sticky situation, don't know what to do!

[graciesmom]

Hello all.  I am hoping that someone can give me some good advice, or maybe just some moral support.  My story is a bit of a soap opera.  I am married for 6 years now and we have a 1 1/2 year old daughter.  My husband has a son who is 17 and will be 18 in June.  Here is where it starts to get sticky.  He has never met his son and we are pretty sure that he has not been told that my husband is his real father.  He does pay child support for him, always, and has never complained once about it.  Here is where it gets stickier.  My husband is over in Iraq right now and is scheduled to return home in June.  Recently in the mail I received papers from our local child support office to begin making payments on behalf of a different child.  I was quite confused because the DOB did not match (four months difference) nor did the name of the child or name of the mother match.  I immediately sent an email to my husband to call me ASAP.  When I told him what I received, he confessed to me that there was another child, he will be 18 in October.  He told me that he had slept with the mother, she was married, and when she became pregnant they chose to not reveal that my husband was the father.  My husband again paid child support, no questions asked.  Sometime in 1992, the mother contacted my husband through a letter stating to him that she no longer wished for him to pay child support, that she was getting re-married.  So again to respect her wished, his payments to her stopped.  Now after 12 years, we are contacted and told that we must begin payments and that he is $30,000.00 in arrears.  It is infuriating to me that after all this time, she up and decides now she wants payments plus arrears.  He would have never quit paying in the first place had she not asked.  I told my husband he should try to fight this, but he refuses.  I am afraid that he doesn't want to make himself even more the villian, so he will do whatever is told of him.  I have no problem paying support, but I am just questioning why now?  If anyone knows what kind of rights we have here I would appreciate it.  It just doesn't seem right.  It is quite obvious to me that she has not made an effort until now to seek payments again.  She has known where he was all along as she has mailed things directly to him and never once mentioned child support.  So now, more than likely we have to come up with a good chunk of money and probably pay out for the next ten years.  I am looking at this picture at a totally different angle than my husband as I am not as emotionally attatched.  Am I wrong here?
  I have urged him to contact the mothers and demand that they tell their sons the truth that my husband is their birth father and that he would love to meet them . He wants them to be in his life and to know them, but again he is afraid that it will totally disrupt their lives to all of a sudden know that they have been lied to all their lives.  
Thanks so much for listening.  I am all alone here and quite confused as to what is the right thing to do.  

[joni]

You are going to need a really good attorney as soon as possible.  Do not try to represent this yourself in court.  

Go to this site to find an attorney who's certified in family law:

http://www.aaml.org/Directory.htm

Start pulling together all your paperwork, including that letter from the mom.  AGAIN, get an attorney as soon as possible.  If you do not respond or respond late, the worse case scenario will happen for your family.

[graciesmom]

Thanks!  I totally agree about the attorney, but I am not sure my husband will agree. He feels so guilty about the situation that he doesn't want to do anything to rock the boat so to speak.  I am trying to convince him that he should not just roll over and let her use that guilt  to suck us dry!   He was to call the child support office where we live today and talk to them.  They are assisting in our case as the son/mother live in Germany.   I told him to call and find out what all the details are and what they are expecting from us.  I am going today to find all the paperwork I can and hopefully I can find the letter.  He is not sure if he still has it.  
Wish me luck!

[joni]

Your husband is in denial.  It's time he comes clean with his life and gets all the skeletons out of the closet.  He has to be truthful and forthcoming.  We all have some elements in our past that we're ashamed of or embarrassed by.

There's not alot you can do to change the past.   If given the opportunity, he can make the future right.

[KAT]

Your husband needs a lawyer. Child support was not set up to be a huge savings account for the custodial parent. Since she failed in her responsibility to file for payment collection, he could possibly use the defense of laches (note: it's not latches). In addition, contrary to popular belief' many states do have SOL's on the collection of child support. (either all or part) While he did not meet his obligation to the child, she also had responsibility here too. Plus, it's the oldest game in the book. You just stay away, my new husband will raise the kid then I'll hit you up later to add to my retirement fund. There isn't a doubt in my mind that she possibly planned this advance as many do.  A lawyer could also help him work out a possible settlement to his ex if he could come up with some cash.
If there wasn't DNA testing, it entirely possibly that he can request it now.
Failure to appear will just mean that he's going to have a huge lien attached to his assets. He's in the military? Does he have security clearances? If so, forget about them. If you own a house the lien will have to be paid before it can be sold..same for refinancing/buying. It will negatively affect his credit for years to come. They can also garnish his pay for 55%, take every dollar out of your bank account, keep all income tax refunds & in some cases even take personal items to satisfy this judgment. This is a heavy burden for a new family. He needs to take care of business.
As for contacting the young adult, personally I'd wait until they were 18 then write them a letter. They either respond or they don't. If they don't then wait a few years. Sometimes additional life learning experiences can change ones views drastically. Make sure they know the door is always open. In retrospect of his decision to stay out of his children's life perhaps he could start a website for non adopted children & non custodial parents who are looking to reunite?
Regards;
KAT

