Returning Child's Clothes After Visitation

[TPK]

I'm sure many other members have gone thru this as well.

When I return my daughter after the EOW visits, I always dress her up real nice. Now, mind you that I have a TON of clothes for my daughter. I inherited my niece's wardrobe which consists of designer clothing like Donna Karan, Ralph Lauren to name a few. So, it's all been given to me for free. My sister-in-law insists on buying only the best for niece (and nephew)

Seems that the last few times I returned child in MY clothes, wife doesn't give back the outfit next time I get daughter. It might seem petty but I'm paying CS and I believe that money should go to buying clothes. I feel like I'm the Salvation Army or something.


To combat this problem, I have started returning daughter in the clothes that wife sent her in. I wash them so she's not going back in any dirty laundry. I started doing this today and wife noticed it. I kindly asked for a few outfits back and she says "oh, I forgot"

Am I being petty or did I handle this correctly??


Cheers


TPK

[jilly]

We do the exact same thing as you did.

DH's ex doesn't send an overnight bag with SD so we have to buy clothes for her to wear when she's at our house.  This includes shoes, coats, underwear, socks....you name it.  When SD puts her pjs on on Friday night I pick up the clothes she took off and throw them in the washer so she can wear them when we take her back.

If SD does wear home something from our house to her Mom's house we ALWAYS let her know that we need the clothes back.  And I'm not too shy about asking for them again if I have to! LOL

Not that SD is there that much (EOW and alternate holidays).  We don't have alot of outfits for her so if she's there for an extended period of time we're "recycling" outfits.  Plus, I'm the one buying the clothes and I want 'em back just for the princial of the matter.  I've even been known to hold an outfit from her Mom's house "hostage" until I get the stuff from our house back.  LOL  Petty...I know...but that's how it goes sometimes.

Plus, since what we have never really gets worn out, they make great hand-me-downs for our 3 year old daughter.  Starting next year I'll never have to buy DD another piece of clothing for the rest of her life.  Not that I'll let that stop me, but I could do it if I wanted to!  LOL

[joni]

absof&*kinlutely

this is validation that your assistance in clothing your child is not appreciated, rather, taken advantage of.

I would hold onto those beautiful clothes your sister gives you.  You'll then have nice stuff when you need it.

We buy several nice outfits because BM tends to send child with sweats and jeans.  Nothing nice enough for parties or a decent dinner out.  When SD outgrows them, I give the clothes to my cousin's kids.

[TPK]

  I've even been known to hold an
>outfit from her Mom's house "hostage" until I get the stuff
>from our house back.  LOL  Petty...I know...but that's how it
>goes sometimes.


Ya know, I considered this approach myself. But...it seems wife doesn't send daughter in her "Sunday Best" so to speak.  I send her back in Donna Karan, and she gives daughter to me in "Kmart" clothes...LOL.



I have so many clothes for daughter that we change daughter's outfits up to 6 times a day! We know she'll never be able to wear it all, and will grow out of clothes very fast. It's almost like a fashion show at times!! LOL

Wife mentioned not long ago that she wanted our daughter's baby blanket which I have. I asked her "how does it feel to want??"....and then told her to "go pound some sand"


TPK

[smtotwo]

ex sends them- ss 9 & 11 - in old torn ratty clothes, even in winter she sent them in tennies with holes and windbreakers.

THey go home on sunday in whatever they wore here friday.

They have EVERYTHING they need here from shoes to hats and everything in between.

[penny]

We do the same thing now. The ex calls me the wicked step mother.  I was the one purchasing all the childs personal belongings. My husband couldn't because he was paying all his money in CS. Everytime he gets to visit, he would have a bag full of yard sale with the 25 cent tag still on the clothes. I have nothing against yard sale clothes, but at least wash them first. All this kid is to her is a paycheck, she has never worked for the 12 years I have known her. Two summers ago, I had purchased 17 shirts, 14 pairs of shorts ( he lives in Florida) socks, underwear, Nike shoes, backpack, and all his shool supplies. When he returned home after 3 months with us, I got a nasty phone call bitching about all the clothes. Since then I do not purchase anything for this child, he goes home with exactly what he came with.

