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Author Topic: Ahhh, the holiday's  (Read 8348 times)

gemini3

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Ahhh, the holiday's
« on: Dec 28, 2006, 12:32:46 PM »
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Ref

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That is just plain mean
« Reply #1 on: Dec 28, 2006, 01:28:45 PM »
I will never understand some of the nutty things I hear on this board. I guess the only option is to have Dh talk to BM about it and hope she changes her mind.  Otherwise, keep the toys and tell the kids they will be at your home whenever they want to play with them and that you are perfectly happy for them to take the toys whereever they would like them. (That was BM can't say that you refused to let the kids bring the toys to their house). It is sad, but remember that it wont be the end of the world. You and the kids will be ok. Not to mention, if you act too upset, you will probably be feeding BM.

Best wishes,
Ref

Giggles

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OH how insecure some of these BM's are...m
« Reply #2 on: Dec 28, 2006, 01:29:40 PM »
It's sad for the kids but I wouldn't exactly call it an alienation tactic....perhaps reversed alienation.  It really depends on what BM tells the children...example 1 "You cannot bring the stuff from your Dad's house"  or example 2  "Your Dad said you can't bring the stuff you got from his house".  Example 1 makes her out to be the bad guy and the kids pick up on that.  Example 2 makes Dad the bad guy...and therefore alienation is taking place.

When my X-BF and I were together, whatever we bought his kids stayed at our house cuz that way they had stuff of their own when they came to visit and wouldn't have to shlep a bunch of stuff back and forth.  I especially did this with SD's clothes.  BM would send her in rags so I would buy her clothes but would never see them again if they went to BM's.  I would wash the clothes SD came in and make her wear them back to BM's when she left.
Now I'm living....Just another day in Paradise!!

gemini3

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RE: That is just plain mean
« Reply #3 on: Dec 28, 2006, 01:39:25 PM »
Yeah, that's what we're doing.

Don't worry, she won't see me get upset.  :o)  That's the one thing I have - that she can't get a rise out of me.  It really makes her mad.  She tries like hell.  Her most recent dig was to (surprise!) get engaged on Christmas Eve, call the kids and tell them about it (they had no idea it was coming), and then ask them to do the same "jobs" at her wedding as we had planned for ours.  Crazy, I tell ya.

I mostly come here to vent because people understand.  My friends get sick of all the drama.  Can't say I blame them.

Jade

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RE: Ahhh, the holiday's
« Reply #4 on: Dec 28, 2006, 04:52:42 PM »
>BM is telling the kids that they can't have any presents they
>got from us at her house (she has physical), and that they
>have to stay at or house.  The kids are upset, my fiance is
>upset too.  I think it's just mean.  Is it me, or is this an
>alienation tactic?  It seems to me that it is, but I get so
>confused anymore.  
>
>Why would someone do this?  I really don't understand why she
>would do something like that, other than to just be mean.
>Especially when he's supposed to be leaving town (we find out
>this week whether or not he goes) for six weeks, so they won't
>be able to play with any of the toys until the middle of
>February!

I am the CP.  While I would prefer that the Christmas presents that the kids got from their Dad stay there, I haven't forbidden them coming to my house.  The reason is simple.  Less clutter to keep cleaned.  It's not to be mean, but to cut back on my cleaning time and increase my time spent with my kids.  


mistoffolees

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RE: Ahhh, the holiday's
« Reply #5 on: Dec 29, 2006, 02:50:50 PM »
I would urge you to rethink this.

There's a book called 'Mom's House, Dad's House' that you should read. I've been trying to make the move between the two homes as transparent as possible for my daughter. While there are a few things that I want in my house (antiques that my mother gave to my daughter, for example), I want her to feel free to move as freely as possible between the homes and feel that she (and her toys, clothes, etc) are 100% welcome at both places. Essentially, my view is that her belongings are HERS and she can do whatever she wants with them.

There are, of course, limits to this. If there's something you consider unsafe or otherwise can't have in your home, then by all means refuse it. For example, my rental house allows cats, but not dogs. When my daughter comes to my house, she brings her cat with her, but the dog stays at her mother's house - since I can't have it.

