Returning Child's Clothes After Visitation

[TPK]

>They are your daughter's clothes. You got them for her. If she
>doesn't have "nice" clothing at her mother's house, or her
>mother sends her over to your home in ratty-tatty stuff, then
>who should be the one that provides nice clothing for her?
>You are her parent. You are SUPPOSED to provide clothing,
>shoes, school supplies, a roof over her head, food in her
>belly, etc. If her mother doesn't, then YOU are supposed to
>step up and help YOUR DAUGHTER in that area.


I never said the clothes wife sent daughter over in were (to quote you) "ratty tatty". Sure they're not Donna Karan, but they're also not ripped, dirty or unsightly.

I have "stepped up", I pay CS EVERY MONTH. I pay enough CS where I'm sure wife spends some on HERSELF too. Don't lecture me on "stepping up" please, that is laughable.






 Who do you think
>she's going to remember did that for her? She's going to
>remember that YOU were able to set aside your resentment of
>her mother and your feelings about material possessions and
>realize that it was HER well-being that you had in mind.

Sure, my daughter is 15 months old. I'm SURE she'll remember Daddy sported the Ralph Lauren and Mom bought at yard sales. My daughter has NO CONCEPT right now of what she's wearing....gimme a break.




>Is it petty? Yes. They are JUST CLOTHES, and they are HER
>CLOTHES. You got them for HER. How selfish is it that you
>would prevent her from wearing HER CLOTHES to her mother's
>home just because you don't want to share HER CLOTHING with
>her mother?

They are MY clothes for HER. If you met my ex, you might agree she deserves nothing. Any woman who takes a child and secrets themselves and daughter from dad for 4 MONTHS deserves nothing. Me selfish???... ha ha, that's a joke pal. The ex is the most selfish self centered miserable human being I've ever met (now you can slam me for marrying her)




>This web site is supposed to support WHAT'S IN THE BEST
>INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN. Is it in the best interest for your
>daughter that you make sure she wears the same clothing she
>came over to your home in because you don't want her wearing
>her "good" clothes over to her mother's home? Who are you
>really thinking of when you do things like that?

Doesn't sound
>like your daughter.

What does that mean? please clarify.

I don't mind sending her back in "good" clothes....just GIVE THEM BACK TO ME and don't "help yourself" to what ISN'T yours.



Please note that you are the only dissenting voice here. My daughter does in fact have nice clothes other than what Mom sends her over in. I know this from Dr. visits and other drop-ins during non-visitation times.


>Now, I'm going to patiently wait for the mud to fly. Thank you
>for allowing me to voice my opinion.

This is America, you can voice your opinion all you want. Just note that nobody else here seems to agree with you. You're alone in your own corner.


TPK

[MYSONSDAD]

Oh. please, give me a break!

Most of us here are dealing with a PBFH, parents who don't give a sh!t, just want the MONEY. We would not have to be here otherwise. CS should cover children's clothing, proper size, seasonal, comfortable.

Our son is sent with sweats in 95 degree weather, 78% humidity. Does that sound like a rational adult? A person fit to parent? In the winter, total reverse, no coat, hat or gloves. NICE.

I take and dress according to the weather, find things he is just about ready to outgrow. If I get it back, fine, if not, no big deal, but our son will be dressed for HIS COMFORT.

The issue with the clothes should not affect the child. Comfort does. And many here have extra clothes for their kids in their homes, because Mommy sure isn't going to send them any. Children KNOW who cares and loves them.

And, most of us have already given all we have, so let's just give some more?. Ex already walked away with House, car, retirement, clothes on our back, tax exemptions, half of personal property, the list could go on.
And then to claim, "I have no money for clothes", how imature.

Must be nice to have someone you can "work with", but for the rest of us, we have to live in the "real world".

[MYSONSDAD]

Washing the clothes and having her wear them back is one thought. I buy a few things from K-mart or Walmart, just for occasions when I did not get to the laundry. The weekends go so fast as it is.

No, you are not being petty. You want your child to feel at home when she is with you, feeling she belongs, having her own clothes at your home, gives her this. Tells her, this is her home too.
 
"Children learn what they live"

[BigFamily]

Well, just to let you all know, who are nay-saying my previous post, I actually "came to my senses" by using an article on this web site about Parental Alienation Syndrome. You all might have even read it yourselves. It's titled, "Questions for Alienators". When I read the questions, I was astonished that I was able to answer "yes" to quite a few of those questions. Let me give you an example of some of the questions (quoted directly from the article):

"B. Signs of Alienation:

1.In Parents

Below are the more common symptoms of parental alienation. Many of these behaviors will look familiar, because some alienation occurs in all divorces. Some symptoms may come as a surprise, because many don't think of the behavior as something that can hurt children. Common symptoms include:

. Supporting the child's refusal to visit the other parent without reason;

. Allowing children to choose whether or not to visit a parent, even though the court has not empowered the parent or children to make that choice;

. Telling the children about why the marriage failed and giving them the details about the divorce settlement;

. Refusing the other parent access to medical and school records or schedules of extracurricular activities;

. Blaming an ex-spouse for not having enough money, changes in lifestyle, or other problems in the children's presence;

. Refusing to acknowledge that the child has personal property and denying the child control over taking personal possessions to the other parent's home;"

Interestingly enough, I was pretty shocked by that last question, to which I could certainly answer "Yes" to. Might want to think about that.

[FLMom]

I gave up the ghost on this issue a long time ago. I'm 5 years post divorce, kids spend about 50/50 between homes now.

