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but real quick - if she can't or won't get them to their games, it's up to you.  If you don't have her cooperation, it'll be next to impossible for the boys to have such committed activities.

BTDT.

Also, people's priorities are different.  She may believe family is more important than activities.  She's not wrong.  Neither are you.  It's just different priorities.  I have no problem with Parent A not being all about activities while Parent B is.  Where my issues are, is when Parent A says sure, I'll help out, or I'll cooperate, then they don't.  Or Parent A does nothing to facilitate the activity, except cooperate with whatever arrangements there are...but then uses that cooperation against Parent B (and the kids) whenever the opportunity arises.

Perhaps a compromise can be reached.

but real quick - if she can't or won't get them to their games, it's up to you.  If you don't have her cooperation, it'll be next to impossible for the boys to have such committed activities.

BTDT.

Also, people's priorities are different.  She may believe family is more important than activities.  She's not wrong.  Neither are you.  It's just different priorities.  I have no problem with Parent A not being all about activities while Parent B is.  Where my issues are, is when Parent A says sure, I'll help out, or I'll cooperate, then they don't.  Or Parent A does nothing to facilitate the activity, except cooperate with whatever arrangements there are...but then uses that cooperation against Parent B (and the kids) whenever the opportunity arises.

Perhaps a compromise can be reached.

bm seeking the courts to get rid of you, that's out of my realm of experience, but her being pissed off that you are around and involved...btdt!

It took me a while, but I figured out that since *she* isn't thinking of the kid(s), I should.  So I figured, if she's that upset that I signed something, I'm not going to sign it anymore.  She doesn't want to see me at her residence, I won't go anymore (unless, of course, we are already out when it's time to pick the kids up or drop them off).  I tried not going to their school things because she didn't like that I was there either, but the girls were upset about that so I figured to hell with *her*.

Stepping back made things a lot easier for my sds, and it gave bm a lot less ammo towards me directly.  I would suggest you not go out of your way to do things that make her mad, that don't have to do with things that happen outside of your own home (like signing cards the bm will see, for example).  Then, if she goes out of *her* way to get to you, you seek outside help (the police, if she gets psycho enough.)

Give this bm some time.  She may mellow out.  For us, it's been 6 years, and just last week I was able to have a phone conversation with our bm when she phoned with a message for dh (and it wasn't "Drop dead and rot in hell, you pathetic excuse for a father!"  lol)  Just kinda lay low in the meantime and think of the little girl first, not what the bm is or should be doing.

Yes, your hands are tied.

No, the cp is not required to let you know anything unless it's written in the order.  

Your situation's similar to ours, with some differences.

Our bm doesn't have her own home, trailer, apartment, at all.  She lives with her parents.

She's been with her bf almost as long as I've been with dh.

She lives less than a 1/2hr away from us.

Her bf lives in a bachelor apartment with his brother.  My girls don't even have a bed, much less a room, over there, but they spend the weekends they're with their mother, there.

So you could say I've btdt.  :P

Yes, your hands are tied.

No, the cp is not required to let you know anything unless it's written in the order.  

Your situation's similar to ours, with some differences.

Our bm doesn't have her own home, trailer, apartment, at all.  She lives with her parents.

She's been with her bf almost as long as I've been with dh.

She lives less than a 1/2hr away from us.

Her bf lives in a bachelor apartment with his brother.  My girls don't even have a bed, much less a room, over there, but they spend the weekends they're with their mother, there.

So you could say I've btdt.  :P

(and God willing he never does) but I'm a stepmom with some rather definitive thoughts on these topics...

"I definitely look at my involvement with step child is that I have a right to have communication and decisions regarding him when he is at my house."

That I do - with my dh.  I also reserve the right to absolve decision making and leave it to dh.

"I also feel that a SP's should be allowed to speak with a birth parent (CP) regarding the child."