While you might save yourself a few minutes of cleaning, you're setting your kids up into an adversarial role rather than a 'we're both your parents and both of us want you to be happy' atmosphere.

wysiwyg

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RE: Ahhh, the holiday's
« Reply #6 on: Dec 29, 2006, 03:22:19 PM »
Put yourself in your kids shoes, if you got a totally cool present that you had wanted all year and then have someone tell you you can only play with it when you are at Dad's, which is how often 4-6 days a month?

I agree, rethink this, we go thru this every summer, the latest was my SS was only allowed to bring his bike over if he had a place to put it and chained it.  Since we live in an upstairs apt, he put it covered on the balcony,  BM threw a fit and told him that any "good thief will scale the balcony and hand down the bike to an accomplice".  He was never allowed to bring it over again, nor does he get to ride it at BM's.  His last years xmas and b day gifts were taken home by him and they HAD to stay in BM van for 7 months and SS was refused to allow the use of his stereo and other things he bought with his money.  After 7 months of being in the van they have spent the next 5 sitting in the same box in teh Living room - being denied access to the same gifts, because they were clutter for mom and junk that needed to stay at dads.  

Jade

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RE: Ahhh, the holiday's
« Reply #7 on: Dec 29, 2006, 11:04:15 PM »
>I would urge you to rethink this.
>
>There's a book called 'Mom's House, Dad's House' that you
>should read. I've been trying to make the move between the two
>homes as transparent as possible for my daughter. While there
>are a few things that I want in my house (antiques that my
>mother gave to my daughter, for example), I want her to feel
>free to move as freely as possible between the homes and feel
>that she (and her toys, clothes, etc) are 100% welcome at both
>places. Essentially, my view is that her belongings are HERS
>and she can do whatever she wants with them.
>
>There are, of course, limits to this. If there's something you
>consider unsafe or otherwise can't have in your home, then by
>all means refuse it. For example, my rental house allows cats,
>but not dogs. When my daughter comes to my house, she brings
>her cat with her, but the dog stays at her mother's house -
>since I can't have it.
>
>While you might save yourself a few minutes of cleaning,
>you're setting your kids up into an adversarial role rather
>than a 'we're both your parents and both of us want you to be
>happy' atmosphere.

You may want to read the part of my post where I stated that I haven't forbidden it.  I simply prefer them not to.  And I haven't told them this other than telling my daughter that the doll house is staying at Daddy's as she already has one here.  Complete with furniture.  

And, no, I am not setting my kids up for an adversarial role simply because I prefer the toys to stay at his house.  And the books that I have read have recommended that they DO have toys that are just at the other parent's house.  Makes them feel more at home at the other parent's place.  And one of the books IS recommended by this website.  

The cat stays here.  While dogs are portable, it's been my experience that cats really aren't.  And I grew up with cats.

Jade

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RE: Ahhh, the holiday's
« Reply #8 on: Dec 29, 2006, 11:07:34 PM »
>Put yourself in your kids shoes, if you got a totally cool
>present that you had wanted all year and then have someone
>tell you you can only play with it when you are at Dad's,
>which is how often 4-6 days a month?
>
>I agree, rethink this, we go thru this every summer, the
>latest was my SS was only allowed to bring his bike over if he
>had a place to put it and chained it.  Since we live in an
>upstairs apt, he put it covered on the balcony,  BM threw a
>fit and told him that any "good thief will scale the balcony
>and hand down the bike to an accomplice".  He was never
>allowed to bring it over again, nor does he get to ride it at
>BM's.  His last years xmas and b day gifts were taken home by
>him and they HAD to stay in BM van for 7 months and SS was
>refused to allow the use of his stereo and other things he
>bought with his money.  After 7 months of being in the van
>they have spent the next 5 sitting in the same box in teh
>Living room - being denied access to the same gifts, because
>they were clutter for mom and junk that needed to stay at
>dads.  


The small stuff, like the game for his gameboy that my son got at my exes house does come with him.  But the other, bigger stuff stays.  

My kids are there every other week-end, they need toys that there to play with.  Makes them more special.  Plus, I simply don't have room for 2 dollhouses (which is the main thing there).  

MixedBag

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Let me point out....
« Reply #9 on: Dec 30, 2006, 08:32:47 PM »
that it can be the mom or the dad that plays these games with the children.

And they're not good games.

Both genders could be guilty.

