Mom is "missing", what can I do?

[missmyson]

We recently settled on a custodyy arrangement, and I have been taking care of my 1 year old son every other weekend, and almost every other day during the evening. (so I should change my Username :) ...)
 
Anyway, Mom disappeared 12 days ago, saying she was looking to go into treatment for addiction/ mental health issues.  She has since contacted me via text message saying she was in treatment, but refuses to say where, or to have anyone verify this.  She lives with her parents and they also have requested that she verify it with them, but she will not.  As she is using her cell-phone at 2:00 in the morning we don't think she is actually in treatment.  

Her parents told me that they could only take care of him for a couple more weeks- unless they feel that she is in treatment.  Otherwise I will have to take him full time - which I welcome.  The problem there is that the support comes out of my check (current - no arrears owed) and I will need that stopped to pay for 2-3 days daycare so that I can keep my job.  

Should I file an Emergency Motion to modify custody based on the fact that Mom has been gone for 12 days?  I have many text messages in my phone to verify that she is gone, and admitting to needing treatment, and being diagnosed with several mental disorders.  If she is in treatment, the court can find out, and then we can all decide what to do based on that information.  If she is not, then our son needs to be where his parent can take better care of him.  

If I can't file an emergency motion, then what would happen to a regular modification motion based on her absence - when she returns during the proceedings.  This kind of motion can take time, so she will probably resurface during the proceedings.  Will that derail the whole thing?

The money can be a seperate issue, as I could go into debt while I await the outcome of court proceedings.

I have already spent everything I could on the lawyer for the settlement, so I have to do this on my own.

Please help.  I need to know what to do next week.  I am afraid that if I do nothing, and she returns, she may disappear with the child.  If not, then we are all just waiting for her next run, and the child will continue to grow up in a very unstable, unloving, fearful environment.    

[Jade]

>We recently settled on a custodyy arrangement, and I have
>been taking care of my 1 year old son every other weekend, and
>almost every other day during the evening. (so I should change
>my Username :) ...)
>
>Anyway, Mom disappeared 12 days ago, saying she was looking to
>go into treatment for addiction/ mental health issues.  She
>has since contacted me via text message saying she was in
>treatment, but refuses to say where, or to have anyone verify
>this.  She lives with her parents and they also have requested
>that she verify it with them, but she will not.  As she is
>using her cell-phone at 2:00 in the morning we don't think she
>is actually in treatment.  
>
>Her parents told me that they could only take care of him for
>a couple more weeks- unless they feel that she is in
>treatment.  Otherwise I will have to take him full time -
>which I welcome.  The problem there is that the support comes
>out of my check (current - no arrears owed) and I will need
>that stopped to pay for 2-3 days daycare so that I can keep my
>job.  
>
>Should I file an Emergency Motion to modify custody based on
>the fact that Mom has been gone for 12 days?  I have many text
>messages in my phone to verify that she is gone, and admitting
>to needing treatment, and being diagnosed with several mental
>disorders.  If she is in treatment, the court can find out,
>and then we can all decide what to do based on that
>information.  If she is not, then our son needs to be where
>his parent can take better care of him.  
>
>If I can't file an emergency motion, then what would happen to
>a regular modification motion based on her absence - when she
>returns during the proceedings.  This kind of motion can take
>time, so she will probably resurface during the proceedings.
>Will that derail the whole thing?
>
>The money can be a seperate issue, as I could go into debt
>while I await the outcome of court proceedings.
>
>I have already spent everything I could on the lawyer for the
>settlement, so I have to do this on my own.
>
>Please help.  I need to know what to do next week.  I am
>afraid that if I do nothing, and she returns, she may
>disappear with the child.  If not, then we are all just
>waiting for her next run, and the child will continue to grow
>up in a very unstable, unloving, fearful environment.    

You need to file for emergency custody and include having the child support stopped as you would have custody.  Contact your attorney (and if you don't have one, get one) first thing Monday morning.  

You really do need to act fast.  Once you get temporary custody, fight to have the visits supervised until she can prove that she is no longer using drugs.  Your child's safety is priority.  Good luck.

[missmyson]

I am afraid to proceed, because of my Ex's potential wrath, the judge may see me as being an opportunist and that could be held against me later.  I don't know what to do.

BM has texted that she will be out on May 28th, so will the judge just ask me why I didn't wait for her to get out?  Might the judge just say," lets wait and see if she returns"?  Her parents are not likely to come to court with me to testify as to the situation, so the opnly evidence I will have will be the missing person report, and the text messages on my cellphone in which she says she is in treatment and she will be back the 28th.  

Will this be enough evidence?  

Could somebody PLEASE tell me what to do ?? I feel like my son's future could be forever changed by my going to court, or not going.  If I do not prevail, BM could make things very difficult for my son and I.  She is not well, and likes to spend all day on the phone causing trouble for people.  I have always paid support, and am very active in my son's life.  I am 100% clean and sober - but have 2 DUI's on my record from 4-8 years ago (that's what it took for me to "get it") .

