advice, suggestions, etc???

[olanna]

There aren't any naysayers here. Going to court is fine but you must remember...for every one person that has a success story, there are 99 that don't.

I am telling her, from experience, to proceed with guarded optimism and keep the focal point on the children...not proving what a slacker her ex is when it comes to parenting.

I have to ask you...do you have a personal success story in family court? Not something you heard from someone or overheard...but something you personally experienced? I, for one, would love to hear it. In the six years I have been on SPARC, I can count on one hand the number of court room successes from the posters on this board. And most of those successes only came after YEARS of battling and thousands of dollars spent.

I think getting the family court out of our families and learning to communicate with each other in an adult fashion is the best way for all.

I will let that be my hope. :)

[BlendedFamily]

>
>Someone made a suggestion to see if the records show homework
>assignment completions.
>
>If there are such records, you wouldn't even NEED a teacher's
>testimony.  You can simply show the records as evidence, and
>demonstrate that homework completion was nearly 100% on
>mornings after they spent time with you, and far lower on
>other mornings.

IMO.... that is not 100% correct with just getting the homework assignments.  Getting the homework assignements is a great start for documentation but the proof has to be there that the children actually stayed with Mom that evening.  Ducks in a row!

I am currently in a custody mod and alot of our case has to do with education.  I have one teacher (YDS) that is more then willing to testify (going to get that subponea anyways).  My ODD teacher wants nothing to do with it and will be subponea'd as well.

If any words of wisdom I can give to you about shared parenting, it's great when the parent's can communicate, but as soon as communication goes downhill so do tempers unfortunately.

Document everything and have documents and testimony to back up your documents.  Hope this helps!

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

My responses below...

>There aren't any naysayers here. Going to court is fine but
>you must remember...for every one person that has a success
>story, there are 99 that don't.


Of the 99 that don't, how many are well-educated in child custody strategies, have competent lawyers if not effective self-representatives, and (most importantly) have not given up?


>I am telling her, from experience, to proceed with guarded
>optimism and keep the focal point on the children...not
>proving what a slacker her ex is when it comes to parenting.


Sometimes maintaining a focal point on the children requires demonstrating the alarming actions of the other parent.

A hesitancy to express concern when the other parent is short-changing the children as a responsible parent is truly no favor to the kids.


>I have to ask you...do you have a personal success story in
>family court? Not something you heard from someone or
>overheard...but something you personally experienced?

I view "success story" as any step of the way as we try to do what is best for our children or in protecting ourselves.  In highly conflicted co-parenting situations, the outcome is an on-going process until a child reaches 18.  So, I don't just view "outcome" as the determinant of ultimate success.

I defeated a false allegation made by my ex, with my arrest expunged.  I got a court order for my daughter to be returned local months after her mother unilaterally moved away with her.  I blocked a subsequent move-away attempt.  I've incrementally increased my custodial time with every passing year.  I've stayed the high road year after year and enjoy a deep trust and bond with my daughter in my home that her mother does not have with her (i.e., because the mother has chosen a different road and involves our daughter).  If interested, more about me is at http://www.custodyiq.com/about.html

Those "successes" certainly come with supposed "failures"....

Both mom and I were going for sole custody.  We got joint.

I wanted mom sanctioned for all the crap she continues to pull.  Sanctions have never happened, though she's been lectured.

It took 5 months to get court orders for my daughter to be returned when mom moved away.  Is it a failure that it took so long?  Perhaps.

Nothing happened to mom for calling 9-1-1 and falsely reporting me, resulting in my arrest and imprisonment for a short while.  Is it a failure that she didn't get punished when I defeated the charge?  Perhaps.

I've got a ton of "failures" in addition to successes.  Comes with the territory.

> I, for
>one, would love to hear it. In the six years I have been on
>SPARC, I can count on one hand the number of court room
>successes from the posters on this board. And most of those
>successes only came after YEARS of battling and thousands of
>dollars spent.

Perhaps you and I view "successes" as something different.  Every positive step is a success, in my eyes.

Yes, continuing on a successful path does require persistence.  Yes, the family law system does tend to drag over years in conflicted custody arrangements.  Sucks.  But that's the playing field, if we want "success."

The one quality that successful people share is never giving up.


>I think getting the family court out of our families and
>learning to communicate with each other in an adult fashion is
>the best way for all.


That's a great objective.  Unfortunately, some people are far too broken in their psychoemotional development to meet such a goal.  Many of those who are in family courts against our better judgment are there because the other parent is incapable of civil, mature, reasonable communication.

>I will let that be my hope. :)

Again, I think that's a beautiful goal.  I concurrently can have the perspective that some people don't have that option, due to the inability of the other parent to meet halfway.

[Stepmom0418]

I agree with your whole post!

I also would like to add that even when only gaining a little in family court it can go a mile in the future.

Some people may think of my DH's case as being a failure due to the fact that he did not get what he was asking for which was primary physical care

BUT DH and I think of it as a success due to the fact that DH gained more time and he also now has a DETAILED court order. What was important in our case was that we tried and that we have no intention of giving up. We will continue to take the high road, document, and exercise visitation as the co says. Sometimes it may take a few times in court to finally get the outcome you are looking for but the biggest thing is that a parent in this situation can not give up.

