SS hurt badly - what to do....

[dipper]

Tragedy with SS......

DH's bm moved last year two hours away.  In court in January, ss chose to remain with bm.

Since that time, we found out that the friends bm had him hanging with, which were 20 and 30 year old people - two had felonies, one arrested in february for this.  The 26 year old guy was on drugs - all three of these people worked for bm and the district manager fired all three.  We have been unable to find the felony record for one, but that is what she was fired for.  The guy = we dont even know his real name.

Okay, ss also was kicked out of school for constant fights.  We have a letter from one school official stating that bm said she had ss scheduled for a reconsideration of meds for his ADHD (which she didnt and he has not had) and the letter stated that bm would not reconsider counseling.

While on homebound, bm called the police one day because she didnt know where ss was.  He was with some friends.  BM went out of town to visit with her boyfriend after telling ss she was going on a business trip.

SS was placed in a school for juvenile delinquents.  He was searched arriving at school and was in a class with two male teachers and only male students - many of whom had arrests already.  SS was scared and behaved as he stayed close to the teachers.  


SS told us a few weeks ago that his mom does not discipline him.  That no matter what, she always says he is grounded and then an hour later tells him to go out and play - he thought it was funny.

Last wednesday, dh's ex called to say that ss had been badly burned.  The past five days have been awful as ss has second degree burns on the front part of his body  from the waist up.  He goes in for skin grafts tomorrow, which they say is more painful than the burns.  SS was at a friends home with no parental supervision - they are young teens.  The girl that lived there put lighter fluid in a bowl and set it on fire, then kicked it.  It swirled but didnt turn over.  The other boy kicked it  and it didnt flop over.  It was ss' turn, but the other boy kicked it again like a football, sending it into ss.  No one helped ss - he ran around until his shirt burned enough that he got it off.  He begged for them to call 911, but they went after bm.  She then ran to him and went back and got her car.......not calling 911 even though ss begged her to.  The hospital she took him to could not handle him - and he waited for hours before he was transported to another hospital about 25 minutes away.  

BM did call dh from the first hospital.  We were waiting at the second hospital about an hour before ss was brought in.  BM has been overall friendly, but has stated that ss cannot travel here as it is an 80 mile drive.  The nurse present at the time said of course he could come, it would do him good.

BM has made it clear that she is in control and that when ss comes out of the hospital he will be staying with her mother for awhile.  She has made it clear that she does not intend for ss to travel here on his weekends.  

DH cannot be there every night for ss as he has to work.  He has taken two days off and he has three days off on the weekends.  BM has only left for up to 9 nine hours at a time.  She has not returned to work.  

The teens ss was with have come to visit and as they talked their lives are just like ss - no homework, they stay in ISS....

 ss has had no limits at all.  In the four months since court he is in an alternative school and is burned and hospitalized.  

Dh wants to file for a change in custody.  We are thinking of filing when ss gets out of the hospital.

Also, dh is responsible for 75% of the bills.  We are broke.  While it is worth any price to have ss well.........we know bm would try to avoid paying anything if ss had been with us - she would have blamed us and refused to pay.................bm has the money to pay half, yet the court order states 75% from years ago.   We are thinking of checking into homeowners of the house he was at.....Believe me, we love all of our children and would pay any price for them, but reality is that my dh was in the hospital for two weeks last summer.  He was out of work for six, unpaid.  

There are other matters - ss having cigarettes, working at age 13 in a restaurant on school nights.....

Any general comments or pointed comments will be appreciated.

[MYSONSDAD]

My heart goes out to all of your family. This has got to be soooo hard.

I think a change of circumstances are present. The BM is not excercising her Custodial responsibilities.

This boy needs guidance, someone who will be there for him. Apparently, she has other things going on...

[Sunshine1]

Dipper:

Read your post again and then ask yourself why would I wait until he is out of the hospital??  GET HIM OUT OF THERE!

There is obvious lack of supervison and I know you have proof of everything else that has been going on.  Make sure you speak with the doctor about him being ok to travel and get it put in a letter or a report so when she denies you your visitation due to that very circumstance you have proof that it was a lie.

Slow and steady gets there first remember.  I have just recently went through a tramatic experience stemming from the weekend, the police assisted in returning the children to me last night after false charges were thrown out.  I kept my cool and let them hang themselves.

