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Author Topic: Son wants to stay with dad after argument....  (Read 8566 times)

rini

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Son wants to stay with dad after argument....
« on: Jan 23, 2004, 03:28:45 AM »
hello everyone

i really need some imput here on this one.  after spending years on my current husbands custody case now it looks like i get to spend the next few months on my own case.

I have had quite a few medical problems and after much postponement i finally agreed to a much needed hysterectomy performed with a large degree of reconstructive surgery on my nether regions due to carrying 6 children.  

This is my 3rd major surgery in 2 1/2 years and i have been a sahm for the last almost 3 years since i got hurt very badly when i was almost 7n months pregnant.  

I made arrangements and had my current husband and my oldest son supervising the 12, 14 and almost 15 yr old while i spent 4 days in the hospital. The younger ones were with my mom and brother..   well while i was in my current husband and my 15 yr old got into a screaming match and dh did smack child in the face.  Right before this happened 12 yr old daughter was found on floor with almost 16 yr old boy over top of her and her clutching a bloody nose (neither of them were in their own perspective rooms where they were told to be cleaning.  i have been begging bio dad to step in with 15 yr old for quite some time now with no results or even any sort of help at all.  15 yr old does nothing he is asked and is generally totally disrespectful to sd not to mention me.

Now i do realize that my husband should not have hit him expecially hard enough to leave a red mark and a small bruise on his cheek bone.
this is however the first and only time that he has allowed himself to act his anger out on the step kids.  Even though my second oldest son basically treats him like dog dooty and always has.  for some reason he blames tom for breaking my ex and i up mean while ex lives with gf he has been with for over 10 yrs (his words to his kids ) we have only been seperated for over 8 LOL.

well son wants to stay with dad and sm now and refuses to come home.

i have full legal custody his dad partial custody with visitation as per my whim..  

SD has agreed to go to counseling  blah blah blah which is more than my ex would ever do to keep the family together.  

my son is milking this and playing it to the hilt.  now he has his dad in his pocket this is the same dad that i cant get to excercise his visitation on any sort of regular basis.

this has been going on for 2 weeks now and cys had an interview with all of  us last week and told us we would hear more in 30 to 60 days.

i have known that my son does not like his sd for quite some time now but i never though that he would make me choose.  that is now what he is asking me to do is basically throw my husband out.

this is not the first time his sd has disciplined him but it is the first time he has done any thing other than a quick tug of the hair or a little
motivational screaming or
taking away all privledges.  sd can be scarry when he screams though..

i dont know what to do or if i should just let it continue.

i am not really concerned for his safety i would like them to do a home visit there and make the bd and sm clean the place though it is disgusting by any ones standards.

his dad works all the time so basically he is just sitting in the house playing video games while the sm lays on the couch and watches tv

things are much quieter and also cleaner here.  one less person but i cant bring myself to just let him go ..

help please???

God Bless
rini


joni

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I'm sorry but....
« Reply #1 on: Jan 23, 2004, 09:59:51 AM »
...honestly I had a hard time reading past this statement that you made in your post:

-------I have full legal custody his dad partial custody with visitation as per my whim.--------

As the center and matriarch of your family and it's extensions, your attitude sets the tone in keeping your family on the straight and narrow.  

Perhaps your "WHIM" attitude and lack of respect, structure, routine and consistency is causing the dysfunction in your family.

You asked for my two cents:

1)  Your current husband should not be touching the children, slapping them or a quick tug of the hair....regardless of the circumstances.

2)  The lack of respect in your household begins with you and your attitude towards your children's father and his girlfriend.  That is why your children are so angry.

3)  Your children should see their father regularly....not on your whim.

You need to take a long hard look at yourself and figure out what you need to do to get your act together.  When you do, it will amaze you at how everything else in your life will begin to fall into place.  You seem to be on the right track or you wouldn't be asking the noncustodial parents on this board for their input.

Good luck.

Indigo Mom

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RE: I don't like the whim thing either, but....
« Reply #2 on: Jan 23, 2004, 10:39:58 AM »
It sure sounds like her home has turned into quite a circus.  6 kids alone would put me in a grave, I can't imagine what the teenager feels like.

Also, with all her medical problems, man...that's hard on a family.  The step father was WAY out of line smacking the boy, as adults we're supposed to be old enough to know that violence solves nothing...not to mention know what it does to the self esteem of a teenager already screwed up from the raging hormones, or whatever the heck it is that makes teenagers weird.  

This kid NEEDS a father figure.  He doesn't quite have it with the step father, as they clearly don't like each other...so maybe living with his dad would do alot of good for him.  

I understand not wanting to "let go"...I'm not even trying to think about all that as mine are still so young...but one day, we ALL have to let go.  Let him go, rini...let him be with his dad while all this crap settles down at your house.  Maybe he'll choose to come home, maybe not.  Let him decide where he wants to be....

