Messages

Here is the beautiful boy!   Congrats to Lucky and her DD!!!!  :)



[img src=http://www.deltabravo.net/dc/pics/Avery013a.jpg]




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dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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Live, Love, and Laugh
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I

I can try to post the pic if you like....

What a wonderful opportunity for you and A!!!!

Congrats!!!!!

:D

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dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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Live, Love, and Laugh
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I

My DH's ex had a period of instability like this too.  Not nearly to the extent that your ex's wife is doing to you and your DH though.

It seems to me that you have done everything you can to deter her on your own.   I agree with the other posters about making sure that your HR Dept, your supervisor, your DH's HR Dept, your DH's supervisor are all aware of the situation.  If anything, this lets them know that you are being proactive with it - show them the emails and how you've attempted to deter her from contacting you at work.   Explain that you're trying to keep things out of court and why - because they may very well tell you to get a TRO and you post that you would rather not do that.  Just be clear to them that you are focused on your job and that you are not in any way encouraging or engaging her.  

If her emails are slanderous, and you bring your employers aware of it, they may want to investigate further.  With you posting that your DH does not even have access to what she is talking about, by you bringing it to their attention first, it would hopefully take away the option of them letting him go.

What is it that she wants?  

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dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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Live, Love, and Laugh
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I

You're strong and there are all sorts of things for you to do!  I have no doubt that things will only continue to go up for you.

You've got people to lean on - don't forget that, ok?

:)

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dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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Live, Love, and Laugh
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I

Just caught your updated signature line....

Thinking of you.  If you need to chat, you know how to get ahold of me.

(((Hugs)))

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dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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Live, Love, and Laugh
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I

Week two is getting ready to start.  Things still going okay?  Everyone staying healthy and kids are adjusted with before/after care?

Prayers continuing for y'all.....

((((HUGS))))

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dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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Live, Love, and Laugh
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I

The beauty of this site and the community of people here is that there is support no matter what stage of the game you find yourself.

Your insight may very well be useful to someone else and most assuredly when you find yourself overwhelmed or needing shoulder....I don't know of too many other places to find genuine caring people than here.

So, stay out here with us!  
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dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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Live, Love, and Laugh
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I

I'm so glad for you and your family!  Things have a way of settling themselves out.....

National Guard....yikes, but at the same time - exciting, huh?

Good luck!!!!

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dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
------------------
Live, Love, and Laugh
------------------
I

And I can relate.  I read some into what you posted here and forgive me for not knowing the specifics of your situation.  Here's what I read though:

1.  Your SD's mom is against her having a relationship with you
2.  Your SD feels she has to please her mom at all costs

What this spells for you is that you become the safe-guard for your SD.  I'm guessing that down deep she knows that you are there for her and that you care for her.  She probably also cares for you.  HOWEVER, the natural inclination of a child to please its parent and to be wanted and loved by its parent is greater than that of the child to treat an inferior person with respect, common courtesy, etc.  

My advice to you is to just have a heart-to-heart with your SD.  Tell her that you are aware that she is lying, over-exaggerating, etc when it comes to relaying information to her mom about you.  Tell her that you are aware that she is conflicted and feels pulled in several directions with respect to how she connects with people.

Don't accuse her mom of anything - heck, don't even bring her mom's name up in the conversation.  Doing so will put your SD on the defensive right quick and you'll lose the intent of your conversation.

Explain to her that you care for her, but that you cannot allow her to misuse you.  And that the door is always open for her to come and talk to you.

Then, realize for yourself that some of this behavior is manipulative to take the heat off of herself - if she and her mom are arguing, it's easy to push the dad/stepmom button with her mom and get herself out of the hot seat.  What you and your DH need to do when her mom calls and is ranting about something that SD says happened in your house - adopt the 'my house, my rules; your house, your rules' methodology.  If you didn't directly see something happen, and especially if it is not within your regular time with her - let it go and let her mom handle things.  And tell her mom that - "I'm sorry you and SD are having a difficult time.  I'm sure you'll figure out the best way to handle it."  And then HANG UP.  Don't offer suggestion, don't say 'boy, wait til SD gets home from this one......'   Because you don't know how much twisting her own mother is doing of what is happening.

Now, also realize that some of this behavior is survival for herself.  Like with the IMing......how do you think her mom would have reacted if when she was asked who she has been chatting with for the last 1/2 hour - if she had said 'Oh, just Ref'?  I'd bet $100 that her mom would have blown a gasket and gone off about how Ref is not a part of her family.....blah blah blah.  So to spare herself - and not anticipating that her mom would call - she says she was chatting with her dad.

Yes, let your SD know that it is unacceptable to lie, and that she should feel strong enough to tell the truth no matter what is going on.  But - be willing to understand that she may not be able to stand up for herself yet with her mom.

My SD is 17 and still doesn't always have the gumption or confidence to stand up and call her mom on the lies that she is told.  Every once in awhile though.......she does.  And I have to admit that I smile a little smile to myself and think 'maybe she's starting to get it.'


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dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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Live, Love, and Laugh

Good for you!!!!  And for your DH for listening to you!!!  :)

Truly, the arrangements that need to be made in order for kids to go back and forth are not always going to be win-win for all parties.  Someone ultimately is needing to use some vacation time, go without pay, etc.

I would just keep things short, simple and to the point - don't indulge or engage her when she starts spewing.....use it as an opportunity to reflect on how sad her life truly is.  *evil grin*  

Have a good holiday!

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dsm - 36; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
------------------
Live, Love, and Laugh