And I've seen both genders play games with the children's minds about presents and toys and stuff.

At the end of the day, it is a careful balance....because as a parent, I want the child to have something to play with at my home whether I'm the custodial parent or the part time parent.

So yes, I'll admit that I cringe when something goes to the other house and doesn't make it back -- whether it was the custodial children or the part-time children, because at the end of the day, it's about the children and THEM having something at the home I'm providing for them to play with.

Sunshine1

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RE: Let me point out....
« Reply #10 on: Dec 30, 2006, 10:40:01 PM »
Ok, Ok, I gotta put my 2 cents in...

We never allow big items or expensive items to leave our house to go to BM's...simply because it is a free for all there and every kid in the neighborhood walks in and out of her house.

Perfect example this week.... Older SS got a Nintendo DS for his birthday earlier this month from BM.  Not cheap, but she let him bring it back...normally this is not something she allows.  I make a point of taking care of their items from there because I sure as heck don't want to replace it and or hear from her about how careless we are.

Younger SS got a drum set for his birthday ( did not come to our house which I am thankful)

They go back for their visit and in one weekend some kids she was babysitting for trashed the drum set and broke it and the DS came up missing and the game, along with their rooms totally overturned.

Prime example why I do not let anything of value go to their BM's house.  I can't even trust clothing, it either gets trashed or some kid she doesn't even know ends up with it.

So in certain circumstances I believe that the kids things should not travel back and forth....but if they bring things I don't say you can't play with it...geez, that is just mean, because seriously how many times are they going to get to play with it at the other house?

My ex did this to our son as well.  After not seeing his kids for 9 months there was this big reuniting Christmas with them and his new wife and children, so BF runs out and gets our oldest the thing he has been dying for all year, a bow and arrow.  His dream come true.  Well that was roughly like 2 1/2 years ago and he hasn't seen it since.  MEAN!  Why do people do that.  My feeling was that it wasn't that he didn't trust it to come to our house, it was his "lure" back to manipulate him into loving it there...needless to say it didn't work.

Kitty is right, it goes both ways, BF's do it too, and it only makes the kids hurt; somehow he thinks I am sad that he didn't get to bring his bow and arrow home.....huh?  whatever.  People play weird games.


Mamacass

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RE: Let me point out....
« Reply #11 on: Dec 30, 2006, 11:21:22 PM »
We have a tough time with the back and forth of stuff.  When it comes to clothes, we will not send over anything we really like for SS.  this is because anything that is nice never comes back.  Or at least, not while he can wear it b/c he does come home in a lot of the clothes we bought him last year (all too small for him by now).  It was tough when we were NCP's and its even worse now that we're CP's.  I swear, we spend twice as much on clothes and shoes for my SS than we do for our children who live with us all the time, b/c we have to provide a wardrobe at the beginning of each season.  Then we have to replenish SS's stuff all throughout the season since he can't wear any of the stuff he wears home from BM's

As far as toys, I'm torn.  BM is mean enough to keep anything of value.  Once, we bought SS a movie, and he didn't have time to watch it, so we told BM she could "borrow" it at her house.  When we asked for it back, she told us that she thought we bought it for her to keep at her house.  WTF?  What it comes down to is that we can't afford to buy two houses worth of toys and clothes.    

Also, BM bought SS a gameboy last year.  A few times, she allowed SS to bring it over, but it started more arguments than it was worth.  When his younger brother would ask to play it, SS would throw a fit.  I didn't feel comfortable making SS share it, b/c it was his from his mom.  However, when he would throw a fit and get really mean about it, I would put it up.  
Then, BM sent it with SS when he stayed with us over the summer b/c he was allowed to bring it to daycare.  One of the rules at daycare is that they were not allowed to share gameboys or games- AT ALL.  This was a rule we went over very well with SS but twice I caught him trading games.  Then there was the day he wet his pants at daycare, because he didn't want to pause the game to go pee.  
So what it came down to, was that he was told not to bring his gameboy.  SS was told that since he couldn't follow the rules or be responsible with it at daycare, and he couldn't be nice and share at home, it was not welcome at our house.  It came back once more after that rule was made, and I put it up as soon as he walked in the door.  