[BigFamily]

I used to make sure that my step-son went back in the clothes that his mother sent him in. We "lost" a LOT of clothing that we had purchased for my step-son to his mother's house.  We even made sure that my step-son "remembered" to bring back anything that he had worn over to his mother's house. Talk about putting my step-son in the middle of something petty and selfish. But then my husband and I started asking each other, "Who are we buying the clothes for? Us or him?"
They are your daughter's clothes. You got them for her. If she doesn't have "nice" clothing at her mother's house, or her mother sends her over to your home in ratty-tatty stuff, then who should be the one that provides nice clothing for her?
You are her parent. You are SUPPOSED to provide clothing, shoes, school supplies, a roof over her head, food in her belly, etc. If her mother doesn't, then YOU are supposed to step up and help YOUR DAUGHTER in that area. Who do you think she's going to remember did that for her? She's going to remember that YOU were able to set aside your resentment of her mother and your feelings about material possessions and realize that it was HER well-being that you had in mind.
Is it petty? Yes. They are JUST CLOTHES, and they are HER CLOTHES. You got them for HER. How selfish is it that you would prevent her from wearing HER CLOTHES to her mother's home just because you don't want to share HER CLOTHING with her mother?
This web site is supposed to support WHAT'S IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN. Is it in the best interest for your daughter that you make sure she wears the same clothing she came over to your home in because you don't want her wearing her "good" clothes over to her mother's home? Who are you really thinking of when you do things like that? Doesn't sound like your daughter.

Now, I'm going to patiently wait for the mud to fly. Thank you for allowing me to voice my opinion.

[charlie967]

I don't think you are being petty at all.  As a matter of fact, I wish you were my NCP  :-)!!!  

I (CP) have always provided clothes for DS to take while he is at his father's house EOW.  This also included all personal items such as toothbrush etc and some toys.  I always made sure they were nice but kid friendly (parent washer friendly too).  But everytime an outfit either was left behind or he would come home in something that was 2 sizes too small or they were his cousin's clothes (female).  I always asked for the clothes back and sent whatever came from his house back.  It even states in our paperwork that personal items and clothes need to make it back to the house they came from.  So after a few years of doing this we decided to not send clothes other than what he is wearing when he leaves.  But before the summertime visit, DS told me his father told him he did not have any money for clothes and that I needed to bring some for over there.  So I loaded him up with enough clothes for his 31 days with a list of all the clothes, underwear and everything he took.  It all managed to come home.

I wonder sometimes if it's petty too but I do know that the bottom line for me is that I do not want DS to be without clothes that fit him properly and that look nice.  I'm not talking expensive but clothes that are clean and halfway match.  So if I have to send clothes over there, I will and I will continue to ask for them back too as I would hope his father would too if I forget to send them back.  

Those are just my ramblings...sorry it got longer than expected.

Have a good day!!

[smtotwo]

They are MY clothes.  DH's ex REFUSES to send ANY clothes here for the boys.  I buy their clothes not DH.

Best interest of the children?  My 11 yr old ss wets the bed.  The psychomommy refuses to send his nasal spray to our home because
and I quote here "They should wash the sheets if you wet the bed".
She said that to my ss who was 8. EIGHT! I'm sorry there is no best interest of the child with this woman only how do I get the most money
and really screw up their relationship with the kids.
She wouldn't give us any med info.  We finally took him to our family
Dr. and have a spray we keep here. NOW she's mad because she doesn't have any more at home and WE SHOULD send it home because
its for SS.  And she quit her job that had insurance because she thought that they would order DH to provide=more monay for her!  But DH has had the same job for 17 yrs and because of the size of the company they don't offer insurance.  Shes mad NOW because she has to pay 1/2 of ALL med expenses!!



Sadly, the skids know the score because psychomommy told them that
DH wasn't really their dad and her new husband is. We go out of our way not to say anything about her to them, but you can bet they get
an earful both before and after every visit!!

O-K my vent is done.

[dontunderstand]

We buy and keep the clothes here, she goes home in what she came in.  HOWEVER, when SD comes in shoes 2 sizes to small and clothes equally as small we purchase things that go home.  SD has repeatedly told me that BM does NOT want ME washing HER clothes.  So I went with that for a minute, but honestly it is gross, so I don't listen.  Funny BM always tells us that she needs to come back in the walmart clothes that she sent her in, yet the few times she has borrowed DD clothes they never seen another day in our house...and yes it is in the best interest of the child, but how is it in her best interest to take home the things we bought for her and not have nice things here for her?  We even tried to buy school supplies for SD and were ademently told "NO" so there it goes.