I have read that if Mom is in prison I could just not return the child to the grandparents, and go to court for emergency custody hearing based on not being able to return the child to his mother- and prevail.  Does this apply in my case?  Is it that simple?  What kind of evidence do I need?

[mistoffolees]

Contact a local attorney. They will give you better advice on a complicated issue like this than you'll get here.

[Davy]

OK !

The mother, the court, the attorneys and perhaps the grandparents have all been party to creating a situation that endangers children and
places fathers between a rock and a hardspot while trying to maintain themselves while maintaining and protecting their child(ren).  

You are not alone. It is entirely up to you to assure your son's well being and you have a far greater AUTHORITY to do so then any of the aforementioned.  

Another way to look at things is that you and your son do not exist for the promotion of others self serving egos.

It is best to coorperate with all but always be firm.  

Take full time custody of the child - find a way.

Stop all CS payments immediately (thru the agency) OR whatever it takes.

The grandparents knowingly or unknowingly providing the mechanism for their daughters behavior.  They are unable to supervise future visitations.

Don't worry about the mother's wrath.  Let her be responsible for making her own arrangments if and when she reappears.

If you can't find a way to do the above on your own then obtain counsel to do it - it should be a walk in the park (ie UNCONTESTED).

There is not a decent human being that can find fault with you for taking these actions ... but a lot that will for doing nothing.
   

[missmyson]

The "missing" ex has texted to say she will return Wednesday the 30th.  Her parents say that If she is not back by the 1st, they will help me go to court, but I don't know if they will follow through.  She still will not say where she is, or otherwise provide any proof she is in treatment.  I think she's just running around.  

If I go before the judge with the present situation, won't he just say that we should wait until the end of the week to see if she returns?   If I enter an emergency motion for custody, I think he will say it is not an emergency because she says she is returning in a couple of days.  

I very much want to make sure that our son has the best, most stable and safe childhood possible.  However, I am very unsure about what to do to make that happen.  

If the parents don't help, the only evidence I have of the situation is the missing person's report and my cell phone text messages.  Would the judge use those messages in court?  

Should I keep him after the weekend visitation and go to court Tuesday to enter an emergency motion for change of custody?  Should I just wait and enter a motion for modification of custody after she returns - based on the change in circumstance that she had disappeared for 3 weeks, and is presently unable to function normally due to her alcoholism and other mental problems?  Would a judge subpeona mental health records for a trial?

I am so afraid to do anything because the system seems so against me as a father.  I am afraid that the result will be that she will prevail, and just be smarter about everything in the future.  She will probably move far away ( her disease will compel her) and find every way to give me a hard time.  

PLease help.  I feel like I have the opportunity to change my son's life in a positive way, and I am letting it slip away because of my stupid fears.

[ocean]

No, go get emergency temporary custody now. Since ex is in a treatment center, this is your opportunity to get it. Once she is out, then she can just say that you were "watching him".  When she is released she should have to continue any medication or counseling in order to have access to the child.

Good luck!

[Sunshine1]

Did you go down today and file or give him back to the grandparents?

[missmyson]

I brought him back.  I was sooo close to doing it, but I talked to my family and they thought I should wait and see if she comes back this week, then if she has no proof she was in treatment, proceed from there.  I feel like a weakling for having done so.  I was also thinking of our wonderful police, who have not made good decisions in the past regarding this whole thing.  I need to check with them before I do anything, I guess.  

But I have to do something.  I am sorry for having not taken your advice regarding the emergency custody.  But I would still like to know what is the best thing to do from this point.  If she comes back this week with no proof that she was in treatment, then all she did is disappear from her child for 3 weeks- leaving no info as to where she is, and only telling us of her return 2 weeks into the disappearence.  Her parents were not left money to provide for him.  

There must be something I can do.

Thank-you  :)

[Davy]

Missmyson,

I hope for son and all his family to make solid decisions on his behalf concerning his welfare.  I also hope for his mother in all her irrational behavior and outrageousness that leads to manipulating EVERYONE around.

Normally, the loved ones of those involved in any treatment would be notified immediately.  More importantly, those needing treatment do not usually volunteer for treatment but require force (ie prison time, etc).  

I'm not an alarmist but it would be best that NOBODY (family and authorities) allow this mother to leave with this child.  She may be under the emotional control of complete strangers.  She may leave the next time with the child in tow then proceed to spend the money meant to support the child on drugs and alcohol.....

BTW, you are not unique in your feeling of weakness.  I dare say that many (or most) fathers experience the same feeling --- constantly and continuesly between a rock and a hard spot on each and every issue.
You are OK !!

The best you can do for your son is to focus on him with the support of all family and the authorities.