[CustodyIQ]

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try some time, you may find, you get what you need."

I read your post on the other board, and of course, any positive step is a success.  Congrats on that.

You didn't get what you WANT.  But you got some of what you needed.  :)

But you were certainly helped by the judge by clearing up details (i.e., reducing chaos and conflict) and by a judge who apparently agreed with you that the schooling was a problem.... and who essentially told mom to shape up.

If that fixes things, great.

If not, you know you'll go back to court, and perhaps you'll have another incremental "success" in the kids' best interest.  My attitude is, what other option is there?!

Of course, we'll all know if we're successful in 20 or 30 years when our children thank us for doing everything we could.

[olanna]

Doesn't take 20 or 30 years.....

;)

[YahYah]

We had gone from NCP household, with only having visitation every other weekend, to a shared %50 physical custody situation.  A lot of it was due to major issues between my ss and his mother.

During our %50 physical custody situation (every other week) we had the same exact issue with homework, school work, behaviors in the classrooms - and even so far as physical appearance, attendance, tardies, healthy lunch choices and snack choices.

During our weeks ss's homework was done after school every night. ALL of it.  He had a behavior report "blue book" that came home with him every evening, which was to be signed by parents, and notes could be added to address issues of that day, OR, if he was having a rough morning before school I would warn the teacher by writing it in the book.  Every night this book was supposed to be signed, that way the teacher knew that we cared and had concern for what was going on with ss during the day.  Also, homework sheets were sent home each night and parents were supposed to sign them so the teacher knew we were keeping tabs on student's work expectations.

When ss went to school from our home, his homework was always done.  He had studied for his spelling quizzes and he had done his 30 minutes of reading per night.   His behaviors were much better in the classroom, he had healthy snacks and lunches and he was dressed nicely for school, having showered and brushed his teeth before exiting the house.  All of his papers and school stuff was neat and orderly and his days really started out well - what he did with them from there was his own doing.  He didn't turn into an angel during our weeks, by any stretch, but he certainly improved enough for the teacher and school counselor to tell us there was definitely a remarkable difference in the child depending on which home he came to school from.

From his mother's home he missed much more school, he was late so many times we had to have the front office print out the "late" schedule - he had so many marks on the "late schedule" it was really a sight to see.  He did poorly in classes, didn't study for his tests, he was doing his homework during recess times EVERY SINGLE DAY because he wasn't doing it while at home.  His clothes were often too small or too tight, and he got picked on a lot. He didn't shower as often and would come to school with his hair all tussled.  He ate hot lunches but his mother wasnt paying for the lunches so she had a huge bill, which was actually sent to us twice before they realized it only pertained to his mother's weeks.  Ss's behaviors were atrocious during his mom's weeks, so much so the school was calling us because they knew little would be addressed by ss's mother.

At one point, ss's mother was being called every day by the nurse's office because ss was going to the nurse's office every day by 11:00 am complaining of belly-aches.  The nurse finally realized that it was due to hunger pains, because ss didn't have breakfast and didnt have snacks.  It came to a point where, instead of sitting her son down in the morning to eat breakfast to make sure he wasn't in pain in the day time, ss's mother told off the nurse, telling her to NOT call her about this matter again, if ss didn't eat breakfast he's going to have a stomach ache and that's the end of it.  He either eats, or he doesn't.  The kid was 8/9 years old.  I mean, c'mon.

So that went over well with the school. Not.

I feel your frustration, entirely.  It's very hard to watch a stepchild go through this stuff, I can't imagine what it's like to be a parent seeing your flesh and blood having issues that are detrimental to their lives.

My advice is to do what we did, and that's to document EVERYTHING.

I volunteered in my ss's classroom, for him, and for the teacher, because the teacher was having such a difficult time with ss during his mom's custodial weeks.  If ss knew I'd be inthe classroom during certain days, the teacher told me he was far more apt to behave.  

Pick up the slack where dad leaves off, if you can.  Volunteer if you can.  ( I was a stay-at-home stepmom, so it was easier for me to do that for ss)  

Have the children enter counseling at the school if you think it will help.  Outside of school if you have the authority to start that.  

We started counseling for ss outside of school and were very adamant that his mother also attend.  The counselor eventually realized what was going on and how detrimental the living environment was at ss's mom's house, and we ultimately got custody of ss.

You gotta do what you gotta do and right now, it's more like you have to work double-time to do what's right for your kids.

[Troubledmom]

Mediator states:

The decline in the children's school performance is concerning. There appears to be some bases to mothers claims that father is not adequetly assisting the children with homework. Attendance records provided to mediator show a decline in attendance since the children's change in physical custody. There is bases to mothers claim that father is not assisting the children in arriving to school in a timely manner.

Recommendation: Further research into the records of these children and the two children in my custody not involved in the case.

So I am gathering the kids past report cards, getting my oldest child's medical records to show his attendance problems were medical related (mind you that even though he missed a total of 92 days out of 360 instructional days he still maintained a 3.80 gpa), and other relevant documents to give the court.

Even if I lose the bid for substaintly more time, I hope that it is enough to move their father off his behind to help them more. Bottom line is they HAVE to have an education and they have tohave support getting that education.

TM

[wendl]

TM,
I hope it goes well, you and the kids are in our prayers.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**