So we don't really do the back and forth stuff too much.  It just doesn't work for us.  

gemini3

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RE: Let me point out....
« Reply #12 on: Dec 31, 2006, 07:02:01 AM »
123

wysiwyg

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RE: different turn of gifts etc
« Reply #13 on: Dec 31, 2006, 08:47:41 AM »
I got a good one on this, although I have plenty of stories on clothing and toys, (court stories) we got a letter from BM x mas day, she wants us to turn over all money from now on that the child gets for gifts from BF family to HER!  Why?  The child id 15 and going to take Dr ed, so she wants money for the course, her insurnace and a car for childs use.  I dont believe it is our responsibility to pay her car insurance nor agree to a car for this child, and belive that this is coveed under CS.  There is no court order otherwise and BM has sole legal and physical cusotdy.  

gemini3

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RE: different turn of gifts etc
« Reply #14 on: Dec 31, 2006, 01:18:31 PM »
123

lucky

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RE: different turn of gifts etc
« Reply #15 on: Dec 31, 2006, 01:36:25 PM »
My point of view:

First:  ANY monetary gifts given to the child(ren) by either family belong to the CHILD and the spending of said monetary gifts is at the discretion of the child with the supervision by the parent (i.e. not allowing a 13 year old to buy rated R movies or rated "M" music/games, etc).

Second:  Learning to drive is NOT a necessity.  It is a privilege that is earned.  In our home, part of earning that privilege includes coming up with the money required, but the child gets to choose whether or not to pay for it.  If they don't pay for it, it doesn't happen.  My ex and I disagree on this so I told him if he didn't like our rules (I was CP) he could pay for it -- he chose not to.  However, he would have blown a gasket had I demanded the money his family gave to dd as gifts to pay for it, and rightly so.

Quite frankly, if I give a child a monetary gift, it is my expectation that the child will decide what to spend it on, not the child's parents (within reason of course).  If that EVER happened, the child would NEVER receive a monetary gift from me again as I don't give gifts to people so that other people can decide what to do with them.

JMHO

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]
Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. ~  Will Rogers

wysiwyg

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RE: different turn of gifts etc
« Reply #16 on: Dec 31, 2006, 03:38:22 PM »
"She's not asking YOU to pay for the car or the insurance, she's saying that she wants to use whatever monetary gifts that are given to the child for it."


I apologize for not adding this in when "venting" - yes she is also asking us to pay for the insurance and a car and the course for the child.  Yet in her letter she never once said she would assist in teaching the child to drive.  

MixedBag

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you're joking, right?
« Reply #17 on: Jan 01, 2007, 07:53:25 AM »
Did you REALLY say this?

"If she has sole legal custody of a minor child, she has control over monetary gifts that child is given. I don't see what's wrong with her request. "

So if the NCP wants to buy the child something, the NCP should turn over the money and ask the CP to buy it.

Sorry, I see way too many problems with this philosophy and how it can totally go overboard in the long run.  Just where does it stop?

It stops with decisions that are made in the NCP's home.

Sole custody (IMHO) doesn't give the CP the right to overstep boundaries.

My EX has the right, for example, to make the final decision with regards to our son in all areas except transportation arrangements.  We have joint, but there's an extra sentence in the decree that goes one step further.

BUT I don't think a judge would agree with him if he started to tell me how to parent our son in my home.  (BTW -- EX is printing this post off as you read this -- if he hasn't already printed it off before you read this.)

gotta run to the airport right now, but this deserved a response because I think (respecttfully disagreeing) your line of thinking is out there.

 

Mamacass

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good grief
« Reply #18 on: Jan 01, 2007, 05:24:21 PM »
So SS came back today after spending a week with his mom.  And as I said in my last post  we have a problem with clothing.  A few weeks ago, we let SS wear a jersey to school on a day his mom was picking him up for dinner.  Not a big deal since he would only be over there for a few hours, but for some reason SS wore a different shirt home.  This is the 3rd time he has gone over there after school and worn home some junky clothes.  She's been known to change him into his junky "extra clothes" that he keeps in his backpack for "just in case" and keep what he wore to school.  She also has sent him home in a sweatshirt b/c he got too hot in the short sleeve shirt he wore to school.  I have a hard time not rolling my eyes at the excuses she tells him to give us.    

