Ahhh, the holiday's

[gemini3]

123

[Ref]

I will never understand some of the nutty things I hear on this board. I guess the only option is to have Dh talk to BM about it and hope she changes her mind.  Otherwise, keep the toys and tell the kids they will be at your home whenever they want to play with them and that you are perfectly happy for them to take the toys whereever they would like them. (That was BM can't say that you refused to let the kids bring the toys to their house). It is sad, but remember that it wont be the end of the world. You and the kids will be ok. Not to mention, if you act too upset, you will probably be feeding BM.

Best wishes,
Ref

[Giggles]

It's sad for the kids but I wouldn't exactly call it an alienation tactic....perhaps reversed alienation.  It really depends on what BM tells the children...example 1 "You cannot bring the stuff from your Dad's house"  or example 2  "Your Dad said you can't bring the stuff you got from his house".  Example 1 makes her out to be the bad guy and the kids pick up on that.  Example 2 makes Dad the bad guy...and therefore alienation is taking place.

When my X-BF and I were together, whatever we bought his kids stayed at our house cuz that way they had stuff of their own when they came to visit and wouldn't have to shlep a bunch of stuff back and forth.  I especially did this with SD's clothes.  BM would send her in rags so I would buy her clothes but would never see them again if they went to BM's.  I would wash the clothes SD came in and make her wear them back to BM's when she left.

[gemini3]

Yeah, that's what we're doing.

Don't worry, she won't see me get upset.  :o)  That's the one thing I have - that she can't get a rise out of me.  It really makes her mad.  She tries like hell.  Her most recent dig was to (surprise!) get engaged on Christmas Eve, call the kids and tell them about it (they had no idea it was coming), and then ask them to do the same "jobs" at her wedding as we had planned for ours.  Crazy, I tell ya.

I mostly come here to vent because people understand.  My friends get sick of all the drama.  Can't say I blame them.

[Jade]

>BM is telling the kids that they can't have any presents they
>got from us at her house (she has physical), and that they
>have to stay at or house.  The kids are upset, my fiance is
>upset too.  I think it's just mean.  Is it me, or is this an
>alienation tactic?  It seems to me that it is, but I get so
>confused anymore.  
>
>Why would someone do this?  I really don't understand why she
>would do something like that, other than to just be mean.
>Especially when he's supposed to be leaving town (we find out
>this week whether or not he goes) for six weeks, so they won't
>be able to play with any of the toys until the middle of
>February!

I am the CP.  While I would prefer that the Christmas presents that the kids got from their Dad stay there, I haven't forbidden them coming to my house.  The reason is simple.  Less clutter to keep cleaned.  It's not to be mean, but to cut back on my cleaning time and increase my time spent with my kids.  

[mistoffolees]

I would urge you to rethink this.

There's a book called 'Mom's House, Dad's House' that you should read. I've been trying to make the move between the two homes as transparent as possible for my daughter. While there are a few things that I want in my house (antiques that my mother gave to my daughter, for example), I want her to feel free to move as freely as possible between the homes and feel that she (and her toys, clothes, etc) are 100% welcome at both places. Essentially, my view is that her belongings are HERS and she can do whatever she wants with them.

There are, of course, limits to this. If there's something you consider unsafe or otherwise can't have in your home, then by all means refuse it. For example, my rental house allows cats, but not dogs. When my daughter comes to my house, she brings her cat with her, but the dog stays at her mother's house - since I can't have it.

While you might save yourself a few minutes of cleaning, you're setting your kids up into an adversarial role rather than a 'we're both your parents and both of us want you to be happy' atmosphere.

[wysiwyg]

Put yourself in your kids shoes, if you got a totally cool present that you had wanted all year and then have someone tell you you can only play with it when you are at Dad's, which is how often 4-6 days a month?