Look at it this way, rini...there will be peace in your home, allowing you to recover, and your son will be at peace with his dad.  Nothing wrong with any of this.......

StPaulieGirl

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RE: Son wants to stay with dad after argument....
« Reply #3 on: Jan 23, 2004, 11:34:45 AM »
I took a Human Development class last year, and the professor told us (I was old enough to be most of those kid's mother) that we aren't any good to anyone else unless we take care of ourselves first.  Let your body heal from the surgery, then tackle this problem.  

I don't blame your husband for smacking the kid.  I think that if parents were allowed to discipline our kids like we were disciplined, a lot of these problems wouldn't exist.  I've had an ongoing problem with discipline with my two youngest.  They've been told by their father that they don't have to help me do chores.  They know from school that mommy and daddy can't hit them or make them mind.  My solution is no allowance, no movies, no beach, no nothing.  Hey I'm too busy cleaning up their messes.  My son has had behavioral problems since he was in diapers, but his father would not discipline him, but instead reward him for bad behavior.  He buys the kid cigarettes for pete's sake!

Over Christmas vacation, my 16 yr old teased his 9 yr old sister until she went at him.  I stepped in to break it up and ended up slipping on the bare floor and landed flat on my back.  My oldest girl and son in law were there helping decorate the tree, so they picked me up off the floor.  My back and neck are screwed up again.  You don't need this kind of crap, so maybe you should move your son in with his father permanently.  Your other kids need a safe quiet enviroment.  So do you and your husband.  Your husband has a right to live in his own home without hostility and disrespect.  Your kids have no right to expect you to break up your marriage, because they want to act like brats.  Sorry about that last comment, but that expectation is pretty bratty, imo.

I know how you feel about not wanting to let go.  I'm at the same point.  Even his older sisters told me to dump him and his stuff on daddy's front lawn.  There is a chance for the rest of your kids.  Maybe you and your husband can go to counseling sessions together to address the issue of the kids behavior, and how to counteract it.  If you both stick together and present a united front with a concrete plan, the kids might wake up and see that you aren't playing.  This is for their benefit also.  

You might want to post your question over on the Shrink Rap board.  Good luck Rini, and I hope you have a speedy recovery :-)

Indigo Mom

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RE: Son wants to stay with dad after argument....
« Reply #4 on: Jan 23, 2004, 01:23:39 PM »
-----I don't blame your husband for smacking the kid. I think that if parents were allowed to discipline our kids like we were disciplined, a lot of these problems wouldn't exist. -----

aaaaaaaaah...and the cycle of violence continues to spin.  When will we learn to stop it?

BTW...those of us who did have the holy crap beat out of us by our parents with belts, wooden spoons, etc...well, we're the ones with the dysfunctional children...what does that tell you?


joni

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AMEN sister!!!.....eom
« Reply #5 on: Jan 23, 2004, 01:53:07 PM »
.

VeronicaGia

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Oh give me a freakin' break!
« Reply #6 on: Jan 23, 2004, 02:21:13 PM »
I was spanked as a child (not abused, but spanked) and it taught me several things.  The first thing it taught me is that my parents run the house, not ME!  Now maybe you "got the holy crap" beat out of you, but that is quite different than what we're talking about here.

Rini, you and your husband have the right to run your home.  You are not your children's friends, you are their teachers.  If your son is treating you or your husband in such a disrespectful manner then he deserved to be treated with disrespect in return.  YOU run your home, not those kids!  

Personally, I would not let him go to his fathers to live.  I would tell him that until he learns to respect YOUR household you will not send him off to disrespect someone elses household.  I would not let him play Gameboy, Playstation, whatever.  Heck, if I had to I'd take the TV's and telephones out of the house.  He needs to stop walking all over everyone in the house and you need to be the one to show him how.  You and your ex need to get together on this somehow, no more "on a whim" and figure out what to do with this kid.  He's going to end up in jail or worse, and you'll spend your life wondering what you did wrong.  The fact is he knows what he did is wrong, but until someone drives the point home, he'll refuse to take responsibility for his actions that led to this fight.  If you give in, you'll only be rewarding his bad behavior by giving him what he wants.  There should be no rewards for bad behavior.  Put him in counseling, go to family counseling if you have to, and get help straightening this kid out before our correctional system has to.

BTW, I hope physically you're feeling better.  You do need to get well, but giving into this childs demands will only prolong your illness, as you won't have a moments peace.

I will also ask, what if he finds out it's no better at dads and wants to come back?  Does he get to pick and choose that too ?

Please take care rini, I hope I've been helpful.

