2 issues; desperately need HELP!

[Jerry8a]

Hi, my name is Jerry and I am new to this site. I went online to find any info I could about "Father's Rights" and stumbled on across this site. I am 33 years old, happily married, with an 18 month old son with my new wife. I have two older daughters, one almost 9 from an ex-girlfriend, and a 6 1/2 year old with my ex-wife. Here are my situations:

1) The 9 year old (I'll call her "V"); her mother and I parted ways before I ever knew she was pregnant and I didn't find out until she was about 7 months along. By then we had gone our seperate ways and she decided she didn't want me involved in the baby's life. For the first 3 years, I was part of her life as much as I could be, but other then making monthly child support payments, I had no custody/visitation established with the courts. When V turned 3 her mother got married and had 2 more kids with her husband; all this time V grew up knowing her stepdad as "dad". My ex-girlfriend was very good at "disappearing" and then "reappearing" when it was convienient, which made it almost impossible to locate her at times. Her relationship has been on again/off again with her husband, and she has subjected the kids to a few live-in boyfriends. The only way I have had contact with her is by literally "bumping" into her or her husband and getting their #. Adoption had been brought up to me several times by her and her husband; about 5 months ago her husband joined the military and recently got stationed back east. Trying to decide what was in V's best interest, and b/c I had missed out on so many years with her, I signed the adoption papers. Last week her mother called me and told me that she told V about me and her half sister and brother, and said she wanted to meet us, so we set up a play date in the park. V hit it off immediately with myself and the kids, and ended up staying the night at my house. Since then, she has been over to my house several times, and we've talked on the phone almost everyday. V told me that she wanted to come and live with me to get to know her new family better. My wife and I agreed that it would be in V's best interest to move with her family, but fly back on school holidays to visit. I discussed this with V's mother, and she agreed, said we could sit down and write out a parenting schedule. I told her that I wanted to take the schedule to court just to get ity approved by a judge so it would be on paper. My concern is, they leave on 12 Sept, I have tried to pin her down for a date to go to the courthouse, but for one reason or another, she keeps putting it off, says her only free day is Tuesday which is just a few days before they leave. I am on a very limited budget with very limited time to do anything. I need some advice, I don't want to lose my little girl again.

2) I share joint legal/physical custody of my 6 1/2 year old (I'll call her "J") with my ex-wife. She is with me, my wife, and half-brother half of the time and with her mother, stepdad, stepsister, and half-brother the other half of the time. Her mother has been EXTREMELY neglectful over the past few years regarding J's medical, dental, school, and her mental health. J was diagnosed with ADHD almost 2 years ago, and her mother constantly forgets to give J her meds which has made things twice as hard for her at home and school. A few months ago J suffered a six foot fall out of her bunk bed while in her mother's care, thankfully it only resulted in deep tissue injuries and nothing more serious. CPS was involved and concerned, but they said since J's mother provides her basic needs they couldn't pull her out of the home. I was able to qualify for a volunteer lawyer who will be representing me at court on 9 Sept. When my ex-wife and I went to mediation, she did not agree with the parenting plan that I thought was in J's best interest, so now we are at an impass. J needs to be in a structured home for her benefit. The bouncing back and forth between 2 different homes has got her totally confused. Her mother has not participated in her life for quite a few years and it has steadily been getting worse. I am thankful for my wife, she has really stepped up to the plate and taken care of J the way a mother should, but I still worry about her b/c she is affected by everything her mother does or should I say doesn't do. J has been in therapy for quite a while now, and her mother has not shown up to any appointments. We do everything we possibly can for her in our household, and I know I cannot change anything about my ex-wife's household, but I feel helpless b/c I can't help J any more than I already am. She's such a sad little girl and I can't make her pain go away. If you have any advice, please share. I apologize for being longwinded, but it feels good to vent. Thanks for listening.

[FleetingMoment]

You should just leave it all alone.  You run around making three babies with three mommies and then you want to pull the whole lot together under your roof now? WRONG.

P.S. Vasectomy is the way to go.

[Stepmom0418]

I myself have to disagree!! From what was posted here this father wants now and wanted in the past to be a part of his kids' lives!! Why shouldnt he be allowed??

I just coulnt believe the post that I just read OMG how wrong that someone could say such things to someone that was asking for help!! He wants to be a part of their lives!!

[MYSONSDAD]

Your ignorance is showing...

"Children learn what they live"

[MYSONSDAD]

You have come to the right place, WELCOME. So many here have simular situations and will give you good advise on how to proceed.

Ignore FLEETING MOMENT. This person is not a regular.

I think you are headed in the right direction and care about your children.