I think it would be nice if the bioparent didn't decree that the stepparent is not to speak with them, but that the two would come to an agreement about what is best for both parties and the kids.  I don't communicate with bm.  We have call display because of bm, in that I will not even answer the phone if it's her.  I figure, I was never married to her, and she's not my mother.  Therefore, I have no need to speak with her.  If it should ever come up that it is urgent that I speak with her, I wouldn't hesitate.  I would hope that bm would respect that.  I don't know how she feels about the fact that I won't answer the phone for her.

"I always hear people say: it's between me and the ex...
or do not speak to me regarding my child, my ex can...
or something to that effect.
Well, the way I look at it, is I have established a relationship with this child, and I am the child's stepmother.
When he is in my home, I am an authority figure."

I agree, but I also have the boundary that if it has to do with something outside my home, I am not the authority figure.  DH can deal with whatever it is.

"Everyone always says that step parents have no input in the child's life, and that they should know this when they marry their spouse, but how about the argument that a birth parent should know a possible step will help raise their child after they divorce?"

I hate "shoulds".  The fact is, each family has its own rules, boundaries, and methods of dealing with certain situations.  It's up to that family ("family" being a loose term - by it I mean all the parents of the children) to figure out how best to establish those.  

As a bm, I also hate the thought that I should know my son may one day have a stepmother....that certainly wasn't our intention when we conceived him!  I don't think there are many parents who can say it was, or who can say dealing with divorce is easy and low on the emotional scale, leaving plenty of energy for the introduction of a stepparent!  Divorce makes people who once loved each other, hate each other...and everything that they do, and everyone they know.  i didn't have to do anything to make bm hate me except get together with dh.  And no, I was not the other woman.

I'm gonna be a bird.  So I can sh!t on anyone who caused me problems in this life.

First stop...bm!  Gonna stop by a big old berry bush on my way to her!  ;)

In my case that's bm too.  The kids are great - no need to disengage from their care.  It was bm.  I felt FANTASTIC when I stopped answering the phone if she called, going along to pickups or dropoffs "just because", etc.  

Good for you!  :)

A friend of mine is a sm too, and she and her dh wanted to take her dh's 12yo daughter to Dominican last year.  The bm objected, citing fears of terrorism, war and the drinking water, and the dh was going to take her to court...until his lawyer advised him of the amount of time it would take to get a court date and get through the whole process.

Time = money, so after a time, the dh dropped it and he and my friend went on their trip without the girl.

This year, however, the bm has given permission for the dad and sm to take the daughter on another trip.  

I know what you mean about hurting/leaving the kids behind.  I wouldn't want to either.  I would, though, if it meant avoiding a court battle and tons of stress.  But my sds aren't separated either...what hinky judge ordered THAT???

Under what grounds do you think the bm will protest?

my two sd's and my unborn child (I'm currently 5mos pg).

Of course we're talking years in the future, so my girls, 10 and 7 now, will be in their mid- to late teens by the time this trip were to take place.  DH likely wouldn't come with me on such a trip, as he has no desire to visit Holland.  Most of my family is there.

We're in Canada as well, and I would not travel without all the proper documentation, including but not limited to notarized letters from both bm and my dh authorizing me to travel out of country with the kids.  Therefore, if bm kicked up too much of a stink about my sds going, they would not go.  End of story, and custodial arrangement does not matter to me.  It's unfortunate, but I figure they have a whole lifetime to take trips that they will not need Mom's consent for.  If they get upset their brother/sister gets to go and they don't, that will be an issue between them and their mom.  *I* do not want to get stuck somewhere between here and Amsterdam explaining who these children are and why I'm travelling with them, kwim?

That said, in your situation, if you think bm's giong to object too much, be prepared to postpone your trip, imho.  You don't state the ages of all the kids, but perhaps waiting until such a time as consent from bm will be a)easier to get or b)unnecessary, is a good idea.

The other thing...your dh wants you to take the kids away, but he won't be going?  Do *you* even want to do this?  Have you ever travelled with the kids before?  Are they good travellers?