Returning Child's Clothes After Visitation

[flewwellin]

You are lucky that you inherited free clothing that fit your daughter that are also really nice quality brands.  Since this seems to be a real issue for you I think you handled it ocorrectly.

However..... Your statement and I quote "I feel like I'm the Salvation Army or something." seems to be out of line.  I am a stepmom myself, and wife to a man who pays child support to a woman for their 2 adorable children.  The way we handle this (our sittuation is probably a lot different from yours, I don't know what you've gone through and really can't say one way or the other if I'd have reacted the same way) the BM in our sittuation actually sends clothes for the kids when we have our parenting time with the kids.  Out of 52 wks a year we are granted 9 of those weeks and only 5 of those are consecutive (the kids live 500+ miles away).  She sends clothing, if we see something that they have out grown or is ripped or whatever and really need replacing we replace it.  It is your duty as a parent to take care of your children and this inclueds clothing and whatever else they need.  If something is ruined while they are with us we replace it also.  I would want her to do the same for us.  I just think that you need to think of it as benefitting your daughter not the ex taking things from you and not returning them.  If this truly bothers you then I suggest you do as you did this last time.  Just use the clothing that she sends your child in.

[wendl]

Well my ex has always sent the kids in dirty ripped clothing when they come to visit, We buy clothes for the kids that stay at our house. We sednd them home in the clothing they came in, I lost a brand new pair of levi's that I let my oss wear home one weekend as he spilled water on the pants from moms.

This time was better, since it has been awhile since we have seen the kids due to us moving, we asked bm to please send 2 outfits or so as we needed to see what sizes they were in now, which she did and it was much appreciated when she sent and overnight bag.

Bottome line is, you pay support for your kids, hence mom should be buying the kids clothes and sending overnight bags. But that is not always the case, I always send my son with enough clothes while he is with his dad or grandparents. You are lucky that your daughter has an aunt who helps out so much.

Send the child back in the clothing that she came in. I am sure you can find another mother whom would appreciate the clothing that you give to her (if or when the child outgrows them) I used to take them to a local shelter for highschool mothers. They always thanked us and the older kids always drew a thank you card.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[c_alexander]

I had BIG problems with this. Seemed like mommy only sent our daughter in dirty play clothes, but when i returned her in good clothes they got put in mommys closet. When i would ask fo rthem back we ended up in an arguement because she would say the clothes were hers not mine. I solved the problem by asking mommy to send clothes with our daughter and I would send her back with the all of the clothes she sent. Making sure they were washed upon being returned....much like what you are doing.

It's really sad that these people resort to tricks like this to squeeze us for a few more bucks here or there.

[wysiwyg]

Here's our story.  We would usually be BM house when she would get home in her car.  She would take child out of the car grab him by the hood of his navy blue down jacket and drag him in the house.  Make BF get out of the car to come to the door even though she  saw us in driveway and pulled up beside us.   BM sends child out the door in old worn for several years hand me down brown torn jacket.  When we complained in court the judge said that "unless she sends the child out the door naked" then he would not rule on anything else.

Fast forward to years later, mom refuses to send ANY clothes with child when he is with us for the weekend, and only 2 changes of clothes for 2-3 weeks in summer.  Then she has the B++++ to write in a letter to wash the clothes nightly so he has a clean set daily, and on weekends we are supposed to wash his clothes every night so he has something to wear the next day.  We too have bought clothes, but BM has ingrained in his head that our "clothes" are bad and "not what he likes" therefore we are "useless".  Clothes that have been purchased or sent as gifts and allowed child to wear home and never returned despite court ordering her to do so and letters asking nicely to please return since they were gifts from siblings and family.  

[metamorphosis]

My stepsons' BM refuses to send the boys with any clothes even for our 6 week summer visitation.  She sends them over in clothes way too small, or ripped for them.  I go buy new clothes and send them home, and never see them again.  I have probably spent more money on their clothes this year than my 3 daughters because she has about a 3 year backlog of old clothes and she keeps sending them over in them.  They are never dressed appropriately for the season either.  My 8 yr old step son was in a size 2T pair of underwear a couple of months ago!
Unfortunately, she won't work, so she spends the child support on clothes for her so she "can get a job."  So we still take the old clothes she sends them in, throw them away, and send them home in the new clothes.  There are a few outfits I won't let them take back to her house, but for the most part they can take what they want so they have nice clothes to wear to school.  They are only here for eow and summers.
Hopefully that will change soon.

[c_alexander]

" We too have bought clothes, but BM has ingrained in his head that our "clothes" are bad and "not what he likes" therefore we are "useless"."

Personally I wouldn't give the child a choice. It is either wear what is provided or go naked. Kids sometimes play these games especially in divorced households to gain attention or what they want.

I'd also start sending the child home naked if the mother can't provide clothing. Obviously the mother has to she him in something. I would make the child change into your clothes when you get htem ion weekend and send him back in the clothes that she sent him in when you return him. If you make him change the moment you get him then the clothes will still be clean enough to send him back in.

