I have no idea what to do and he has my daughter

[Meighan]

First of all I want to say that I MUST respect my daughter's father or she won't respect him..I have to be an example so I'll never EVER bad mouth him.  All I'm going to do is present the facts and hope maybe somebody will at least be my friend. Man I feel dumb =/ ok...so..here's what's going on...

I got pregnant with my daughter and moved to Oklahoma to live with his parents.  They informed us that I was not allowed to live with them.  I stayed with his best friend until that got to be too much.  His parents told him to either make me give her up for adoption or they would disown him.  He dropped me off at a homeless shelter and that was it.  

I had Maria in North Carolina where I went to live w/a great aunt of mine and had Maria on Feb. 24, 2001 ...we were not married, her father was listed as unknown on her birth certificate and it has stayed that way to this day....I then moved to Pa. to be with my mother so I could finally get on my feet.  I had no education (I was a stupid kid and didn't make wise choices obviously) and had a very hard time supporting Maria.  Eric said that he had changed and moved to Pa. to be with us. I married him on September 11, 2001 simply because I thought that I had to live w/the consequences of what I had done and that he was my only option.

I started college and we lived on campus.  I got very very ill and was hospitalized from an infection and Eric lost his job.  He spent the next few months not working until the president of the college (it was a small Christian college) told him that he had to get a job or leave because they weren't going to support him.  He got a job and then lost it again.  We finally moved to Ok. to be with his parents again b/c my mother refused to help at all if it involved helping my husband...she didn't like him.  In January 2003 we moved in with his parents and I made the decision to leave after the situation with his parents became rediculous.  He promised that he would keep Maria while I got on my feet and that we would agree on everything and get along in a civil manner.  Thus far we have.

However, Eric has moved out of his parents house and I just now got his address toady.  He has no phone and I am not able to get in touch with him and his parents hang up when I try to call and leave a message.  The last time I called his 13 year old sister screamed at me and hung up.  I understand that because I come out of a bad background (no drugs or arrests or mental issues just a really bad home growing up) it's hard for his family to relate to me. But my daughter has nothing to do with them.  

I spoke to my husband today and was told that he won't leave to move somewhere neutral to start over and leave BOTH of our families out of our relationship because if he does his parents will "disown him" and he doesn't want to "burn any bridges."  He prefers them.  He also told me that Maria is too young to be moved around...and that I could "maybe see her at Christmas."  I had to call his job..his best friends house and finally was ready to call the sherrif's office today to get ahold of him.  He's not a bad guy and I don't hate him and he needs to be with his daughter.  

However, he says that because I can't provide the way his parents can he doesn't want her with me and that he wants her "best interest." I desperately want Maria to live with him during the summer time and I'll even pay for her to go see him at Christmas every year if only I can be with my baby.  She's all I have and this life has been desperately difficult and I've never been a bad mother or not provided.  I called the company he just got a job with and asked if they had any openings here in Florida and they do.  I found out how to apply and even called other places and got the info. for him to apply at those places for jobs.  


I then sent that info in a certified letter begging him to let her live here and then he can see about transferring/getting a job here that way there will be no family to interfere.  I talked to him today and he refused.  On friday I plan to go to Oklahoma and get my daughter.  I'm scared that if he calls the sherrif they're going to make me leave without Maria and I'm honestly at my end.  I have nothing without my baby and I don't have the money to fight in court.  I've looked into Oklahoma law all over the internet and even called a lawyer.  I was told that there is no law the specifically pertains to this situation and that that the longer I'm away the worse it will be for me in the longrun.  Can somebody help me maybe?

-Meighan

[olanna]

First off, I want to say that I know it must be distressing for you.  I need to ask you this, and I really want you to think about it before you answer...

Where is this baby going to find the most stability?  If the baby has been with him for awhile, and as you said, he isnt a bad guy, maybe Dad's house *is* a good place for your baby to stay.  I do believe he really is looking out for her best interest, from what you have posted.  The truth is, when people split up that are married, it's sort of a free for all for who stays with or takes the kids until there is some kind of court order in place.  Right now, I have to tell you that possession (and I really hate to use that term but I don't have a better one) is 9/10 of the law.  He has the baby...he is the baby's father and there isn't a whole hell of a lot you can do.

My advice to you if you really want that baby in your life, is to find a job and a place near him, get to work, get set up and get some stability in your life.  Show him that you can do what you need to do to take care of yourself *and* your little one.  Once you have done that, see if you can work out some arrangement with him for regular visitation and perhaps on down the road, split custody.

Right now, I know you are missing your child. But until you can get yourself in a better situation, I have to agree that it's best that your little one isn't riding around all over the country without a stable place to call home.

Blessings come in some really strange packages sometimes.  I would count your blessings that your estranged husband is a good guy and you know that your child is OK. Believe me, there is a lot to be said for that.

Hang in there...take care of yourself and everything else will work out...it always does.

[Meighan]

**I said in my original post that we moved in with his parents in 2003, we had been together up until January 2004 not 2003..I left just a few months ago.  I left a post to clarify below..but yeah just in case I'm letting you know here...so I've only been away from my daughter for a few months, not a year or more.  

Considering the fact that he's left us more than once.... and the fact that his mother would be the one raising my daughter, I'm simply not comfortable with leaving her there if it means that my daughter ends up not knowing me.  No one wanted anything to do with my baby when I was pregnant.  They have a 13 year old adopted daughter that they quote "wish they never would've adopted." My baby spends most of her time at their house and I'm not o.k. with her growing up in a family with those types of issues.  We all have issues, we all have problems and there are things in families that other people wouldn't like if exposed to them which doesn't make those families bad or wrong. However, if their children are respresentative of how my daughter will end up if she stays there...I'll die before I let that happen.  If I didn't like their music or the way they raise their children because it doesn't line up with what I believe that's one thing.  But I've watched how their children have turned out. And if anyone is going to raise our daughter it should be him and I..not them.  

