ex changed her mind after summer plans were made?

[itsalluphillfromhere]

Looking for opinions.

I get my kids two weeks per summer. In March my ex. agreed to extend one of my weeks by 4 days along with me agreeing to give her memorial day and labor day. (this was all agreed to in e-mail) She has now changed her mind and decided to stick to the court order. I had planned to visit with Family out of state which I do every year. The problem is that my relatives already paid for plane tickets and they are non-refundable. My kids were looking forward to this trip.

THe last time something like this happened my ex. decided that the kids soccer equipment she buys them is not going to come to my house. I finally explained to her that if she did not send it she could explain to them why they were not going to play soccer on my time. she relented and sent the shoes etc.. My children did find out about this through her and I know they just didn't want to have to hear about it.

What should I do about the fact that they are not going to go on vacation?

[ocean]

Send her this by email:
ex,
As you know we agreed to alternative plans for your memorial day and my summer vacation. Plane tickets were bought according to the email agreement dated xxx. Please respond to me by email by Friday June 2nd at 1pm if you are allowing the children to come with me from xx to xx as agreed upon or I will seek court intervention for the cost to change the plane tickets.
You

Then call the airlines and see if they can credit you or change the dates ...you can even get quote of change in price and add that to email. See if that changes her mind. IF not, always stick to your court order in the future and you can give this as an example if she asks later on as to why you wont switch.

[itsalluphillfromhere]

She knows this is not part of the court order so there is nothing I can do about it. She is also not a very nice person so sending her an e-mail threatening her in any manner will just make her happy that she is getting to me.    At the moment she is very angry with me because she was fired from work and having money troubles and in her words I only pay the minimum I owe for child support.

What I want to send her is the following.

XXXX


"Please explain to the children that they will not be going on vacation this summer with their cousins or I will let them know why they are not going" 


This type of action has been the only thing that has worked in the past.  i.e. the soccer gear.  Unfortunately, this does somehow wind it's way to the children but I have had no choice.  That said, in the beginning, the boys hated me for several months.  When I finally got them to tell me why they told me all about how I was not giving mom any money.  I finally broke down and showed them copies of the checks I sent her.  Along with some e-mails between here and I dealing with the issue.  The boys and I had a long talk and everything was fine after that.

Her go-to excuse for changing things is that the children are happy with the time that they spend with me and it's more important that they spend time with friends and that they don't really want to spend time with dad and never request more time.  Which does not align with what my kids say to me every time they leave my house which is " ahh can't we spend more time"  My oldest (12) came to me a couple of months ago and told me that he does not ask her for more time with me because he is scared that she will get mad.  My response was don't ask it's an adult issue.

All that said I'm sure if I send the above e-mail I will likely get her to cave because she knows the kids will be very upset with her. 

[ocean]

ok then how about:

Ex,
I booked plane tickets according to the dates we agreed to. You can explain to the children why they will not be going on vacation with me if you do not allow them to go. I will no longer entertain any changes to the court order as you do not stick to the changes. Please let me know by Friday as I will cancel their plane reservations.
You

[itsalluphillfromhere]

That is my intent - what stinks is that the kids will now get involved but I really don't see any other option.  Other than lying to the kids and telling them something like their uncle had to work so we can't visit this year.  that said they have known about this trip for a long time and talk to their cousins all the time so the only thing that is going to do is get me caught in a lie.

[ocean]

You mentioned 12 years old and that is old enough for some truth. Do you have phone contact? text? social media? You can just text them too "hey, dad bought the airline tickets to see uncle xx back in xx, I am talking to mom to see if you can still go on those dates" or something like that?

[itsalluphillfromhere]

yes, I got them phones and talk and text with them all the time.   I'm thinking I stand the best chance of getting her to keep to her side of the bargain by telling the boys exactly what you said.  The part that sucks is that they are now going to be involved and feel her anger not to mention they will probably recognize they are being used by me to get this done.
E-mailing her won't work.  I see them tomorrow and can also just talk to them about it.

Honestly, I think they will probably be okay with her anger because they have been looking forward to this trip all year.

[ocean]

Oh then wait until tomorrow and talk to kids, then while they are with you , you can text her that you talked to the kids about the vacation and that they want to go and it is up to you.
Also call the airlines, non-refundable sometimes you can change dates (maybe with a fee) just cant get your money back. Sometimes you can get a credit for next trip and not your money back. Depends on airlines....southwest and jetblue are good and will allow the change or credit....

[MixedBag]

Is the extra four days at the beginning or end of your normal time with the kids?

If it's at the end, I'd simply continue with your plans and say "you agreed to this and showed intent to agree by using Memorial Day weekend" 

And from here on out, never agree to a change until YOU get the time first and then she can have the time she wants afterwards.....because she can't be trusted.

[tigger]

She knows this is not part of the court order so there is nothing I can do about it.

Check again.  There may be a line in the orders that says something like "and other times as mutually agreed to by the parties".  If so, then you're covered because it is part of the court order as you have emails stating the agreement.  Did she take Memorial Day?  If so, then she is bound by the agreement. 

As much as you would like to keep the kids out of it, they are a part of it and will be more and more as they get older and their schedules get more complicated.