Question

[Angus571]

I walked out on my wife and two girls five years ago, complete with divorce.  My ex has full custody and is the custodial parent.  Last year I came back and my ex started giving me weekends, slowly at first and now it is a given.

My question is; since I have returned  and set a standard visitation schedule, is that enough for custody modification?

Ex and I are still not on good terms, so any change will have to go through the legal system.  What are my chances?

[Davy]

My first thought is that the girls have their father in their life again.  Apparently the mother somewhat realizes the value of your presence and IMHO, it is a great benefit for the girls to have both parents.  So many children are not as fortunate.

Under the circumstances you have described it is most likely a court will continue, at the very minimum, the girls current access so your chances should be considered excellent for a custody mod.

It is possible to have a legal agreement and at the same time prevent the girls parents from entering a costly adverserial system where things can easily go south for all parties and to a place there is no winners ... just losers.

Do everything you can so that the parents labor benefit the children rather than the courts and attorneys.

[Gestalt]

I couldn't agree with Davy more!

Additionally, what are you wanting to happen? Are you wanting a formalization of what you have been practicing? Mom may not be against stipulating to that.

[Angus571]

I would like to get 50/50 custody, don't know if I have a chance though.  I understand for 5 years I haven't been involved with school, doctors, etc, etc.  Plus I owe 17,000$ in child support.  Don't know if I could get that with my past?

[shaden3]

While you note that ex and you are not on good terms, it seems that you believe the legal system is the only recourse. It's okay to rethink that one - ex has validated the importance of you as a dad in child's life. There is always hope for improved communication and bettered relationship. Times are tough, this is certain. But is it possible for you to pull yourself out of the arrearage? This is often seen as an important symbolic move by the custodial parent that the noncustodial intends to partner up financially and emotionally for the child.

Have you considered mediation? It could bring you a written agreement that may or may not (according to what you seek) be encorporated into an order of the court - but written by the parents and created through brainstorming together.

[Gestalt]

While you note that ex and you are not on good terms, it seems that you believe the legal system is the only recourse. It's okay to rethink that one - ex has validated the importance of you as a dad in child's life. There is always hope for improved communication and bettered relationship. Times are tough, this is certain. But is it possible for you to pull yourself out of the arrearage? This is often seen as an important symbolic move by the custodial parent that the noncustodial intends to partner up financially and emotionally for the child.

Have you considered mediation? It could bring you a written agreement that may or may not (according to what you seek) be encorporated into an order of the court - but written by the parents and created through brainstorming together.

I think this is a great idea, also- mom may balk at 50/50 right away- because, as you said, you've been MIA....but if you agree to less time than you actually want now (like formalizing what you have been doing) but the agreement is part of a graduated schedule that over the next 2 years (arbitrary #) works up to 50/50...that might be acceptable to mom.

Any time the parents can work out an acceptable agreement rather than having the court determine what will happen- all parties tend to be happier- and end up spending WAY less.

[Angus571]

I've done a good job of keeping things between us difficult, I lawyered up and had her served without discussing it with her.  I think that put her over the top.  Since, we have a court ordered parenting plan and then we had a settlement meeting where I lost one of the weekends out of the month.

[shaden3]

I've done a good job of keeping things between us difficult, I lawyered up and had her served without discussing it with her.  I think that put her over the top.  Since, we have a court ordered parenting plan and then we had a settlement meeting where I lost one of the weekends out of the month.

It takes a lot of fortitude and strength to do what you are doing now, and admitting that you have done things in the past that have made things difficult at present is a good place to start. Sometimes people want things that are quite simple, but we don't know what those things are without asking. Continue on your good path to be involved with your children; things can always improve with taking the first step of admitting you wish you had handled things better. Letting mom know this may bring you surprisingly positive results, too. Ask what her concerns are, handle them one at a time, express what your needs and concerns are, work together, and the future will be brighter than the past. Much luck to you.

[Davy]

Angus,

I'm curious why the girls would lose one weekend per month with a parent.  Could uou please expound ?  Thanks !

[Angus571]

I had everyweekend, this allowed the girls weekend time with their mother and her side of the family.

They presented a letter from the school stating that since I have entered the girls lives, there school grades have dropped.