Indigo Mom

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RE: Oh give me a freakin' break!
« Reply #7 on: Jan 23, 2004, 03:47:30 PM »
-----Put him in counseling, go to family counseling if you have to, and get help straightening this kid out before our correctional system has to.-----

You think a counselor will smack him across the face?  Or would the counselor put him over his knee to teach him a lesson?  Would he or she use physical force to "tame" this wild child?

Nope.....


Kent

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I totally disagree
« Reply #8 on: Jan 23, 2004, 04:08:47 PM »
When I was a kid, I got spanked at least once a week.
Did I think it was unfair? Hell yes!
Did I deserve it? Hell yes!

And what's the result?
I finished college, I have high morals and values, All people who know me speak highly of me, and my son is always well behaved. And when he's not, usually just a change of tone of my voice will set him straight. If it doesn't, he'll get his spanking. But that happens maybe twice a year.

OK, using a belt, wooden spoon, or who knows what else, I don't agree with that.

But there is a very fine line between respect and fear. Sometimes you create respect, sometimes you create fear.

And cleaning up after the children? Hell no! He gets 2 warnings to clean it up himself, after that, it goes into the dumpster. No replacement.
Life is not fair. Get used to it.

Kent!

Kent

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RE: Oh give me a freakin' break!
« Reply #9 on: Jan 23, 2004, 04:12:54 PM »
No,  a counselor would not do that.

However, a counselor is a neutral party who is trained to hold up a mirror and show him his behavior.

This, in combination with consequences at home (and yes, if it has to be, put him over your knee) will straighten him out, IF it's not too late.

Kent!

Kitty C.

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Same here, Kent........
« Reply #10 on: Jan 23, 2004, 04:22:57 PM »
We actually did have a fanny paddle and I got my backside warmed on 'more than one occasion'.  Of course I thought it wasn't fair then, but I DEFINITELY know now that I certainly deserved it then.

My father was raised in an abusive family and, since this was back in the early 50's, relied on my mother and maternal grandparents so that  he could break that cycle.  I never knew this until just recently from my mom.  I have never known ANY man more fair or honorable and he will always be my hero.  For only having an 8th grade education, he will always be the wisest, kindest man I will ever know.

Those spankings did NOT instill fear or contempt in me, it instilled repect.  It is TOO easy these days to cross that line, I've seen it way too often.  What it takes is a MAJOR amount of self-control on the part of the parent, along with common sense and a level head.  The best rule of thumb is to NEVER discipline in anger.  It's a guarantee that it will be abusive.  When you take emotion out of the equation, it takes on a whole other meaning........
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

nosonew

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OHHH ((((RINI)))))!!!!
« Reply #11 on: Jan 23, 2004, 05:19:59 PM »
I am sooo sorry you are in this position. But, here is my two cents:

I honestly can say that at this age (15) he is sooo unlikely to change until he is like 21 or 22 or older.  UNLESS he gets a reality check, which may just happen if he lives with dad.  I remember alot about your situation from the other boards, and I know IFFFF your ex had WANTEd to exercise visitation, you would have gladly let him, however, that wasn't the case.  You have the situation (this is for those that don't know your hx) where your ex didn't want to see the kids, yet your dh wanted to see his kids and they were with-held.  Right?  And you are a HUGE supporter of Fathers Rights to Custody as well, correct?  You didn't even mention your volunteer sideline job of helping ncp get custody and/or see their children on a regular basis.  

So, that being said:

1.  Although hubby did something he shouldn't have done (in some views), I feel it was appropriate for the situation.  
2.  Let the son know that if he chooses to stay with dad, you will be fine with it, but he is to a) live there one full calendar year b) stay in school and keep grades C or better, c) come see you _____ often.  
3.  When he doesn't have the control over this situation, and sees you saying "fine, live with dad" his tune may change tremendously.  Give him a date to make a final decision, and DON'T beg or cry.
4.  I bet you 5 bucks that within 4 months he will be BEGGING to come back, if not before.
5.  If that happens, make up a set of rules, including "RESPECT" for Sdad, and have him sign it, with date.  Then let him come back home but tell him if he EVER does it again, you will adhere to the one year rule!
6.  Rest, relax and enjoy the peace!

And thank you for all of your past help for me Rini!


StPaulieGirl

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RE: Son wants to stay with dad after argument....
« Reply #12 on: Jan 23, 2004, 06:41:58 PM »
Hey, back in the day you did not argue with an adult.  In fact, if you were into mischief, the neighbors would yell at you.  Things were different back in the day.

Abuse is not correcting an unruly 15 yr old by smacking him across the face.  Abuse is when you correct your 2 yr old for having an "accident" by smacking them across the face.

Wooden spoons, belts, yard sticks, hairbrushes.  My poor mom was so old when I came around, that she just couldn't handle a normally active child.  When I became a teenager, I turned into the devil.  My father backhanded me one day.  I asked for it big time.  He only hit me twice in my life.  Deserved it both times.

