guys are not right, every child and situation is different.
 
 
 

'What part of he has money to take his son places, he chooses to spend it on themselves, sorry but I get bad mouthed for my son calling his sp daddy. But yet nobody is pointing out how selfish he is by not putting his child first, like I said he makes PLENTY of money but chooses to go out clubbing with it, maybe the loser should put some money aside for his visitation. You know I can only do so much as parent, I cannot afford to give him money to take out his son, maybe he should take him to the park or something, or maybe go to his sisters house with my son, since she does live about 10-15 minutes from my house.

Even if I could drive I would not help out with transportation like I said he CHOSE to move away, even if I didn't have a license and I was the one who moved I would find a way to go bring my son to bio dad for his visits. A lawyer that I have talked to said the parent that decides to relocate is responsible for the transportation. So I am not obligated to drive him, bio dad expects ALOT. If I was the ncp who relocated I would NOT expect bio dad to cater to me and transport my child. At some point ladies whether you like to realize it or not, you need to hold these men accountable and let them take responsibility, its nobody's job to do the ncp's job as a parent. Bio dad tried taking me to court asking the judge to have him have visitation in my home, the judge told him no and that its NOT my responsibility and that if he wants to take him that it is his visitation so he must find something to do with him during that time. Sorry But you know what I think I am going to respect the judge and listen to what he ordered.

Actually I am not PAS'SING my son, maybe if bio dad didn't chose to be absent most of the time, my son would recognize his father as his dad, if he actually showed up and bonded with him. I don't see how its a slap in the face, maybe being a crappy parent is acceptable to you people but its not to me, bio dad is slapping himself in the face, nobody is preventing him from having a relationship with his son, nobody is holding his son away from him. Nobody is going to cater to bio dad, bio dad isn't going to come into my home and dictate that my husband cannot be in his own home, sorry but that just doesn't fly with me, my husband pays for the house, pays the bills, he can be home whenever he wants.

And I don't care what you expect me to do, honestly I don't care what people on the internets opinion is of me, sorry thats not the worry of my day worrying about what internet people think of me, lol I have better things to do in life.

Bio dad is selfish, doesn't care about his son, has done CRAP for his son but yet he should be called dad nope not happening, my son can call whoever he wants dad. Obviously he calls my husband dad becaus my husband has filled the dad role, and has been a dad, when bio dad hasn't been a dad. I left bio dad he didn't leave me, I left him because he didn't want the responsibility of being a dad, he was immature and wasn't ready to be a parent.'

'I never made my son call my husband dad so stop assuming things that you don't know anything about, my husband is the one who does father son activities with him, and goes to school functions and everything, have I given bio dad the option to attend these things? absolutely. Does he show up? nope, he would rather be out partying and with his friends thats his top priority, my son doesn't deserve a father who puts him as his last priority, why should my son lose out on having a father?

When my son looks up at my dh and says good night daddy, my husband isn't going to turn around and say don't call me that, sorry that can be harmful to the child.'


This website and forum are for establishing and maintaining the relationships that children have with their separated parents.  Throughout this entire thread, you have denegrated the father-child relationship and seem to want to shout anyone down who disagrees with you.  All the BS that you 'claim' are the faults of the father are just a smokescreen to hide the deep hatred you have for him.  Do you realize that any negative message about the father, either outright or covert, that you are sending to your child is basically telling him that half of him is damaged?  Wonderful message you are sending your child.....

Just remember this....you might want to point some of that anger back at yourself, since YOU were the one who chose to have a child with this guy.  Back in the day, they say a dime between the knees was a good cure for that, but I guess that tidbit is too little, too late.....

There are many links to enormous amounts of information on this website and you can find ample amounts dealing with PAS.  If you took the time to read any of it (which I seriously doubt you will), you would find that you are showing MANY of the characteristics of perpetrating the syndrome.  Congratulations.......

So, let me ask this:   WHY ARE YOU HERE??????  When your son learned to talk, he heard others calling your DH 'Dad' and YOU AND YOUR DH failed to correct him from Day 1...that's called lying by omission.  And yes, you CAN reteach your child regarding who's Dad and who isn't and take into consideration the child's feelings at the same time...it's called maturity, compassion, and tact....try it some time.