This will get you started:

See "Tips for Getting Started" at http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

"Emergency First Aid" section of the Articles page, http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/articles.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pasarchive.htm  

"Tips on Keeping Documentation" at http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips1.htm

 

 
"Children learn what they live"

[joni]

maybe because he's the only one who can pull it altogether.  you sound very bitter, so quick to judge.

Every Moment Does Counts....Why Don't You Just Go Away.

[wendl]

Welcome.

Read everyything you can on this site, talk to J's counselor and see how the counselor feels about how J is behaving etc.

Speak with the school, and drs etc.

Document Document

Also don't I personally wouldn't feel comfortable witha  a volunteer lawyers unless you have seen this person in action, go to the court and watch this lawyer, sometimes is worse to have useless attorney than no attorney.

Educate yourself on the laws.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[FleetingMoment]

I had missed out on so many years with her,
>I signed the adoption papers.  

Signs the adoption papers, no more child support... NOW he wants a parenting plan? Well of course, why not? Someone else is paying for this kid now.

>2) I share joint legal/physical custody of my 6 1/2 year old
>(I'll call her "J") with my ex-wife. ....Her mother has been EXTREMELY neglectful over the past
>few years regarding J's medical, dental, school, and her
>mental health. J was diagnosed with ADHD almost 2 years ago,
>and her mother constantly forgets to give J her meds which has
>made things twice as hard for her at home and school.

That's YOUR side of the story. And doubtful. Like so many fighting for 50/50 joint physical custody, which fails 90% of the time, you are just now realizing J's better off in one home? Egads.

A few
>months ago J suffered a six foot fall out of her bunk bed
>while in her mother's care, thankfully it only resulted in
>deep tissue injuries and nothing more serious. CPS was
>involved and concerned, but they said since J's mother
>provides her basic needs they couldn't pull her out of the
>home.

I'm not surprised. Kids fall out of bunk beds all the time. It's not neglect. Why would the CPS want to take a kid away from her mother for a one time accidental fall?  


I know I cannot change anything about my
>ex-wife's household, but I feel helpless b/c I can't help J
>any more than I already am. She's such a sad little girl and I
>can't make her pain go away. If you have any advice, please
>share. I apologize for being longwinded, but it feels good to
>vent. Thanks for listening.

You're going to cause her even more pain by trying to get sole custody. Children need both parents. You got what you wanted with your 50/50, but it's not enough, is it? A volunteer lawyer? What does that tell us? That you're having financial difficulties? You got out of support of one, and now you want to get out of 2 by trying for full custody and getting the momma to pay you CS?

I still say, vasectomy is the way to go. I can't imagine putting a "fourth" child through this.

[nosonew]

Fleeting moment...people are not here for this type of criticism...advice such as you suggest is ridiculous.  

To the dad...do what you can.  Your court date is coming up fast, just be prepared.  Make sure you have all the documentation needed, as well as any witnesses, and pray your volunteer atty is good!  

The first situation is likely out of your hands if the adoption took place.  Do you know if it did or not?  That could be your only hope, which is also perhaps why mom is stalling...to get the paperwork done.  Check it out.

And good luck!

[MYSONSDAD]

"For the first 3 years, I was part of her life as much as I could be, but other then making monthly child support payments, I had no custody/visitation established with the courts."

This says to me that there was no visitation set up thru the courts.
 
"Adoption had been brought up to me several times by her and her husband; about 5 months ago her husband joined the military and recently got stationed back east. Trying to decide what was in V's best interest, and b/c I had missed out on so many years with her, I signed the adoption papers."

Anyone in the military will tell you they have no control on where they are deployed. This situation was out of his hands and he was trying to do what was best for his daughter.
 
"Last week her mother called me and told me that she told V about me and her half sister and brother, and said she wanted to meet us, so we set up a play date in the park. V hit it off immediately with myself and the kids, and ended up staying the night at my house. Since then, she has been over to my house several times, and we've talked on the phone almost everyday. V told me that she wanted to come and live with me to get to know her new family better. My wife and I agreed that it would be in V's best interest to move with her family, but fly back on school holidays to visit"

Again, putting his daughter before his own interests.

"I told her that I wanted to take the schedule to court just to get it approved by a judge so it would be on paper"

Trying now to take more of a legal route to insure his parenting time.

"I share joint legal/physical custody of my 6 1/2 year old (I'll call her "J") with my ex-wife
J has been in therapy for quite a while now, and her mother has not shown up to any appointments."

Now what does this say? He is a fit parent, with joint legal and physical. Mother does not go to therapy.

Here is what I see:

a. you are here to cause conflict

b. you are a very depressed person who enjoys misery

c. you do not read the entire post

d. you are anti-male

e. you need a reality check
 
F. ALL OF THE ABOVE

"Children learn what they live"