I put up with a lot of crap that my parents and grandparents wouldn't have tolerated.  However, there is a belt for those special occasions when my little angels want to test my final limits.

IG, you and I usually get along pretty well.  I'm looking at Rini's situation from a different perspective than you.  Having a problem child can destroy the whole family, not to mention your health.   I ended up in an abusive situation the same way my father did....we're co-dependent.  I don't know if my dad was abused while he was growing up.  I suffered more from psychological rather than physical abuse as a child.

kiddosmom

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RE: OHHH ((((RINI)))))!!!!
« Reply #13 on: Jan 23, 2004, 06:42:42 PM »
Rini, I feel bad for your situation and wish you a speedy recovery :)

One thing to those posting that DH did the right thing,,, spanking is one thing--- hitting a child in the face is another...

kiddosmom

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RE: Son wants to stay with dad after argument....
« Reply #14 on: Jan 23, 2004, 06:45:02 PM »
one thing you are saying here St P,, it was your dad,, was it your stepdad who has no right to touch you and can in fact go to jail?

Davy

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Exactly ... huge difference ... eom
« Reply #15 on: Jan 23, 2004, 07:19:20 PM »
.

StPaulieGirl

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RE: Son wants to stay with dad after argument....
« Reply #16 on: Jan 23, 2004, 07:44:26 PM »
My parents stayed married. I never had step parents, and both my parents are deceased.  I personally feel that if a teenager wants to be beligerent, threatening, disrespectful, then a step parent who lives with the child on a daily basis has the right to discipline the teenager, not to mention defend him/herself.  Teenagers can be tried as adults these days. Lets whoop their asses before it comes to that.

StPaulieGirl

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You don't have room to talk about anyone.Lol, ride em cowboy! eom
« Reply #17 on: Jan 23, 2004, 07:49:34 PM »
Bah!

rini

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RE: To Joni..first post should have read his whim...
« Reply #18 on: Jan 24, 2004, 12:23:40 AM »
hi

but unfortunately im tired stressed and recovering from major surgery that none of these idiots is ever going to let me recover from not to mention not having slept for almost 2 weeks due to the pain and stress and loosing my child that i have raised basically on my own for almost 9 years with only financial support from the dad.

and to be honest just about at my last straw with putting up with my ex husband my current husband and my son.  so oooooooooooppppppppps i made a freaking big mistake there next time i beg for help with something  i will make sure i check my post so i dont get flamed for a minute i thought i was on another board.  (where they treat people like that all the time)  

so what if i did have sole and let the guy see the kid at my whim it still would behoove you not to answer if all you have to say is BS any way.

if you had read the post a little further down it offers a little more to the explanation to the visitation saying that i cant even get him to come and excercise the visitation he has..//  BUT I GUESS YOU MISSED THAT  all bio moms are bad bad bad.................

i asked for support you offered nothing but  well i guess i ll just leave it at that.  

first of all let me say that i realize that you have no idea about my situation like most of the others on this board

i have been here for 3 years and you are fairly new to it

i came here to get help for my current husband to see his 2 kids but i have always been more than fair with my own ex husband even to the point where it is ridiculous.

by whim i mean

dad contacts me the day before and if the kids dont have plans or activities they go to see him.  

he has no set visitation never has due to his job that he works 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

i have allowed this situation to continue only because if i had eo weekend and weekday visits he would cancel every week instead of just canceling 2 out of the 4 days he picks a month.

the kids have never been a priority for him NEVER not when they were little not now not ever.  and i have spent almost 9 years trying to reinforce that daddy still cares even when he cancels his visits when only required to call a day or a few days before more consistently than he actually shows up.

i have even offered to allow him time to find a new job that is more flexible and lower child support to reflect the fact that he has chosen to work a job and see his kids.  he has refused every time i have offered.
He is a hotel manager and enjoys the freedom it ensures him his current gf never knows if he is working or where he is and that is the way he likes it.  


Dad is never there for the kids and never has been he picks them up and takes them to a movie every other week that is all he ever has time for.  I have been responsible for all of the care EVERYTHING for almost 9 years.  I was asked by his gf for help because  my children were being rude to her about 6 years ago and i read them the riot act they have never treated her or HIM for that matter with any disrespect

but then again daddy  only takes them for a fun time occaisionally and has none of the responsibility that goes along with it.



i have never raised the child support not once in almost 9 years.  i dont ask for anything extra not medical not day care when they were younger and i have done everything humanly possible to ensure a fair relationship even though daddy left me for his current gf. and refused any type of counseling or any attempt to save the family.

by the way our support is based on the pa guidelines and i have never increased it even when the guideline amount went up ..  in other words dad does not realize it yet but an adjustment from 3 kids to 2 kids will probably raise his support payments..