You are so hung up on your hatred of the father that you will use any excuse you can come up with to justify fueling the fire of your anger.  Well, here's a new message:

TAKE IT SOME PLACE ELSE!

All you are trying to attempt here is to shout anyone down who disagrees with you....and that would be ALL OF US.  Take your campaign of denegration to some custodial mother's website....I'm sure they would all agree with you and give you the balm you apparently need to prove your point.

Then come back here in about 20 years and let us know just how screwed up your child is, how much therapy you've had to obtain for him (if you even bother), and how warped his sense of family and what a father and mother turns out to be.  We'll be all ears..........

Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: MixedBag on Jul 28, 2011, 04:34:35 AM
Ya know....he's still DAD.
 
And the fact that your 4 almost 5 year old calls him by his first name is because that's what he hears you call his dad in your home.
 
At that age they "parrot" what you say, it's not out of love, it's not because they want to gain your love, it's because of what they hear.
 
this thread was about what to call step-parents and morphed into the fact that you allow your son, who is also DAD's son, to call him by a first name.
 
GET Divorce Poison.
 
If there was a way to send a copy to you, I would.
 
 
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 29, 2011, 05:30:09 AM
The point I am trying to make, he doesn't deserve the title of dad, he doesn't even care about his son, if he cannot even return his sons calls, when my son calls him, is that really a father that cares about their child?
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: tigger on Jul 29, 2011, 07:05:17 AM
Ya know....he's still DAD.

And the fact that your 4 almost 5 year old calls him by his first name is because that's what he hears you call his dad in your home.

At that age they "parrot" what you say, it's not out of love, it's not because they want to gain your love, it's because of what they hear.


It also implies that she's referring to stepdad as "daddy", otherwise the child would call the stepdad by his first name.

Some parents use the excuse of other children in the house as the reason for the kids needing to call the stepparent by a parental title.  That's hogwash.  My little brother and sister had no problems knowing that SM was "mommy" while my brother and I continued to call her by her first name.  And we grew up in the same house so it wasn't like we were there just on the weekends.  We were there daily.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: ocean on Jul 29, 2011, 07:10:33 AM
Unfortunately when any child is born they automatically have a mom and dad. There is no test, pre-requisite in order to be called mom or dad.

Your husband is filling in where dad is not stepping up to the plate. My father and brother did that for my girls -went to father daughter dance at school, stuff like that but they did not start calling them "dad".

Some of us have children calling their step-dad, dad BUT they always have their bio dad as "dad" too. The issue in your case is the child did not make that decision as an infant, you did. A toddler did not come up with dad on his own especially when he has not heard the word dad before. How you dealt with him calling his father his first name as a toddler was YOUR choice and he should of been told he was his father/dad when he showed up or in pictures.
Since your son was a baby when this all happened, he did not know anything else or what a "dad" was.

Dad sounds like he has issues and making poor choices but he is dad. He has some road blocks (distance from you, money, ...) and the best thing for your son is for all the adults in his life to work it out. He is still young. You have a LONG way to go.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Kitty C. on Jul 29, 2011, 07:17:29 AM
You still haven't figured it out, have you?  It is NOT up to you to decide whether he is deserving of the title.  YOU are not the one with sole control over the situation. YOU don't get to make all the decisions regarding your son.  Since you've gone through the courts regarding custody, it is now a team effort between the courts, you, and the father.

Just as I thought...it's nothing but a control issue with you...just like you won't back away from this thread until you get in the last word regardless of what anyone says..........
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: tigger on Jul 29, 2011, 07:19:29 AM
The point I am trying to make, he doesn't deserve the title of dad, he doesn't even care about his son, if he cannot even return his sons calls, when my son calls him, is that really a father that cares about their child?

My dad doesn't always return my phone calls but I know without a doubt that he cares and if I were in trouble, he'd drop everything for me.  Your ex is navigating a difficult situation.  Which brings up another point.  He's YOUR ex, not your son's. 