Got a call from my son Sunday night. He was cleaning out his closet and was just amazed at all of the things he had found. Clothes, long
outgrown, after more times than I can count of him telling me, "Dad says I have all my clothes over here and I have to bring them all home". Yeah right. I knew darn well what I had bought and sent home with him and his sisters over the years, and there they all were---clothes, shoes, coats, windbreakers, toys, cars, games---you name it.

I'm sure if you add it up, he probably found a few thousand dollars worth of merchandise in the vast wasteland that is a young boy's closet. In my case it wasn't a malicious ex that hid the stuff, it was an ex that allowed a elementary schooler to wash his own clothes and keep track of his own stuff.

Like I said, I gave up on this a long time ago. I'd either see the stuff again or I wouldn't. I just got tired of pettyness, and with it being items that either directly or indirectly belonged to the kids, I had to just let it go or risk becoming a screaming meemee. Do I pay CS? Yup. Am I always robbing the change jar? Yup. I just held onto the hope that one day the kids would get old enough to realize these kinds of little things, and they have.

So this week it's all going to be brough back here---the clothes and shoes that are too small will go to his cousins, there will soon be a bunch of "new" old stuff to do here with all of the toys and junk, and the rest is going to charity.

It's not really an answer on how to deal with this, it's just how I've dealt.

FLMom

[jilly]

My SD doesn't come to our house in ratty tatty clothes or clothes/shoes that are too small for her.  Obvioiusly the child support is being spent to a certain extent for the purpose for which it was intended.

BUT, when she doesn't bring an overnight bag with clothes for the weekend that means I (and I stress the I) have to provide clothes for her to wear when she's with us.  I don't mind doing that.  What I DO mind is having to buy clothes every time I turn around because clothes from our house never made it back from her house.  You may have the financial means to buy clothes more than once a month but I don't.

Heck...I just bought MYSELF a $10.00 dress at Wal-Mart on Saturday (which I look quite smashing in I must say! LOL).  That's the first new outfit I've been able to buy for myself in 2 years.  I make sure that my SD and daughter have the clothes and shoes they need before I even THINK about getting something for myself. My poor husband needs new shirts and pants, but he gets put on the backburner too.  As is so often the case, when it comes to "our" turn, the money is needed for something else.

[MYSONSDAD]

I think you are missing the point here. Read the posts, the kids are coming in clothes that don't fit, no bag sent, improper dressing, we have to supply clothes. WHO IS PASING WHO?

I buy cheap clothes for this purpose, keep the good stuff at my house. How would my son feel if all the clothes are eventually sent home to mommy's house and I have nothing for him at mine. He needs the sense of belonging at my home too.

Our son will ask if he can take something, toys,  to mommys, I tell him that it is his toy, but when he comes back, I ask that he bring it with him so we can play with it when he is with me. Sometimes it comes back, sometimes it does not.

I just got thru with sending him with an expensive toy, Mommy has locked it away, can't find the key. Give me a break, it is the ex who is being selfish. I would consider this Pas.

[4honor]

You handled it well. You returned the clothes BM sent in clean order and you didn't make a huge deal about asking for the other ones back.

Just don't add any fuel to a conflict by reading too much into your ex's comments. She honestly may have forgotten... I think very little about the kids' clothes except to keep track of are they clean and in good repair, or do they need a bigger size. A borrowed piece of clothing is rarely noticed until the second wash through (Dh does the laundry).

Maybe send LO home in several outfits that are not your favorites over the next few visits. When Ex has 3-4 outfits, ask Ex to send child to you IN those clothes -- you can keep track of the outfits and retire them as they get too small, replacing with another. (I only suggest this because the outifts were a gift. If you had to purchase them and send child support, I would not counsel this way.)

In our case, BM is court ordered to send clothing to our home (that is what CS is for per the court). There are a few items we purchase for SS as he never has appropriate shoes or a jacket -- but that is what happens when 14 yo SS packs for himself.  The order saved us nearly $1200 the first year.

Also, we had to outlaw sweats for SS as HIS COMFORT seemed to mean HOLES in his sweats. (Ahhhhh, the things you are going to miss having a girl instead.) But I digress.

Stay civil in all matters, think of your child first when things become frustrating and don't start a fight where none may exist.  However, if you ever have to stand your ground, then do not back down.

[catherine]

I totally disagree with this point ...

 Refusing to acknowledge that the child has personal property and denying the child control over taking personal possessions to the other parent's home;"

due to experience.  MANY, and I mean MANY times we have sent the children with whatever toy they wanted to bring over, only to have it never return again.  Who loses out then?  The child, who only sees their Mother maybe 4 days a month (by her choice, not ours) and can't play with the toy while it sits over there for 26 days unused?  Same goes with clothes.  Of course we sent necessary things like "blankies" but we are over that stage now.

My OSS insisted on bringing his gameboy to Mom's. (he snuck it in his pocket actually) Forgot it there and didn't get it for 3 weeks.  Second time he brought it there, took the cord to his Aunt's house, 3 hours away, and left the recharge cable there.  It's still there.  Oh well, his loss.

Now we only let the kids take things over that WE don't care if they leave over there.

I say when the children are responsible enough, 14 and over, they can bring whatever they want back and forth, but at that level of maturity, they should be accountable for their posessions and the parents should NEVER replace an item if the child forgot it.

[catherine]

You think a 14 year old packing his bag is bad?  When we were NCP's, PB made the 7 yr old pack his bag for him and for his little 3 yr old brother!  We figured out way back then to buy clothes and keep them at our house.

Now we are CP and have a hard time sending the boys clothes over.  She pays CS very spordically and again, many, many times we have sent items over and she keeps them out of spite.  CS doesn't cover replacing a wardorbe every few months!  And it's just so stupid for her to keep the clothes, when she only wanted to see the kids 4 days a month.