My 15 yr old will stay in a filthy house and his dad will still never be there for him not to mention having to transfer to the worst school district in the state.


usually when people ask for help they want help not a response with bitterness and nasty comments but im guessing you were in a bad mood.

not all of us are pbfh as bio moms.........

i am just not willing to jump through any more hoops for my x and if the custody arrrangement gets changed it will all be changed and i guess he will just have to live with seeing the other 2 kids when he can arrange his schedule around the court order like normal nc fathers do.

rini

rini

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RE: LOL well not really but i cant say what im thinking sooo
« Reply #19 on: Jan 24, 2004, 01:10:25 AM »
I posted to you below also

but i guess i was just so totally blown away by your total lack of common decency.........

the only inconsistency in my household is the dad that only shows up when he feels like it.  Other kids are all fine and happy here.  


But of course because i put on my custodial mother hat today instead of the ncp step mom hat I would have to be totally at fault.

You did not have to read between the lines on my initial post you had to just actually read all of it........   I guess you missed the part about us contacting the dad for months and begging for help with the 15 yr old also.

If you reread my initial post you will also notice that it has never been modified and all of the information that you chose to ignore because of a simple typo was already there and that you just chose to act like a total %$#@$!  because i posted as a mom.

I assumed wrongly that for the most part people only got flamed here when they made statements that deliberately asked to be flamed.


my 15 yr old hates his step father and the other kids are doing fine so me thinks some of the problems might have to do with the kid having misplaced anger problems toward the wrong people.

i am home all the time and MY God I leave to go to the freaking hospital and all of a sudden i am disrespectful and oh what else did you call me????? irresponsible.......  because my teenage son beats up his little sister and my husband smacks him after yelling at the kids for almost 4 hours to do something....and then the kid gets confrontationaL  ...... get my act together  what about the dad that son sooooooooo looks up to  .........      

I have prepared picnics for the ex and his gf (THE ONE HE LEFT ME FOR!!!!  by the way so i dont think im the problem...

perhaps part time dad needs to reinforce the respect that we should be recieving instead of allowing boy to get his own way AND REWARDING HIM WITH TREATS AND MOVIES WHEN HE DOES DECIDE TO SEE HIS KIDS WHEN HE CAN FIT IT IN.... but thats a part time parent for you...........  he is a part time parent by choice actually

thank you so very much for your wonderful post.  if i had not already been racking my brain and already blaming myself for coming home from the hospital 2 days early and sobbing 24 hours a day and blaming myself for leaving my kids for a few days to get treatment well i will sure make sure that i take time out and cry some more and blame myself now after your very enlightening spiteful spatter.



a really totally disgusted rini

wendl

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RE: Son wants to stay with dad after argument....
« Reply #20 on: Jan 24, 2004, 01:22:38 AM »
Rini,
I am sorry to hear that you are going thru this, I had problems with my mom growing up and moved in with my father and found out the grass wasnt greener on the other side once I was there (I loved my dad more than anything and ended up living with him however I didnt have a mom that really wanted me)

The only advice I can say is show him you love him no matter what and do what you feel in your heart.

As for someones comment on spanking:
I was spanked with a belt, a hand, a wooden spoon etc, I have never been violent with anyone bla bla bla.  I have once given my son a spaking with all else failed and it wasn't hard he was shocked more than anything.

I have never raised a hand to my stepkids however we all at times whether we admit to it or not whether they are bio or stepkids would like to smack them, its how we control it is what matters, I am sure your dh didn't mean to do it and probably feels bad.

I wish you all the luck and will keep you in our prayers

rini

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RE: To Joni should have been his whim but
« Reply #21 on: Jan 24, 2004, 03:20:11 AM »
perhaps if you had bothered to read further down since you had such a hard time reading past my typo you might have gotten to the part only ((((((((  2)))))))))))  little paragraphs later that stated that i had a hard time getting hime to bother at all with visitations.  Missed that part im guessing?????????????  or one of those people that only see what they expect or want to see so they can disparage the poster.

I do sincerely regret having posted on a site that i have been coming to for 3 years and being responded to with the insulting cutting remarks that were not only uncalled for they were absolutely devastating to someone that has been already hurt and going through the second most horrible experience in my life second only to being molested as a child from the age of 6 to 12 .   thanks so much for encouragement and helpful statements.  
 
but unfortunately im tired stressed and recovering from major surgery that none of these idiots is ever going to let me recover from not to mention not having slept for almost 2 weeks due to the pain and stress and loosing my child that i have raised basically on my own for almost 9 years with only financial support from the dad.

and to be honest just about at my last straw with putting up with my ex husband my current husband and my son. so oooooooooooppppppppps i made a freaking big mistake there next time i beg for help with something i will make sure i check my post so i dont get flamed for a minute i thought i was on another board. (where they treat people like that all the time)

If you had bothered to read further down and read the part about trying to get the dad to comply with visitation how could you possibly think that i was the problem and come off like that .........