I call both my birth mother and stepmother by their first names.  My BM left when I was 3 and completely disappeared (with the exception of the ocasion running into her at my grandparents at Christmas) when I was 8.  My last clear memory of visiting with her was when I sustained a head injury when she had me out of town (dropped me off at her parents' and then came back to return me to my dad's after I had gotten hurt).  She refused to take me to the ER because I wasn't her financial responsibility and instead she and her husband drove me 1.5 hours back to my dad's.  My dad took me to the ER for treatment (stitches).  Even after all of that, it wasn't until I was an adult and had dinner with her when I was 18 that I opted to call her by her first name.  She regrets her decisions.  I've given her a second chance (actually, more like fourth because she kept dropping out of sight when it would be become clear that I wasn't going to be the long lost daughter she had hoped for.  She finally accepted that while I don't hate her, we don't have that impenetrable mother-daughter bond that most have and I'm closer with my aunts (her sister, my dad's sisters and my SM sister) than I am with her.  She has tried her best to get me to call her by a pet name that my youngest cousin gave her years ago but even that's too intimate for our connection.  Even in that situation where there was clear abandonment my dad NEVER even suggested that I should call her by her first name or call my SM "mom". 

At that young of an age, your child isn't making a decision, he's following someone's lead.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: fight4him on Jul 29, 2011, 08:03:43 AM
So dad is a crappy dad...he is STILL dad. He always will be.  Even abused children love their parents. I don't know why, but they do. So rest assured, your son loves this man. Your son calls stepdad  "dad" because YOU and more than likely he, have always called him daddy. Children don't just start calling random men daddy. They call men that when they are told that is your daddy. You aren't really giving this man a chance to be a good daddy. I can only imagine how you talk to him and about him. I don't blame him for not wanting to come around really. But I do agree he should step up to the plate. But you have to give him that opportunity, and you clearly aren't. One post you talk about how never brings things back and you had to spend 200 on clothes to replace what he ruined or lost. That is alot of clothes. He must have had him more than you are saying to waste that much. Or maybe you sent that much with him for one night and he tossed it all? Not likely.  Then the next post you are saying he never sees him.

We will never know the true story with you. Even if dad (the real one) came on here and defended himself we would never get the true details. BUT we do recognize someone who is trying their best to alienate the other parent, and we have no sympathy for those who do that. You have NO idea what you are doing to your son. I'm sure he seems fine to you, but rest assured, this is going to cause him problems. And when he grows up and realizes dad is not the bad guy, he IS going to blame you.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Kitty C. on Jul 29, 2011, 08:06:30 AM
VERY eloquently put, tigger..........
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: twistedtmama on Jul 29, 2011, 08:57:01 AM
You say I don't know whats best for my son, I love how people on the internet know whats good for my child, I have tried to work tt out with bio dad, and he doesn't have money issues he makes 500 dollars a week, thats far from lacking in money, I have tried my best to make him see his son, if I have no car and license theres not much I can do, he is able to take him whenever he wants I told him just give me a call he never does, so its not my problem, also no my son does not love him don't tell me what my son does and does not do you don't know him, so really honestly if your ex's are passing your kids you deserve it because all you are, are know it alls when you know crap.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: tigger on Jul 29, 2011, 09:14:17 AM
he doesn't have money issues he makes 500 dollars a week, thats far from lacking in money,

$500/wk around here is nothing.  A one bedroom apt is $800.  That would leave him $1200 for CS, gas, car payment, food, electricity, water, and other bills.  That IS having money issues. 

And I'm done with this thread.  You asked a question and we answered.  You didn't get the answer you wanted and decided to argue us out of our answers.  Collectively, we have well over 100 years of experience with divorce/separation/children's relationships with NCP's and this is compared to your experience of MAYBE 5 years.  With age and experience comes wisdom . . . only a fool rejects wisdom . . .
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Kitty C. on Jul 29, 2011, 09:53:05 AM
I second that, tigger.................

But you better wait to respond until everyone has given their last comment, twisted..............so you can be sure to get the last word in............
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: MixedBag on Jul 29, 2011, 11:57:35 AM
wash, rinse, repeat.
 
So he's a crappy dad, he's still DAD, and nothing else.
 
USE all the adjectives you want, he's still dad.
 
