Son wants to stay with dad after argument....

[rini]

hello everyone

i really need some imput here on this one.  after spending years on my current husbands custody case now it looks like i get to spend the next few months on my own case.

I have had quite a few medical problems and after much postponement i finally agreed to a much needed hysterectomy performed with a large degree of reconstructive surgery on my nether regions due to carrying 6 children.  

This is my 3rd major surgery in 2 1/2 years and i have been a sahm for the last almost 3 years since i got hurt very badly when i was almost 7n months pregnant.  

I made arrangements and had my current husband and my oldest son supervising the 12, 14 and almost 15 yr old while i spent 4 days in the hospital. The younger ones were with my mom and brother..   well while i was in my current husband and my 15 yr old got into a screaming match and dh did smack child in the face.  Right before this happened 12 yr old daughter was found on floor with almost 16 yr old boy over top of her and her clutching a bloody nose (neither of them were in their own perspective rooms where they were told to be cleaning.  i have been begging bio dad to step in with 15 yr old for quite some time now with no results or even any sort of help at all.  15 yr old does nothing he is asked and is generally totally disrespectful to sd not to mention me.

Now i do realize that my husband should not have hit him expecially hard enough to leave a red mark and a small bruise on his cheek bone.
this is however the first and only time that he has allowed himself to act his anger out on the step kids.  Even though my second oldest son basically treats him like dog dooty and always has.  for some reason he blames tom for breaking my ex and i up mean while ex lives with gf he has been with for over 10 yrs (his words to his kids ) we have only been seperated for over 8 LOL.

well son wants to stay with dad and sm now and refuses to come home.

i have full legal custody his dad partial custody with visitation as per my whim..  

SD has agreed to go to counseling  blah blah blah which is more than my ex would ever do to keep the family together.  

my son is milking this and playing it to the hilt.  now he has his dad in his pocket this is the same dad that i cant get to excercise his visitation on any sort of regular basis.

this has been going on for 2 weeks now and cys had an interview with all of  us last week and told us we would hear more in 30 to 60 days.

i have known that my son does not like his sd for quite some time now but i never though that he would make me choose.  that is now what he is asking me to do is basically throw my husband out.

this is not the first time his sd has disciplined him but it is the first time he has done any thing other than a quick tug of the hair or a little
motivational screaming or
taking away all privledges.  sd can be scarry when he screams though..

i dont know what to do or if i should just let it continue.

i am not really concerned for his safety i would like them to do a home visit there and make the bd and sm clean the place though it is disgusting by any ones standards.

his dad works all the time so basically he is just sitting in the house playing video games while the sm lays on the couch and watches tv

things are much quieter and also cleaner here.  one less person but i cant bring myself to just let him go ..

help please???

God Bless
rini

[joni]

...honestly I had a hard time reading past this statement that you made in your post:

-------I have full legal custody his dad partial custody with visitation as per my whim.--------

As the center and matriarch of your family and it's extensions, your attitude sets the tone in keeping your family on the straight and narrow.  

Perhaps your "WHIM" attitude and lack of respect, structure, routine and consistency is causing the dysfunction in your family.

You asked for my two cents:

1)  Your current husband should not be touching the children, slapping them or a quick tug of the hair....regardless of the circumstances.

2)  The lack of respect in your household begins with you and your attitude towards your children's father and his girlfriend.  That is why your children are so angry.

3)  Your children should see their father regularly....not on your whim.

You need to take a long hard look at yourself and figure out what you need to do to get your act together.  When you do, it will amaze you at how everything else in your life will begin to fall into place.  You seem to be on the right track or you wouldn't be asking the noncustodial parents on this board for their input.

Good luck.

[Indigo Mom]

It sure sounds like her home has turned into quite a circus.  6 kids alone would put me in a grave, I can't imagine what the teenager feels like.

Also, with all her medical problems, man...that's hard on a family.  The step father was WAY out of line smacking the boy, as adults we're supposed to be old enough to know that violence solves nothing...not to mention know what it does to the self esteem of a teenager already screwed up from the raging hormones, or whatever the heck it is that makes teenagers weird.  

This kid NEEDS a father figure.  He doesn't quite have it with the step father, as they clearly don't like each other...so maybe living with his dad would do alot of good for him.  

I understand not wanting to "let go"...I'm not even trying to think about all that as mine are still so young...but one day, we ALL have to let go.  Let him go, rini...let him be with his dad while all this crap settles down at your house.  Maybe he'll choose to come home, maybe not.  Let him decide where he wants to be....

Look at it this way, rini...there will be peace in your home, allowing you to recover, and your son will be at peace with his dad.  Nothing wrong with any of this.......

[StPaulieGirl]

I took a Human Development class last year, and the professor told us (I was old enough to be most of those kid's mother) that we aren't any good to anyone else unless we take care of ourselves first.  Let your body heal from the surgery, then tackle this problem.  