...

i asked for support you offered nothing but nasty remarks but well i guess i ll just leave it at that.   but thank you so very much for your (2 cents )  if i was suicidal it just might have pushed me over the edge.l


Honestly i do now realize why this board gets such a bad reputation.......


first of all let me say that i realize that you have no idea about my situation like most of the others on this board

i have been here for 3 years and you are fairly new to it

i came here to get help for my current husband to see his 2 kids but i have always been more than fair with my own ex husband even to the point where it is ridiculous.  bending over not only backwards but doing handsprings for him to see the kids.

by WHIM i mean

dad contacts me the day before occasionally a few days before and if the kids dont have plans or activities they go to see him.   Most of the time they come right back home 7 overnights in the past year.  He or his gf have not washed or bought a stitch of clothing for as long as i can remember.  their motto is if it doesnt smell too bad it is ok to wear.  I make the kids bring the clothes home for me to wash because if i dont i will never see them again.  

he has no set visitation never has due to his job that he works 24 hours a day 7 days a week. ( again his choice)

i have allowed this situation to continue only because if i had  insisted on his complying with eo weekend and a set  weekday visits he would cancel every week instead of just canceling 2 out of the 4 days ( that  he picks a month)  he picks them and still cancels once or twice a month........

the kids have never been a priority for him NEVER not when they were little not now not ever. and i have spent almost 9 years trying to reinforce that daddy still cares even when he cancels his visits when only required to call a day or a few days before more consistently than he actually shows up.

i have even offered to allow him time to find a new job that is more flexible and lower child support to reflect the fact that he has chosen to work a job and see his kids. he has refused every time i have offered.
He is a hotel manager and enjoys the freedom it ensures him his current gf never knows if he is working or where he is and that is the way he likes it.


Dad is never there for the kids and never has been he picks them up and takes them to a movie every other week that is all he ever has time for. I have been responsible for all of the care EVERYTHING for almost 9 years. I was asked by his gf for help because my children were being rude to her about 6 years ago and i read them the riot act they have never treated her or HIM for that matter with any disrespect .  ( my son only treats us badly i suspect because he is acting out because of his dads neglect and apathy..


but then again daddy only takes them for a fun time occaisionally and has none of the responsibility that goes along with it.  He ignores any punishments that the children have and has NO RULES whatsoever... for them.



i have never raised the child support not once in almost 9 years. i dont ask for anything extra not medical not day care when they were younger and i have done everything humanly possible to ensure a fair relationship even though daddy left me for his current gf. and refused any type of counseling or any attempt to save the family.

by the way our support is based on the pa guidelines and i have never increased it even when the guideline amount went up .. in other words dad does not realize it yet but an adjustment from 3 kids to 2 kids will probably raise his support payments..

My 15 yr old will stay in a filthy house and his dad will still never be there for him not to mention having to transfer to the worst school district in the state.


usually when people ask for help they want help not a response with bitterness and nasty comments but im guessing you were in a bad mood.

not all of us are pbfh as bio moms.........

i am just not willing to jump through any more hoops for my x and if the custody arrrangement gets changed it will all be changed and i guess he will just have to live with seeing the other 2 kids when he can arrange his schedule around the court order like normal nc fathers do.

rini







nosonew

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Appology to Rini needed by a couple of posters....
« Reply #22 on: Jan 24, 2004, 08:59:36 AM »
Although a bunch of you newer folks out there don't know Rini, she has been here for a long time and helped me out with some things when she was flat on her back in bed.  

Her post did not deserve the slams she got.  You acted like she purposefully had medical problems, had control of her hospitalization, and stood there holding son so sdad could smack him (which was well deserved by the way).

Whether you believe in corporal punishment or not, that is beside the point here.  The point of this post was, "What should I do?" Not many gave helpful suggestions, as with several posts on these boards lately, people are looking at things (one word, one sentence) that they take as a personal confrontation and rather than help these people with the true issue at hand, they are blasting them away from the very site that could help their children and themselves!

Come on people, clean up your act!

MY PERSONAL OPINION!---Nosonew (aka Katie in chat)

StPaulieGirl

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RE: To Joni..first post should have read his whim...
« Reply #23 on: Jan 24, 2004, 12:22:21 PM »
I did read your whole post, and typos happen.  Don't worry about it.  

I bent over backwards to accomodate my kid's father, until his lies about me resulted in his new wife calling CPS on me.  Christmas he got away with it...because it was Christmas.  I know where you're coming from Rini.  I'm going to start documenting all the missed time, and other issues, because eventually I'm going to have to take the ex back to court regarding the QDRO that never happened.  If he wants to wiggle out of it by his usual tactics, I'm going to be armed because I'm fed up with the whole situation.