 
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: texasstepmom on Jul 29, 2011, 12:26:09 PM
any man can be a father but it takes a real man to be a dad. i have two ss that both call me mom. they are both teenagers and i have never told them that is what they need to call me. i started out being called by my first name and yet they both have chosen to call me mom because that is what they see me as. i think thiat everyone has blown this thread out of perportion. were all entitled to our opinions and thats all any of us give each other.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: ocean on Jul 29, 2011, 12:41:43 PM
texas- your situation is not the same, your skids grew up calling by first name then you "earned" being called mom due to your situation. My girls call my DH by his first name and now close to 5 years, they will say "my parents" depending on who they talk to. Their father is NO where around so again different situation.

This poster had her infant/toddler calling bio dad by first name since the time he can talk. If he was around enough to have him say a name it should of been dad or your father. (and slowly explained to him as he grows up he has two "dad"'s a dad and step-dad who we call XX.

I teach in the schools and many kids in my class come from all sorts of family situations. When holidays come up, I try and accommodate each child's situation. Some have to make two projects so they have a gift for their mom and step-mom. Same thing at fathers day, Christmas, Hannukkah, etc...
Her son just needs to understand the dynamics of his family so he is not confused.

If you look at the other forum, this poster is asking about mediation, the father is taking her to mediation so he is trying to be involved...or at least acting that way...
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: MixedBag on Jul 29, 2011, 02:08:02 PM
Bingo!  not the same....sooooo not the same
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Waylon on Jul 29, 2011, 03:31:50 PM
No I cannot atleast agree to this, I am not going to agree to something I don't agree with just to pacify you, everyone is entitled to there own opinion. Now I am tired of discussing this topic, so topic closed.

You're the problem here as much as the other parent may be.
If you can't bring yourself to be honest enough to see this, then I'd say you've got problems no message board can fix.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: bndmommaostepmomma on Aug 29, 2011, 10:48:17 PM
I am a custodial step-mom, meaning that my stepdaughter lives here full time.  O has been with us for almost 9 years with very little contact from her mother.

She calls me by my given name, or Lola, or Momo (the little lemur dude from Avatar).  Lola is a name that O gave me when I commented that I wanted technicolor hair like Lola Las Vegas on Hannah Montana.  Then, O had some mental issues and used Lola as her name on some unauthorized internet accounts.  I have always loved the Momo, and all 3 kiddos know it, so it was fairly easy to move over to me being Momo.  My youngest bio sometimes refers to me as Momo and it makes me giggly.

Her mother has all but abandoned her, but I still think how I would feel if my bio kids were to call another woman "Mom."

O understands (at age 15.5) that she has a biological mom who has mental issues.  She knows that I have been here for the past 9 years and that I am going nowhere.  I fully intend to remain a part of her life forever.  I do pray that her momma figures out how to get help and eventually will contact O.  I admit that I don't hold my breath, but maybe someday she will make contact.

I love O as if she were my own.  We (hubby and I, and all of the kids) don't use the words "half" or "step".  We are a family, and love each other and do things together.  Hubby and I have 2 sons together, aged 8 and 6.  They know that their sister has a different mom, but they also know that they have the same dad, and that alone makes them brothers and sister.

It's really strange, b/c if I had answered this 7 or 8 years ago, it'd be a different answer completely.  My family is different, and non-traditional, but I wouldn't change a whole lot if I were paid in cash.  ;)
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: ladiva23 on Aug 30, 2011, 12:37:42 PM
I respect the place that OP is posting from - I really get the frustration thing, I do - but if the child is under 5:

1) Husband/Wife or Girlfriend/Boyfriend really shouldn't be called "dad" or "mom" unless the bio-parent hasn't been in their life AND
2) It is regularly addressed who their biological parent really is.

To a certain extent, I agree with posters who say a child under age five would be mimicking the words mommy and daddy, but we have to realize that every situation is different.

With my now almost 8 year old SD, I overheard her telling her 11 year old cousin that she doesn't get mad if people think I'm her mother or mix up the two moms.  The cousin said "but she's not your mom, though." and SD said "Yeah, but she does everything my mom does." 1) I'm touched that she was defending me and 2) I think we really need to see the situation from a child's eyes.  If the child is old enough to express a continued desire to call two dads "dad" or two moms "mom".  Then why not? Aren't we only suppressing their need to be consistently affirmed where they stand?