I agree, rethink this, we go thru this every summer, the latest was my SS was only allowed to bring his bike over if he had a place to put it and chained it.  Since we live in an upstairs apt, he put it covered on the balcony,  BM threw a fit and told him that any "good thief will scale the balcony and hand down the bike to an accomplice".  He was never allowed to bring it over again, nor does he get to ride it at BM's.  His last years xmas and b day gifts were taken home by him and they HAD to stay in BM van for 7 months and SS was refused to allow the use of his stereo and other things he bought with his money.  After 7 months of being in the van they have spent the next 5 sitting in the same box in teh Living room - being denied access to the same gifts, because they were clutter for mom and junk that needed to stay at dads.  

[Jade]

>I would urge you to rethink this.
>
>There's a book called 'Mom's House, Dad's House' that you
>should read. I've been trying to make the move between the two
>homes as transparent as possible for my daughter. While there
>are a few things that I want in my house (antiques that my
>mother gave to my daughter, for example), I want her to feel
>free to move as freely as possible between the homes and feel
>that she (and her toys, clothes, etc) are 100% welcome at both
>places. Essentially, my view is that her belongings are HERS
>and she can do whatever she wants with them.
>
>There are, of course, limits to this. If there's something you
>consider unsafe or otherwise can't have in your home, then by
>all means refuse it. For example, my rental house allows cats,
>but not dogs. When my daughter comes to my house, she brings
>her cat with her, but the dog stays at her mother's house -
>since I can't have it.
>
>While you might save yourself a few minutes of cleaning,
>you're setting your kids up into an adversarial role rather
>than a 'we're both your parents and both of us want you to be
>happy' atmosphere.

You may want to read the part of my post where I stated that I haven't forbidden it.  I simply prefer them not to.  And I haven't told them this other than telling my daughter that the doll house is staying at Daddy's as she already has one here.  Complete with furniture.  

And, no, I am not setting my kids up for an adversarial role simply because I prefer the toys to stay at his house.  And the books that I have read have recommended that they DO have toys that are just at the other parent's house.  Makes them feel more at home at the other parent's place.  And one of the books IS recommended by this website.  

The cat stays here.  While dogs are portable, it's been my experience that cats really aren't.  And I grew up with cats.

[Jade]

>Put yourself in your kids shoes, if you got a totally cool
>present that you had wanted all year and then have someone
>tell you you can only play with it when you are at Dad's,
>which is how often 4-6 days a month?
>
>I agree, rethink this, we go thru this every summer, the
>latest was my SS was only allowed to bring his bike over if he
>had a place to put it and chained it.  Since we live in an
>upstairs apt, he put it covered on the balcony,  BM threw a
>fit and told him that any "good thief will scale the balcony
>and hand down the bike to an accomplice".  He was never
>allowed to bring it over again, nor does he get to ride it at
>BM's.  His last years xmas and b day gifts were taken home by
>him and they HAD to stay in BM van for 7 months and SS was
>refused to allow the use of his stereo and other things he
>bought with his money.  After 7 months of being in the van
>they have spent the next 5 sitting in the same box in teh
>Living room - being denied access to the same gifts, because
>they were clutter for mom and junk that needed to stay at
>dads.  


The small stuff, like the game for his gameboy that my son got at my exes house does come with him.  But the other, bigger stuff stays.  

My kids are there every other week-end, they need toys that there to play with.  Makes them more special.  Plus, I simply don't have room for 2 dollhouses (which is the main thing there).  

[MixedBag]

that it can be the mom or the dad that plays these games with the children.

And they're not good games.

Both genders could be guilty.

And I've seen both genders play games with the children's minds about presents and toys and stuff.

At the end of the day, it is a careful balance....because as a parent, I want the child to have something to play with at my home whether I'm the custodial parent or the part time parent.

So yes, I'll admit that I cringe when something goes to the other house and doesn't make it back -- whether it was the custodial children or the part-time children, because at the end of the day, it's about the children and THEM having something at the home I'm providing for them to play with.