You have a right to be fed up.  Being sick on top of it makes things ten times worse.  You have to eliminate the stress in your life, as much as humanly possible.  Your little birdies will fly out of the nest one by one, and don't you want to spend your remaining years with your husband by your side?  

If you and your husband are on the same page, and get some positive help from a decent counselor (there are some real nutballs out there, so watch out), then you can get through this and hopefully help the kids grow in maturity and respect, plus save your marriage.

My 15 yr old will stay in a filthy house and his dad will still never be there for him not to mention having to transfer to the worst school district in the state.

Your 15 yr old apparently doesn't care if their house is filthy, but wait until he gets jumped walking home from school.  He's 15, and thinks he knows it all, so let him enjoy his choices and their consequences.  You might be doing him a favor in the long run.

Once again, wishing you a speedy recovery and a positive solution to your problem :-)

sweetnsad

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Not beat with a belt, but a crack on the butt...
« Reply #24 on: Jan 24, 2004, 03:13:48 PM »
NEVER hurt anyone....sorry, but I got my share of spankings, and guess what???  I respect my parents for it...how many kids out there actually do???  How many kids actually have respect for their parents and their rules???

A spanking doesn't mean a beating...there is a world of difference...you have to discipline your kids, no question about it...the kids nowadays are wild and out of control...that never happened when I was a kid...Gee, I wonder why???

I'm sure I'll be flamed for this...but that's just my opinion...

BTW, I don't agree with slapping your children across the face or anything drastic like that....I think that is abuse.

sweetnsad

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COULDN'T AGREE MORE KENT...
« Reply #25 on: Jan 24, 2004, 04:41:15 PM »
Clap, clap...now THAT'S the response I like....

kiddosmom

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RE: Appology to Rini needed by a couple of posters....
« Reply #26 on: Jan 25, 2004, 05:14:02 PM »
I can honestly say i have not had the pleasure of meeting rini, i did not say anything bad about her, nor attack her. I did in fact wish for her speedy recovery.
Teens are the most unstable humans on the planet, It may be a great idea to send him to daddy, let him start being daddy.


Corporal punishment  btw to me is spankings, in the buttocks area. My g'mother was the one to punish us most of the time, she loved smacking us so hard in the face we landed on the floor. Of course her spankings were worse, we had blood running down our backs, butt, and legs, I would have prefered the spanking though, then noone knew.
I hope things improve enough for this not to be an added stress for you again Rini.

LizaLou1

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RE: Son wants to stay with dad after argument....
« Reply #27 on: Jan 26, 2004, 08:06:06 AM »
Rini,

I read all the posts, take heart and don't give up on the board.  I can't imagine your situation and I will not judge your husband for slapping the 15 year old for beating up a younger sibling (& a girl at that).  Faced with that situation, I might have done the same thing.  The stress of Mom being in the hosptial probably had everyone acting different than normal.  

Based on your comments on visitation, I bet your exhusband and SO get tired of your son soon enough and send him packing.  Just let him know the door home is always open.

Feel Better and Best of Luck,

LizaLou

Davy

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We're about to hear about one of spg's boyfriends private parts....
« Reply #28 on: Jan 26, 2004, 06:52:20 PM »

...just like the recent past !!

There you go again drooling all over yourself while running off at the mouth with totally ridiculous posts that are seriously meaningless with absolutely no value.  It is apparent you have never been held accountable for your mouth or actions !!!  Like everything and anything goes.  This is not an attack.  I hope this helps you and hope that you start taking Dr. D's advice given to you on the shrink board.  It may help if you are able to ween yourself off prozak as well.

Let me try to summarize.  Darling daughter was 5' 2" about 100 pounds.
Bozo 6' 4" and approx 240 pounds.  She woulda, coulda, shoulda knock your teeth right down your throat just like she did the Bozo ... you and he have the same status legally and every other way.  She and her brothers just got tired of getting slapped around.

Oh... and I refused to testify under subpeona at Bozo/Bimbo's parental termination trial.  The court, attys, etc got the message.  Do you ?

Isn't it strange that I, the primary parent and displinarian had absolutely no problems before or after those days except for the deep anger the kids had (and still do) resulting those days.
 

StPaulieGirl

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RE: We're about to hear one of Davy's drunken rants again
« Reply #29 on: Jan 27, 2004, 12:44:29 AM »
Just like most of your posts, you don't proofread or edit.  What the hell is wrong with you?