[graciesmom]

I am getting the name of a lawyer and I am definitely at least talking to him/her myself and getting all the information on where we stand.  This situation is very difficult right now because my husband is in Iraq and I am here in the states.  Our contact is very limited right now.  I definitely believe that she should have some accountability here.  It was her responsibility to contact the child support office/courts of her choice not to receive support from him anymore, which she obviously didn't do.  It is my opinion, but I think that she quit asking for support because when she re-married ,she didn't want her new spouse to know that she had a baby with another man in an affair.  I then think that she possibly got a divorce from him in 2002 and needed help again and was free to receive it with no secrets.  I am thinking of hiring an investigator to do a little research for me and get the facts.  All I know is that the truth remains that my husband paid his support faithfully from the time he was born in 87' till the time she asked him not to in 92'.  It seems suspect to me that a mom who wanted child support from a father would not wait 12 years to contact someone to collect it after all that time.  I will only accept that theory if I find out she was deserted on an un-inhabited island for 12 years, and somehow I just don't think that's the case.  
Thanks everyone for your great advice and an ear to lean on.  I can only talk to a few people about this very personal issue and it is nice to be able to vent to someone.  

[MixedBag]

If he's military, then he has the right (I believe) to have all proceedings stayed until his return.....

And if mom is in Germany -- which state in the states did she file all this through because Germany can't have jurisdiction?

ALSO, I know for a fact that in the state of NV, they can't go back for more than 4 years for child support if an order was never established.

Maybe the state that has jurisdiction in this case has something similar?

Yep, hire an attorney....

[graciesmom]

He is no longer in the military.  He works  for a private contracting firm with the Dept. of Defense.  He will be home in June.  She filed through Germany and they have contacted the county child support office here where we live to act as the go between.  
I am still waiting to hear from my husband as to what exactly it is they want from us.  I have spoken to a friend of mine who is an attorney and he said we should first see if she has a judgement out against him and secondly that if we don't have the letter that she wrote to my husband it may make it quite difficult as it would just be hear say.  Without that we may be hard pressed to support our case.  He said that the judge could take into account all the years she has gone without contacting anyone.  
Right now it is a waiting game until I find out what exactly it is they want.  
If I find out that we have to pay back the whole $30,000.00,  I have names of 2 attorneys and I hope that my husband stands up for our family.  
TO Be Continued............
This is almost as dramatic as Days of Our Lives :)
Thanks everyone!

[joni]

You said that this mother, years ago, sent a letter to your DH stating she was getting remarried and he didn't have to pay child support anymore.

WHY?

Did this mother have the new father adopt the son?  Might be worth looking into.  If he did, your DH certainly would not be liable for child support, even though he wasn't made aware of the adoption.

[graciesmom]

I don't know why, but I am thinking that she did not tell her new husband that her son was fathered by someone other than her ex-husband. I am not even sure if her husband that she cheated on with my husband knew the truth of his paternity.   Just a theory right now, but we are pretty sure that she still hasn't told the son that my husband is his real father.  Lots of little lies and secrets have been going on.  
I am not even sure if my husbands name is on the birth certificate.  Our phone call to address this issue was not that long as phone calls from Iraq can be pretty pricey and I haven't heard from him now in two days.  I seriously am considering hiring a PI to do a little checking up on her background and see if he can get a copy of the birth certificate for me.  I would like to know her motivation for after 12 years, deciding now is the time I should collect my money!
I would think that my husband would have to sign something to give up his paternal rights, and I would then think he would not be liable for CS, so I am assuming that no one has tried to adopt him.
This is all so overwhelming.  I will be glad to get to the truth and go from there.  She has definitely not counted on me and she has another thing coming if she thinks I am going to give up without a fight.  I have my own little one to protect.