I don't blame your husband for smacking the kid.  I think that if parents were allowed to discipline our kids like we were disciplined, a lot of these problems wouldn't exist.  I've had an ongoing problem with discipline with my two youngest.  They've been told by their father that they don't have to help me do chores.  They know from school that mommy and daddy can't hit them or make them mind.  My solution is no allowance, no movies, no beach, no nothing.  Hey I'm too busy cleaning up their messes.  My son has had behavioral problems since he was in diapers, but his father would not discipline him, but instead reward him for bad behavior.  He buys the kid cigarettes for pete's sake!

Over Christmas vacation, my 16 yr old teased his 9 yr old sister until she went at him.  I stepped in to break it up and ended up slipping on the bare floor and landed flat on my back.  My oldest girl and son in law were there helping decorate the tree, so they picked me up off the floor.  My back and neck are screwed up again.  You don't need this kind of crap, so maybe you should move your son in with his father permanently.  Your other kids need a safe quiet enviroment.  So do you and your husband.  Your husband has a right to live in his own home without hostility and disrespect.  Your kids have no right to expect you to break up your marriage, because they want to act like brats.  Sorry about that last comment, but that expectation is pretty bratty, imo.

I know how you feel about not wanting to let go.  I'm at the same point.  Even his older sisters told me to dump him and his stuff on daddy's front lawn.  There is a chance for the rest of your kids.  Maybe you and your husband can go to counseling sessions together to address the issue of the kids behavior, and how to counteract it.  If you both stick together and present a united front with a concrete plan, the kids might wake up and see that you aren't playing.  This is for their benefit also.  

You might want to post your question over on the Shrink Rap board.  Good luck Rini, and I hope you have a speedy recovery :-)

[Indigo Mom]

-----I don't blame your husband for smacking the kid. I think that if parents were allowed to discipline our kids like we were disciplined, a lot of these problems wouldn't exist. -----

aaaaaaaaah...and the cycle of violence continues to spin.  When will we learn to stop it?

BTW...those of us who did have the holy crap beat out of us by our parents with belts, wooden spoons, etc...well, we're the ones with the dysfunctional children...what does that tell you?

[joni]

.

[VeronicaGia]

I was spanked as a child (not abused, but spanked) and it taught me several things.  The first thing it taught me is that my parents run the house, not ME!  Now maybe you "got the holy crap" beat out of you, but that is quite different than what we're talking about here.

Rini, you and your husband have the right to run your home.  You are not your children's friends, you are their teachers.  If your son is treating you or your husband in such a disrespectful manner then he deserved to be treated with disrespect in return.  YOU run your home, not those kids!  

Personally, I would not let him go to his fathers to live.  I would tell him that until he learns to respect YOUR household you will not send him off to disrespect someone elses household.  I would not let him play Gameboy, Playstation, whatever.  Heck, if I had to I'd take the TV's and telephones out of the house.  He needs to stop walking all over everyone in the house and you need to be the one to show him how.  You and your ex need to get together on this somehow, no more "on a whim" and figure out what to do with this kid.  He's going to end up in jail or worse, and you'll spend your life wondering what you did wrong.  The fact is he knows what he did is wrong, but until someone drives the point home, he'll refuse to take responsibility for his actions that led to this fight.  If you give in, you'll only be rewarding his bad behavior by giving him what he wants.  There should be no rewards for bad behavior.  Put him in counseling, go to family counseling if you have to, and get help straightening this kid out before our correctional system has to.

BTW, I hope physically you're feeling better.  You do need to get well, but giving into this childs demands will only prolong your illness, as you won't have a moments peace.

I will also ask, what if he finds out it's no better at dads and wants to come back?  Does he get to pick and choose that too ?

Please take care rini, I hope I've been helpful.

[Indigo Mom]

-----Put him in counseling, go to family counseling if you have to, and get help straightening this kid out before our correctional system has to.-----

You think a counselor will smack him across the face?  Or would the counselor put him over his knee to teach him a lesson?  Would he or she use physical force to "tame" this wild child?

Nope.....

[Kent]

When I was a kid, I got spanked at least once a week.
Did I think it was unfair? Hell yes!
Did I deserve it? Hell yes!

And what's the result?
I finished college, I have high morals and values, All people who know me speak highly of me, and my son is always well behaved. And when he's not, usually just a change of tone of my voice will set him straight. If it doesn't, he'll get his spanking. But that happens maybe twice a year.

OK, using a belt, wooden spoon, or who knows what else, I don't agree with that.

But there is a very fine line between respect and fear. Sometimes you create respect, sometimes you create fear.

And cleaning up after the children? Hell no! He gets 2 warnings to clean it up himself, after that, it goes into the dumpster. No replacement.
Life is not fair. Get used to it.

Kent!

[Kent]

No,  a counselor would not do that.

However, a counselor is a neutral party who is trained to hold up a mirror and show him his behavior.

This, in combination with consequences at home (and yes, if it has to be, put him over your knee) will straighten him out, IF it's not too late.

Kent!