Anyhow he comes home today in a pair of pants that are literally falling off of him, a long sleeve shirt and no undershirt or coat.  I don't know if BM noticed, but it is the middle of winter.  Also, no jersey, even though we asked that he wear that home.  SS tells us that they couldn't find the jersey.  I'm sure in another year or so (when its too small) the jersey will resurface and he'll wear it  home.  The pants at least are his size (for the first time in months), but we have sent 3 belts over in the last year, so its not like she couldn't send him back with a belt.  

MYSONSDAD

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My nickels worth...
« Reply #19 on: Jan 01, 2007, 06:22:58 PM »
I agree, think it is negativity reflected on the child. Doesn't matter what parents are doing it, the children feel the results.

When a child receives a gift, it should be THEIR gift. If our son wants to take it with him, I remind him of all the fun we had playing with it while he is with me and that when he comes back, bring it with so we can play again. Now that he is older, he understands what games BM is pulling.  Ex refuses to allow him to take things with him. I think it is his and he should have the choice.

I think he is also getting to the age of being shown responsibility on bringing things back when he comes  to my home. Of course, this depends on how ex handles things. Since our trial is now over, things have gotten somewhat better. But she still does some stuff that I feel is very wrong and sending the wrong messages.

I let our son know, it is not mine, it is not mommys, it is yours. How can a child learn self worth/respect if everything he has needs to stay at either mom or dads?

We have had some rough moments over how he is clothed. Mid winter, 10 degrees, she sends him in no coat, no hat, no gloves and sometimes no shoes. Have had to convince him it was okay to wear things from daddys house, get told 'mommy won't let me wear it to her house'. She has even stripped him outside the door and left the clothes behind. THIS IS ABUSE. I dress him for comfort, using clothes he is about to out grow, things seldom worn or just keep some extras from K-Mart or Walmart. Don't get it back, it's no biggy.

This is just senseless hate aimed at getting to me and using our son as a pawn. He is the victim of this abuse.

Children need to learn responsibility for their own belongings, monetary gifts. Things won't always be handed to them, they need to be taught anything worth having is earned and should be taken care of.

 
"Children learn what they live"

gemini3

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RE: you're joking, right?
« Reply #20 on: Jan 02, 2007, 05:00:08 PM »
123

MixedBag

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It is for discussion...
« Reply #21 on: Jan 02, 2007, 05:25:24 PM »
and no I didn't attack you, I discussed back.

Attacking is when you call the other person names and start cussing at them.

If you take a look at my original response to this thread it was to point out that Moms and Dads can both be guilty of this -- not just BMs.

That was my main purpose of responding.

And yes, I struggle with the right answer too because yes, it belongs to the children.  And when the stuff is always on a one way trip to the other house, it doesn't seem totally right so as a parent, you gotta find the right balance.


gemini3

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RE: It is for discussion...
« Reply #22 on: Jan 02, 2007, 05:33:23 PM »
123

Mamacass

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RE: It is for discussion...
« Reply #23 on: Jan 02, 2007, 08:00:18 PM »
I agree with your last paragraph.  For us, we can afford to replace all the lost clothes, however, we wouln't be able to afford all the "lost" toys.  Since we have SS 90% of the time, it would be a shame for him to miss out on the stuff that his mom would keep and he would barely see.  
Also, we have to factor in that there are a lot of toys that belong to both SS and my son.  It's not fair if he brings something of theirs to his mom's and it never returns.  Until he is responsible to take care of his stuff, I can't support him taking toys out of the house to a place that I miyself can't keep track of.  So that means, no toys to school, daycare, or BM's.  
Right now, I'm working with SS on what clothes are appropriate to wear.  His mom wants to be a brat about it, b/c she knows we won't allow SS to wear clothes that are too small or are full of holes.  We've even offered to buy clothes for her house, and sent several bags of clothes over there, but still she sends him back wearing junk.  So I'm trying to teach him to stand up for himself and pride in how he looks.  Maybe if he starts telling BM to stop dressing him like an orphn she'll realize that her games are stupid.  She may win the battle with us, but she'll lose the war in the long run, b/c SS will see her actions and realize what she really is.  
Until BM can act like an adult we have to protect SS as much as we can and that includes his belongings.  