If I had issues with arrests,drugs,mental instability or child abuse I'm thinking that things would be different.  However, at this point, I am fully able to provide a home for my daughter.  When I am there with his family it's as if I don't exist.  I'm some kind of freak and generally ignored.  My husband time and again has always chosen them.  I agree that it's not ok for my daughter to be moved around.  However..her mother can't be replaced.  Neither can her father's family however at this point it's not ok that his parents are the ones that are doing the raising.  I want him to have her in the summer and for Christmas or whatever other major holiday he wants.  I don't want her to be taken from him, I simply would prefer that WE raise our daughter .... he had problems with my mother when we lived together in Pa. and I agreed with him that she should not be involved in our marriage and did what he asked me to do.

 I gave in to what he wanted and now have to fight to be a mother to my child.  There has been ALOT of horrible things done by my husband that I simply refuse to use against him because it's not mature or fair and it's not our daughter's fault that he's a jerk or that we have had problems.  I simply believe that she *NEEDS* to be with her mother and the fact that I want to start over on my own without having to worry if he's going to decide to quit another job again or choose his mother over me.  I've decided to go to Oklahoma and try to reason with him maturely and without argument.  Hopefully after he's seen everything that the lawyer I spoke with presented me with we'll be able to come to a mature compromise. I followed him around like a stupid puppy when he was married and lied and said he was single.  

I followed him around like an idiot and hung on when he abandoned me at a homeless shelter in Texas when I was pregnant and alone.  I allowed him back into my life even though he refused to pay child support after our daughter was born because his parents "wouldn't let him." I defended him when he refused to get a job.  We all screw up and I'm not gonna hold his immaturity over his head.  But I darn sure am gonna defend myself when I'm told that because I don't have parents with 20384238048023 dollars in the bank that I can't provide stability.  I did it when Maria was born and I was alone and I will continue to do it after we're living our lives in peace and he's still in Oklahoma making sure that his mother is happy with him.

I have spent the last two weeks crying over this because I have felt tremendous guilt about bringing my daughter here.  I didn't want to hurt anyone.  I was ready to give up and walk away in favor of "what's best for Maria." But I have spent my life feeling like everyone else should have what makes them happy and gives them a great life thinking that I'm not worthy of having the same.  However it's not about me.  It's about my daughter. And "what's best for her" has nothing to do with her father's parents and everything to do with HER parents.  If her daddy can't raise her ON HIS OWN without his parents teaching her how to become a disrespectful, cussing, promiscuous teenager like the daughter that they admit they don't even want then he needs to let her live with her mother and have liberal visitation. And I AM worthy of having a normal, sane life in a stable home and I have begun to achieve that and I will do it with my daughter living under my roof.

Thanks for your input :)

[Meighan]

I said in my original post that in January 2003 we moved in with his parents. It was actually this past January....A few months ago we moved in with his parents and not long after that I moved out.  My daughter has only been with her father for a few months..not a year or more. my bad.

[maydaymayday]

Get yourself together and then go get custody of your child.  You are now "unstable" in the eyes of the court while the bd's parents are stable.

Hang tight and do right by your child!  Good luck!

[Meighan]

I am "together" and I'm going to get her on Saturday :) thanks!

[Meighan]

I talked to a lawyer today who was very nice and explained the law to me in a way that I can understand.  According to Oklahoma state law both of us have equal access to our daughter.  This means that I can take her as long as I have access to her.  Once that is done, I should file for custody in which case I should win because I'm asking for what the judges in that particular county favor anyways.  The only way I would not win is if there were extraordinary circumstances or a prior custody order.  

She reccomended that I attempt to get my husband to agree to out of court, private mediation in order that my husband could better understand the law regarding custody and so that we can come to a compromise regarding custody without having to go in front of a judge.  She also said that there are certain requirements that must be met before a judge can rule that I have "abandoned" my child.  My situation isn't construed as abandonment and for it to be determined that she WAS indeed abandoned a judge would have to make that decision...and so far the laws surrounding an abandoned child don't pertain to me. Anyways..I thank y'all for your input and for everything :)

-Meighan

[olanna]

"Once that is done, I should file for custody in which case I should win because I'm asking for what the judges in that particular county favor anyways"

Once what is done? You are going to pick her up and leave with her? How long has it been since she has seen you? How long has she been with her Dad?

[MixedBag]

From what I think I've understood.....you are in Florida right now and travelling to Oklahoma tomorrow.  Then your intention is to bring her back to Florida and file.

Florida will not have jurisdiction because your daughter will not have lived there for over 6 months with you.

Oklahoma has jurisdiction (maybe and barely) but Dad has the upper hand there (IMHO) because you want to leave the state of Oklahoma with her.

You know, I really hope you can work something out.  When I was reading through this I was thinking "Why couldn't you find a place to work and live in Oklahoma that isn't under anyone else's roof?"  Find a place of your own and get set up on your own (just like it sounds like you've done in Florida.)  You probably don't have much vested in FL just yet and if it means getting primary custody of your child if you stay put in OK, I'd seriously consider it.

Not walking in your shoes to know what's best....And I understand that.  We're all trying to help -- remember that!  

[gr8Dad]

...and Dad gets a decent lawyer, you are going to not ONLY lose custody, but also be given supervised visitation, as you will be listed as a flight risk with the child.  You will ALSO frighten the child greatly.  I advise that you get a second opinion, preferably from someone that does not stand to benefit from your court case, like this lawyer will.