I read a lot of posts on here to help me get through my situation, and I see the same recurring theme; the children are initiating SURVIVAL mode when with either parent! One poster wrote that her SD/SS - I don't remember - said "Now you can call me my real nickname, I just didn't want my mom to get mad."  My SD actually LIED to her mother last night on the telephone and said "I tried to call you, but I called your old cell phone number because I thought it was working."  BM must have told her "You know my new cell by heart" because SD said "Yeah,  but I forgot that I knew it."  I look at my SD afterwards and I asked her about why did she tell that story to her mom, when every Monday, Wednesday and Friday I have to force her to have a minute long conversation with her biomom. BM: I miss you. SD: Me too.  BM: What did you do today? SD: Played in the park, watched a movie on TV, went on a boat ride. BM: Oh I'm glad you had fun, where's your sister? End of conversation.

SD at 7 1/2 PURPOSELY tried to switch up the conversation to make it more interesting to her mother, so her mother could show more of an interest in her.  How do I know? I used to do the same thing with my step-dad (whom I called Daddy) who I felt paid more attention to my siblings than me.  So to SURVIVE emotionally, I used to do all sorts of things to get his attention.  I see the same behavior being exhibited by my SD with her BIOLOGICAL Primary Big Fat Head Mother.  ( I only wrote that because I've been trying to figure out what PBFH stands for, and I figure that's about a good a guess as I'll ever come up with)

My name is phonetically a repetition of one syllable (example) LeeLee. Its easy for kids to say.  However both skids call me "mom" from time to time and at first it really bothered me. I was like we already have enough problems with this lady, this is the last thing I need.  So after correcting the child who at this point has a tear-stained face,  "I'm LeeLee" your mom is who you should be calling mommy"... I just let it go. Let them be who they are. No one over here is even suggesting that is what they call me, I'm called by my first name by everybody.

To whomever said "stepparents shouldn't be called anything" well that's nice.  I'm wondering if you do feel steps should be called something like au pair or babysitter or "roommate" as BM in my situo has so nicely called me. Even though I am legally married to her ex. She is so nice.  It is okay if she comes to me directly to pay for $400+ birthday parties, school uniforms, ballet classes etc, then I am a great stepmom and she's telling me in front of the kids "Listen to LeeLee, otherwise you guys are gonna be in big trouble." but when she is not getting her way, or if she didn't get any from the latest lover or vibrator the night before its "tell that b* if she wants to put braids in someone's hair to have her own f* kids."  Such nice adjectives when speaking about your children.

To wrap it all up, I can only speak on children who have a deficiency in their mother or father figure.  I highly doubt that if a mother or father was doing the right things by their child/children would their child even fix their lips to call another person "Mommy or Daddy".

I also highly doubt that if EACH set of parents, whether bios or steps were doing all the right things by their children and not their emotions, then this board wouldn't even be in existence.


--Love,
Ms. D
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: ladiva23 on Aug 30, 2011, 01:06:20 PM
OH! And I'm not jumping on the bandwagon of OP.

I think OP is just dead wrong for not following steps 1 and 2 in my post.. but as you say.  That is just my opinion!

I'm just answering the question of what stepparents should be called.

Thanks!
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Kitty C. on Aug 30, 2011, 02:02:29 PM
Depending on the gender...........
 
PBFH:  Psycho Bitch/Bastard From Hell
 
 
It's always been my favorite!
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: tigger on Aug 30, 2011, 03:18:06 PM
To wrap it all up, I can only speak on children who have a deficiency in their mother or father figure.  I highly doubt that if a mother or father was doing the right things by their child/children would their child even fix their lips to call another person "Mommy or Daddy".