MixedBag

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you bring up a new good point
« Reply #24 on: Jan 03, 2007, 07:30:40 AM »
although it won't happen in my family, it did happen on occasion when the family was bigger (but thanks to pending Divorce #3, family shrunk)

Anyways, your good point is that sometimes gifts are "joint" gifts that are meant to be enjoyed by a step-child and a bio-child jointly.

THEN what do you do?

I know, cut it in half with a chain saw....or count out the legos and send half the box with each child.

Just kidding, but that's a good point.

mistoffolees

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RE: It is for discussion...
« Reply #25 on: Jan 03, 2007, 08:11:35 AM »
There are always exceptions. I wouldn't let a very expensive toy go to stbx's and if a toy was jointly owned by both kids, I would make sure that both agree before it leaves the house.

But I still stick by the general principle - that as much as possible, the toys, etc belong to the kid and they can take them where they want and as they please.

If there are problems such as clothes always disappearing, I'd have the discussion with the other parent, and if necessary, don't send nice clothes over, but please leave the kid out of it. As for things from the other house coming over to my house, unless it's hazardous or just plain not acceptable, I would refrain from saying 'no'.

Mamacass

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RE: It is for discussion...
« Reply #26 on: Jan 03, 2007, 09:58:24 AM »
So I re-read my post, and it kind of came out wrong.  What I'm teaching SS is that if clothes are too small to speak up and say so.  I don't want him to wear clothes that are 2 sizes to small when I know that he has clothes to fit him.  I'm also teaching him that while it is ok to have play clothes that have holes in them, it is not ok to wear these junky clothes to school or church.  And I'm teaching him that during the winter he needs to wear an undershirt, a long sleeve shirt/sweater and a coat when he leaves the house.  

The way I figure, someone needs to teach him how to dress appropriately.  I only hope that in turn he can speak up for himself and his mom will realize that she is only hurting him by the way she is dressing him.  And hopefully, when he is at her house he will remember what I've taught him and ask for a coat before going outside, b/c she won't tell him to put one on.

The problem is not that he doesn't have clothes that fit him .  The problem is his mom won't put him in appropriate clothes.  I have thought about sending him back in whatever he wore to our house, thinking that then she might might stop dressing him in junk.  However that doesn't teach SS the proper way to dress, and it isn't fair to him.  

mistoffolees

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RE: It is for discussion...
« Reply #27 on: Jan 03, 2007, 10:14:31 AM »
Sounds like a good approach.

I hope that he can speak up to the mother. Sometimes that's hard for a kid to do.

Kitty C.

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The problem is...........
« Reply #28 on: Jan 03, 2007, 10:43:15 PM »
....most of these BM's are so stupid, they don't even realize the ONLY person that looks 'stupid' is them!  Back in the beginning, BM used to do that with SS, sending him in rags to make DH look bad.  Unfortunately for her, this is a very small community and everyone knew that 'she' was the one behind it, without us even saying anything.  Now that she's in her second divorce, she's finally wised up and SS's halfbrother is properly clothed for any kind of weather when he goes to his dad's.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

wysiwyg

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RE: good grief
« Reply #29 on: Jan 04, 2007, 10:11:48 AM »
Yea we get alot of clothes issues too.  Like when SS was to participate in a wedding on our summer vacation, BM stated in a letter that the child only owns a pair of brown shoes and nothing else so if we wanted him in formal attire we could buy it, and she only allows thie child to bring over 1 change of clothes for a weekend stating that on Saturday we can wash Fridays clothes and on Sunday we can wash Saturday's clothes, and most recently gave the child only 2 changes for a week.  As he says he is allowed to take more clothes to visit friends for a weekened than he is to come to our home.  Since he is 15 I showed him how to use the washer and let him have a go at it.  I figure he is old enough to leanr to wash clothes and when he gets tired of washing then he will stick up for himself and bring over more clothes.  I figure she gets cs and should be clothing the child, mind you he has a few things at our place he can wear and knows himself if he wants them to wear then he laves them there, we have not said anything to him, we let him come to his own conclusions.  THe next big issue is a formal winter dance at school next month that he needs a suit for, I am prepared for hiom to come out the door without it and a note delivered from hoim mother thru him that we will need to go and buy him a suit for the dance that night. Not sure how to handle that when the time comes..........any thoughts?

