I have been a stepparent for 13 years. My
DH was also long distance non-custodial for several of those years. For your own sanity, you need to learn to distance yourself from the issues related to your stepdaughter and her mother. This doesn't mean you don't love or do not support your DH, but you are the stepparent. your steppdaughter is only 5 years old, and you have another 13 years of this crap coming. Issues that crop up from all these dynamics can destroy a marriage in a heartbeat. All your pushing and prodding to get your DH to not *ignore* what is going on will begin to grind at him and he might become resentful to you.
When you are a stepparent you have to learn to control what you can control and let go of what you can't control. You cannot control your DH to step up to his ex. He has to do this on his own. You can support your DH to do this, but you can't make him. You cannot control the ex to do the right thing and allow your DH to see his child.
The ex is enjoying the control she is taking over their daughter. There are numerous steps that can be taken for your DH to enforce his
visitation rights. However, with you being coasts apart, this will probably require legal action. You need to ask yourself how much money are you willing to part with and then live with it. A lawyer will be expensive.
Is the exisiting
court order allow for visitation? Does the existing court order recognize that your DH lives on the opposite coast of his daughter? Your DH can only get the law to help to enforce an existing court order. Encourage your DH to contact a lawyer in the county/state/city where the exisiting court order is established and he can probably get a free telephone consult to find out what his rights are.
If your DH shrugs off calling a lawyer, then dont' involve yourself in it. You made the suggestion and he blew you off. Dont' nag. Don't keep asking him if he called. If your DH chooses not to pursue it, it isn't your problem, nor is it something you can control.
Here are a few acronyms you need to become familiar with:
DH (dumb husband, dickhead husband, darling husband, whatever applies at the moment)
BM (Bio mom)
PB (Psycho b*tch from hell)
CS (Child Support)
CP (Custodial parent)
NCP (Non-Custodial parent)
SW (Second Wife)
CO (Court order)
There is a huge second wives cafe that you have to apply to in order to gain membership but it will be invaluable for you if you decide to join. There is a lot of information on this site about disengaging and stepping back but still supporting your DH.
Here is a link:
http://secondwivescafe.com/mambo/