Your SS needs your help, get him out!!!

I will pray for your family and to heal your SS.  I am glad he is ok.

[Sherry1]

is not going to change a child that has already patterned his lifestyle.  He would disrupt your lives to an extent that would be life changing.

[MYSONSDAD]

Glad you were the one who thought of it!

That's right, leave this child without Parental guidance. Should do wonders....

Hanging out with adults, 20-30 years old, good influence there too

"Children learn what they live"

[dipper]

SS surgery went well today.  It was late when he came out, so no one saw the doctor.  They did graft skin on the hand, arm, chest, tummy, and several fingers.  They were supposed to remove skin from the right hand, but didnt - we dont know why.  He had to be given two units of blood.

SS had told his dad this morning that bm was talking to someone about him not being able to go out of her county....so I am going to investigate about burn victims traveling so that dh has something to go go the doc with....

We do have the way to get proof about one of the 30 year old felons -the other, we cant find where the felon record is....we just know she was fired for lying on her application about it......The druggie - we dont even know his last name, so I dont know how we could get proof about why he lost his job.

DH and bm had been to court on January 25....and in three months ss is a juvenile delinquent and burn victim.  Its simply unreal to believe the decline in this child's quality of life- which I think should be a reason to ask for a change in custody...

[MYSONSDAD]

Glad he is doing okay.  

Any chance of getting a license plate on this person? And then you could have someone run the plate or have a PI do it. It would get you a name to work with. Then check other counties.

[Troubledmom]

Quick suggestion, Dh and you both need to find someone to give you a crash course in burn wound care and treatment. The greatest risk to burn victims is infection. Knowing proper care and treatment is VITAL to the victims recovery. IF you have training and documentation of the training it will greatly offset any objections BM may have.

Many hospitals have support groups for families of burn victims, if the hospital he is at does, get involved, if it doesn't check around and see if there is one somewhere close enough that you both can participate in.

Knowledge is power, and if you and DH are able to show that you have obtained the knowledge to care for the child it will put you at an advantage.

Good Luck and keeping your SS in our prayers.

TM

[dipper]

Dh went to spend the night with ss at the hospital.  BM pulled dh aside and told him that her mother talked with the doc today and that the doc  said that ss cannot travel for quite some time.  Well, of course he can travel far enough to go to her mothers...but not to come here.

DH was of course upset about this and bm told him to get off his high horse and think about their son for once.....as if he ever thinks of anything but......She had said from day one that ss was not coming to our house and now she made it a reality!!

I have been trying to find out if there is any general rule about traveling and time limits, but cannot find anything online.  


It is so depressing....ss gets out over the weekend and we will barely get to see him for months now.

[Kboeds]

Dipper,
           I'm really sorry to hear about your ss, I have been reading your pst for a while and feel for the situation you and dh are in.

           You mentioned concerns about medical cost so I would like to suggest you locate a Shriners Burn center, see what you need to do to get ss seen. Shriners does not charge for their services. If they are able to get the insurance to cover any of it, then you don't have to pay the deductables and such. It is worth checking into.

         Next, I  know you all are upset but I need to play devils advocate for a minute. I understand the thought of DH not seeing his son for a while is heart breaking but sometimes things happen and we have to make changes and deal with it. My ex had to go over two months without having DD to his home on two different occasions after her major surgeries. He never complained, I took off unpaid and took care of her and he called and checked on her regularly, came over to visit, or picked her up for the day then brought her back home.
         It is in the best interest of the child not to be fought over right now. It is in the best interest of the child not to be moved a lot and to get plenty of rest and allow his body and his mind to heal. A burn injury will be with him for the rest of his life both physically and mentally. This is the time he needs to see his parents working together for him!! Screw  all her 20 yo friends, that is not the issue right now, ss and his health are the number one priority over Everything else.
         If the doctors are recommending he not travel much right now, then let it go. Don't make him travel. Go spend a weekend in a hotel near grandmas house. Either a short trip to the hotel so that he is not traveling to much, or suck it up and go visit him at grandmas during the day. Again, this is not about anyone else but ss.


My sympathy to all of you, good luck with everything and keep us informed.
KB