There you go again drooling all over yourself while running off at the mouth with totally ridiculous posts that are seriously meaningless with absolutely no value. It is apparent you have never been held accountable for your mouth or actions !!! Like everything and anything goes. This is not an attack. I hope this helps you and hope that you start taking Dr. D's advice given to you on the shrink board. It may help if you are able to ween yourself off prozak as well.

Of course it isn't an attack, it's another Davy train moment!  Excuse me while I wipe the drool off my chin.  No comment about my bf.  Btw, he thinks you're an asshole )(  Oh yeah, he read your last attempt to flame me.

Okay, specifically what advice on Shrinkrap are you referring to?   I don't particularly care for Prozac, but I take it to try and regulate my heartbeat.  I thought it was strange that they would perscribe Prozac for a heart problem, but my son in law's father went through serious heart surgery, and he takes it.  I am not weening myself off anything, until the doctor tells me to.  

Let me try to summarize. Darling daughter was 5' 2" about 100 pounds.
[p]Bozo 6' 4" and approx 240 pounds. She woulda, coulda, shoulda knock your teeth right down your throat just like she did the Bozo ... you and he have the same status legally and every other way. She and her brothers just got tired of getting slapped around.

[p]Oh... and I refused to testify under subpeona at Bozo/Bimbo's parental termination trial. The court, attys, etc got the message. Do you ?

[p]Isn't it strange that I, the primary parent and displinarian had absolutely no problems before or after those days except for the deep anger the kids had (and still do) resulting those days.

[p]Sorry dude, you aren't making any sense.    What are you talking about?????  You refused to testify against what?

[p]Just kick back and sip that grape koolaid Davy boy....



Davy

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More of spg's cluelessness, fabrications, etc
« Reply #30 on: Jan 27, 2004, 03:27:07 PM »
Get this : SLAPPING A CHILD OR TEENAGER IN THE FACE IS NOT DISCIPLINE.  A PERSON IS NOT ENTITLED TO HIT SOMEONE"S CHILD SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY EXIST UNDER THE SAME ROOF so before spouting off about whooping ass you really should consider that a teenager or someone else may/will whoop YOUR ass.  

I am not going to continue this thread out of respect for the SPARC mission, other posters and children in general.  I hope you do the same and stop your useless belligerant narrow-minded posts.  

BTW, I don't indulge myself with alcohol but you did post recently about your bf's penus.  If your bf says I'm an asshole that's cool but only because he's thinking with his penus and you won't be that much fun when he sobers up unless you start taking the advice given you.

Good luck !

StPaulieGirl

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RE: Going Off The Rails On The Davy Train....
« Reply #31 on: Jan 27, 2004, 11:35:27 PM »
Get this : SLAPPING A CHILD OR TEENAGER IN THE FACE IS NOT DISCIPLINE. A PERSON IS NOT ENTITLED TO HIT SOMEONE"S CHILD SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY EXIST UNDER THE SAME ROOF so before spouting off about whooping ass you really should consider that a teenager or someone else may/will whoop YOUR ass.

[p]Oh bullshit.  When a teenager steps over the line, the adult in charge has to assert his/herself.  If a good whack across the face works, great!  

[p]My boy has had anger management issues since he was in diapers.  I've been to so many school meetings over the years, I lost count.  I could wallpaper a 3 bedroom split level home with all the paper work he's generated.  The point is that he hit me 2 years ago, and I wiped the floor with him.  Nobody is ever going to hit me again.  Sad way to get your kid's respect.  Except for my son going "spun", I generally get along with everybody.  Unless someone wants my purse or car, I'm not going to have a problem.

I am not going to continue this thread out of respect for the SPARC mission, other posters and children in general. I hope you do the same and stop your useless belligerant narrow-minded posts.

[p]Isn't that basically what you said when you flamed me and it backfired the last time?

BTW, I don't indulge myself with alcohol but you did post recently about your bf's penus. If your bf says I'm an asshole that's cool but only because he's thinking with his penus and you won't be that much fun when he sobers up unless you start taking the advice given you.

[p]Okay, you aren't drunk.  You're on a natural high.  What the heck is a "penus"?  Are your referring to the male sexual organ called a "penis"?  If you have it, you should be able to spell it doggone it!!  Hey remember this? This is my weapon, this is my gun...this one's for pleasure, this one's for fun.

[p]What advice would you give, besides me chaining myself to the stove, and covering myself head to toe in textiles?  My friend and I get along just great.  Btw, my 21 yr old and her bf have known him for 2 years.  They introduced us to each other. Go away Davy....

Indigo Mom

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RE: Good Gawd! You two sound like you're married....
« Reply #32 on: Jan 28, 2004, 09:02:06 AM »
Now kiss 'n make up!  

;)

StPaulieGirl

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Hahahahaha!!!!!!
« Reply #33 on: Jan 28, 2004, 02:29:56 PM »
Eeeew gross!!!

 

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