gemini3

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RE: good grief
« Reply #30 on: Jan 04, 2007, 11:08:28 AM »
123


wysiwyg

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RE: good grief
« Reply #31 on: Jan 04, 2007, 11:34:12 AM »
It is not a punishment - please understand, if we could buy the child a suit that would happen, but if you get child at 6 PM on Friday and the dance start at 6 pm that same night (we will not see him until the night of the dance) how are we supposed to accomplish that?  BM will NOT (and we have asked) allow us the time to do this for the child and go shopping.  This was addressed int the courts order that BM refuses to allow BF additional time to do anything with the child whether necessary or just fun time, but failed to order a remedy. The child is unusually tall and heavy at his age so just going out and buying size X is not feasible as any suit will have to be taylored to fit his large frame.  She has been court ordered to notify us of any activity when she finds out of said activity and to send all and any appropriate clothing with the child.  

The suit for the wedding, was on fathers day weekend, we were to get the child on Friday for a Sunday wedding where we would have had time to do such shopping, she denied that holiday/ summer vacation weekend and denied the child to participate in the wedding that he had committed to.




Mamacass

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RE: good grief
« Reply #32 on: Jan 04, 2007, 07:34:22 PM »
Honestly I think you're lucky that you get any clothes sent over.  BM never sent clothes over for SS, not when she had full, not when we had 50/50, and not now that we have full.  She didn't return all the clothes we bought for her house at the beginning of last school year (although he's wearing a lot of them back not that he's outgrown them.).  Also we bought him 4 outfits at the beginning of last summer, the next weekend he came back to our house in junk.  so we asked her if he needed more clothes and sent over 3 more outfits.  She had him for about a month after that and then he spent almost the entire summer with us.  He went back to her a few weeks before we got custody.  So basically she has a whole bunch of barely worn summer clothes, b/c she barely had him.  At no time has she ever given us any of those clothes back, and she probably never will.  I'm not sure why she wants them.  We have 2 more boys, and she doesn't have any other kids (not that she kept anyways).  Yo would think that she at least would have sent them with SS when he spent the summer with us, but I guess she had more important things to worry about than what SS was wearing.  
Your BM sound a lot like the one we deal with.  She cares more about punishing you than she does about making sure her child has what he needs.  Not much you can do to change that.  The sad thing is, her selfishness is going to affect you, but even moreso, it will affect SS.  Don't play her games, or you'll be hurting him just as much as she is.
As far as the dance goes, you could ask your SS if he has a suit to wear, and remind him to bring it with him.  You could also call BM to remind her, and if she tells you that you need to provide it, just tell her to re-read her court order.  If she has a suit, but doesn't send it, I would suggest driving SS to her house to get changed before the dance.  

Mamacass

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RE: good grief
« Reply #33 on: Jan 04, 2007, 07:34:25 PM »
Honestly I think you're lucky that you get any clothes sent over.  BM never sent clothes over for SS, not when she had full, not when we had 50/50, and not now that we have full.  She didn't return all the clothes we bought for her house at the beginning of last school year (although he's wearing a lot of them back not that he's outgrown them.).  Also we bought him 4 outfits at the beginning of last summer, the next weekend he came back to our house in junk.  so we asked her if he needed more clothes and sent over 3 more outfits.  She had him for about a month after that and then he spent almost the entire summer with us.  He went back to her a few weeks before we got custody.  So basically she has a whole bunch of barely worn summer clothes, b/c she barely had him.  At no time has she ever given us any of those clothes back, and she probably never will.  I'm not sure why she wants them.  We have 2 more boys, and she doesn't have any other kids (not that she kept anyways).  Yo would think that she at least would have sent them with SS when he spent the summer with us, but I guess she had more important things to worry about than what SS was wearing.  
Your BM sound a lot like the one we deal with.  She cares more about punishing you than she does about making sure her child has what he needs.  Not much you can do to change that.  The sad thing is, her selfishness is going to affect you, but even moreso, it will affect SS.  Don't play her games, or you'll be hurting him just as much as she is.
As far as the dance goes, you could ask your SS if he has a suit to wear, and remind him to bring it with him.  You could also call BM to remind her, and if she tells you that you need to provide it, just tell her to re-read her court order.  If she has a suit, but doesn't send it, I would suggest driving SS to her house to get changed before the dance.  

 

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