You're dead wrong on that point.  My kids were forced and manipulated into calling the stepmom "mom".  There are no deficiencies on my part as their mother.  What do they call the stepmom now?  Nothing.  They don't call her by her first name or anything else.  My youngest son refers to her as his  brother's mom.  (Technically, his stepbrother but I encouraged them to see their stepbrother and halfsister as brother and sister.)
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: ladiva23 on Aug 30, 2011, 05:12:34 PM
@Kitty: Thank you so much, and here I was thinking I was clever LMAO!!!!!!!!!  That just goes to show you my spirit.  I used to be at the point where I would have loved to sit down and talk with her... but I'm over it.

@tigger:

I'm not dead wrong. I specifically said "I can only speak on children who have a deficiency." Meaning, I can only speak on children who HAVE a deficiency.  If your children do not have a deficiency, then this does not apply to you or to your children

I also said "we have to realize that every situation is different" - Obviously, yours is because the stepmother was the antagonist. (http://deltabravo.net/forum/smileys/YahooIM/15.gif) 

I also said I also "highly doubt that if EACH set of parents, whether bios or steps were doing all the right things by their children and not their emotions."  - According to you, the stepmother involved with your child was a ruffian and it backfired on her.  Your children,  now that they are older, really have no connection with her, because she tried to disconnect them from you.  The same way any child will have no connection with a bioparent who tries to disconnect the children from the other bio-parent or new family unit.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: Lady Tremaine on Nov 25, 2011, 04:01:02 AM
I understand that this is an old post butttttt I figured I'd throw my .02 in here.

A little under a year ago I got a fb message from my sd asking if she could call me mom. I left it alone & never answered until I saw her in person. I told her that she has a mom & that the mom/dad titles are pretty important & that her mom might get upset if she called me mom. Ocassionally she'll slip. I still answer, but move on like it's no big deal. One day my son was driving me nuts with the mom,mom,mom,mom thing & I said, "THAT'S IT! I'm no longer answering to MOM, it's now Jose'!" My sd picked up quickly & said, "Ok mama Jose'" She jokingly put it on her fb that I was now mama Jose' & of course her mom flipped sending her messages saying, "Love your 1 & only MOM!" It was a joke. I never expected her to put Mama in front of Jose. Not at all. She did it on her own. I can see her mom being upset, but it was once. It wasn't a bunch of times.

With MY 3 kids, they call my fiance' dad. We tried in VAIN to curb this. They would say "dad" we would say, "No this is *insert his name*" Then it became, "Well when can we call him dad?" I said, "Maybe after we get married." Knowing that we wouldn't be getting married any time soon AT ALL! (we both have massively cold feet) It took over 6 months of battling & finally we gave up. I sat all 3 down (aged 9-4) and asked them why they wouldn't call him by his real name. They had a list of reasons why. "Mom, he comes to all of our stuff for school!", "He spends time with us.", The boy said, "He plays out in the yard with me & lets me help him work on whatever he's doing!", "He reads to us.", "He is good to us.", "He helps me go out to play in the snow!", "He loves us mom.", This went on for about 5 minutes between the 2 of them. I gave up. They won. They had their point of what a 'dad' was supposed to be & do.

As far as their real dad goes, they call him dad, they call my honey daddy. If they're talking about both they'll put their names in front of each other. My ex husband's wife is furious & every time they go over there, she has a new name for them to call her. They hate being forced to call her anything. Well, the oldest wants to call her a witch. I said, "NO, you still have to respect her." They begrudgingly do so.

So for my sd it's my name, unless she comes up with a joke.
For my kids & my honey, it's daddy
For my kids & their step mom it's her name (although they have other names that they call her when not in her presence)
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: littlefoot09 on Jul 12, 2012, 09:41:53 PM
I allow My step daughter to choose and i think it should be left up to the child not to the parents or step parents or any one else except the child
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: tigger on Jul 13, 2012, 10:19:33 AM
I allow My step daughter to choose and i think it should be left up to the child not to the parents or step parents or any one else except the child

A child needs to be guided and that guidance should be provided by the parents.
Title: Re: what are step parents called?
Post by: ocean on Jul 13, 2012, 10:59:07 AM
I agree, in many cases the step children are introduced when they are young and the parent needs to be the one to set the tone. If both bio parents are in the picture then mom and dad should be for them. Every situation is different and whatever works for your family as long as everyone is okay with it.