Bottom line if mommy doesn't like it she can be more reasonable. Don't let her ignorance and pettiness bring you down.

[VegasMom77]

I agree with you. My fiance' and I did that for several months, sending her back with the same clothes she arrived it. It was very time consuming to do a separate load of laundry every night just to send her back in the same outfit because BM was so concerned about her labels.

We came to this conclusion. The child is well dressed at both homes and is not lacking in this area. However, we want to teach her good hygeine habits now and not later. She will not wear the same outfit two days in a row. She will wear a different outfit, underwear and socks. The only thing that we send back that is the same are her shoes. We informed BM of this and while she complains a little bit, it gives the child a lot more freedom when she wants to pick her own outfit the next morning.

When you spend thousands of dollars on attorneys to fight for a smidge of visitation, the last thing you ever want to do is balk over something as simple as clothing. My fiance' gets to see her. THAT is what he's fighting for, not for the right to have her clothing.



>I used to make sure that my step-son went back in the clothes
>that his mother sent him in. We "lost" a LOT of clothing that
>we had purchased for my step-son to his mother's house.  We
>even made sure that my step-son "remembered" to bring back
>anything that he had worn over to his mother's house. Talk
>about putting my step-son in the middle of something petty and
>selfish. But then my husband and I started asking each other,
>"Who are we buying the clothes for? Us or him?"
>They are your daughter's clothes. You got them for her. If she
>doesn't have "nice" clothing at her mother's house, or her
>mother sends her over to your home in ratty-tatty stuff, then
>who should be the one that provides nice clothing for her?
>You are her parent. You are SUPPOSED to provide clothing,
>shoes, school supplies, a roof over her head, food in her
>belly, etc. If her mother doesn't, then YOU are supposed to
>step up and help YOUR DAUGHTER in that area. Who do you think
>she's going to remember did that for her? She's going to
>remember that YOU were able to set aside your resentment of
>her mother and your feelings about material possessions and
>realize that it was HER well-being that you had in mind.
>Is it petty? Yes. They are JUST CLOTHES, and they are HER
>CLOTHES. You got them for HER. How selfish is it that you
>would prevent her from wearing HER CLOTHES to her mother's
>home just because you don't want to share HER CLOTHING with
>her mother?
>This web site is supposed to support WHAT'S IN THE BEST
>INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN. Is it in the best interest for your
>daughter that you make sure she wears the same clothing she
>came over to your home in because you don't want her wearing
>her "good" clothes over to her mother's home? Who are you
>really thinking of when you do things like that? Doesn't sound
>like your daughter.
>
>Now, I'm going to patiently wait for the mud to fly. Thank you
>for allowing me to voice my opinion.

[SEM]

If there was no "primary" parent and everything was on the up-and-up, having a parent not return clothing would maybe be classified as a "hassle".  

However, when one parent is basically removed from their child's life against their will and against the child's "best interest", these "hassles" are magnified!  The power struggle that ends so many marriages is perpetuated by court decree.    

Like TPK, my daughter had boxes of great quality clothing handed down from my sister's kids.  Each parent has a home with a room for our daughter complete with toys, clothes, etc.  When property was divided, I looked for and requested the boxes of clothes.  As you may have guessed, child's mom didn't have any idea where they were.  However, three years after separation, my daughter continues to show up wearing these clothes, (my niece's initials are in everything).  

Isn't it obvious to people that abuse of power is at the root of these types of struggles?  "Them's that have it, keep it" as they say.  IMHO, besides being best for children, equal parenting limits a parent's abuse of power and reduces conflict.  

Respectfully,
SEM

[mc24]

The BM in our case does the same thing.  She didn't send SD in any nice clothes, ever.  Always something too small, etc.  Well, we decided a long time ago not to let it bother us.  I really think that a lot of times (and definitely in our case) they do things like this just to try to get a rise out of you.  It was not that big of a deal to buy a few outfits for SD, and when she was pretty young and we picked her clothes, we never got the cute stuff back.  That was a pain.  But it drove BM crazy that we never said anything about it.  That was fun!  ;)  Now that she picks her own clothes (with us), she has the freedom to choose her own style.  BM does not like her style, and therefore we get back just about all the clothes we buy.  I guess what I'm saying is don't let stuff like this get to you and I think that attitude will work to your benefit in the end.

[SEM]

I like what you said.  
Parents who remain "engaged" in conflict can not STAND it when they do not get a rise out of you.  Just document what they do...but remain cool as a clam.  They will either:
A.) Stop the petty BS or (more likely)
B.) Try harder to get a rise out of you by doing something more overt.

Either way, you win.  They either quit being petty or eventually do something really stupid that you can use to prove contempt, etc.  It's HARD when you miss your kids but sometimes the best revenge is having a good life despite someone's efforts otherwise.  Be firm and cool about your boundaries but do not "react" the way she/he wants you to.

Peace,
SEM