How should I prepare, for mediation etc...

[Tchmymnd]

My daughters father has not been a consistent part of her life.  He is now working on filing to get a parenting plan going, which will lead to Legal Custody being established.

I need to know how I should prepare for this? If there is anything I should do, how I can appear to look "on top of things" if possible, what I can expect, how reasonable my requests might be.

I have wanted him to take take on responsibility for her, and now I am scared, I have read, and heard many experiences, and I am just scared.

Thanks!

Becky

[Kitty C.]

Well, he's doing exactly what you wanted, so what's the problem?  If he wants to be a parent, he should be allowed that chance.  His offering a parenting plan means that he's serious about his intent and his determination to his child.  All I can suggest is you do the same.  You both need to learn to effectively co-parent for the sake of your child.  She needs both of you in her life.

[joni]

are your intentions not sincere with regards to him being in her life?  are you afraid he's going to take her away from you?

the way you have to approach this is of generosity and the best interest of your child.  AMEN that he's finally stepping up to the plate.

as you'll read on this board, it's nearly impossible to take a child away from the mother, even if the mother is a crack addict...SO RELAX, that's not going to happen.

prove to the judge that you're a caring mom who wants dad in the life.  go in with your own parenting plan, be very specific about the assignment of days, pick up/drop off time, holidays.  hopefully, yours and dads plans will match.

don't buy into the BS of gradually allowing visitation over time, be done with it, give him what he's entitled to and move on with your life.

time will tell...he'll be a great dad, there'll be no tension, your child will be thrilled to be around daddy, there will be no problems.

or...dad will hang himself, given enough rope, and drop off again.  that will be sad, I hope not for your child's sake.

and remember..........this is all about your child and no matter what you think about this guy....he is her daddy and all girls need their daddys.  don't destroy her dreams.  that's not your job...or your responsibility.

[StPaulieGirl]

A couple of questions for you.  How old is your daughter, and how much time has her dad actually spent with her during her life?  What has changed in her dad's life that he's willing to step up and be a regular presence in her life?

Don't freak out about this.  As mothers, it seems like we always feel like we're being judged.  Talk to a counselor and discuss your concerns.  If all else fails, watch endless episodes of "Married With Children".  See?  You're better than that :-)

[Tchmymnd]

I don't understand why the "hostile" responses to my post.  (If hostile is the wrong word I apologize).  I simply was asking how to prepare, what to expect.  I certainly don't want to waste anyone's time, especially the courts.  

I also don't understand why my comment of being scared was such a horrible statement.  I'm facing something very unusual for me.  Not an experience I have had before. And I have read and heard of MANY horrible stories regarding these issues.

I am not against my daughter's father, I am all for him being her father.  I KNOW he's not likely to be the kind of father I would hope for her to have in him, but for him to just want to be in her life on a regular basis, is important.

Im not scared of him taking her away from me.  And Im not insecure about my position as her mother.

"prove to the judge that you're a caring mom who wants dad in the life. go in with your own parenting plan, be very specific about the assignment of days, pick up/drop off time, holidays. hopefully, yours and dads plans will match."

So I should fill out a parenting plan form as well?

"don't buy into the BS of gradually allowing visitation over time, be done with it, give him what he's entitled to and move on with your life."

My daughter has anxiety disorder,  she gets panic attacks at night often.  She gets them bad enough that her body hurts and she feels like she is going to die (her words during the attack) She is too uncomfortable to tell her dad shes hungry, how can she go to him at a time like this.  I just want her to be able to feel safe, and not have to worry about being alone and having one.  Many things trigger these for her, she was at her dads when he and her watched a lifetime movie, that had a gun and murder in it. she came home and that night had anxiety couldnt get to sleep cause she was scared.  

Isn't at least worth requesting.  Shouldnt her dad care about this stuff?  

"and remember..........this is all about your child and no matter what you think about this guy....he is her daddy and all girls need their daddys. don't destroy her dreams. that's not your job...or your responsibility."

I know too well, about being a girl and not having her daddy.  I know too well the pain that my daughter carries, because her dad has let her down so many times.  Making promises he hasnt kept, and disapointing her, and making her wonder if he even loves her.  I have spent 9 yrs, trying to assure her that he does love her.  That I don't know why he "did whatever it is he did at the time". But that I KNOW he loves her.  I havent always done the right thing in dealing with him. but I have tried, so hard to do the right thing, to be encouraging to a relationship between them, I have researched, and asked questions at other support stepfamily sites, I have done all I know to do. I have found mistakes I make, and changed them, hoping he would be more willing to be a part of her life.  IAM NOT against him being in her life, I want that for her more then anything, I know the damage it has caused.  And finally I told him, NO MORE.  That if he wanted to be a part of her life he would need to go to court for it.  (Thus getting the parenting plan)  Maybe it wasnt right for me to say that. But I am her mother, and If it's hurting her far more to have him play games, then to not have him there at all then so be it.  I didn't close the door, I simply closed the windows.  I know you all are against this sort of thing.  And believe me I am aware of the fact that fathers don't recieve the rights that they deserve many many times.  But this father, needs to step up to the plate.  I can't control whether or not he does, but I can possibly make a difference in my daughters life.

Now that I rambled, Iwill finish responding...


I think I have pretty much answered most the questions, my daughter is 9, and her father on average has seen her once or twice a year.  Then last summer he had a girlfriend, who encouraged him to spend more time with my daughter. so for about six weeks, there were like four visits.  Then they broke up and he didn't have my daughter for a visit again for months. He lives here in town, in fact last summer for six months he was a ten min walk from us.  I don't remember the last time she spent the night with him.  He always had just male roomates, at one time it was 6 of em in an apartment, drugs were heavily used.  I don't think HE was ever into the drugs much, but he was a heavy drinker... thus why we are no longer together.  But with no legal papers or nothing I wasnt about to expect my daughter, who has anxiety disorder, and has issues with men, since she had been sexually abused. (which by the way was an almost two year judicial process, where her father never once asked about how things were going, when the trial was, HOW SHE WAS doing, nothing)  Spend the night with him.  She has a LONGING for him, but theres not a relationship there. Not hardly.  At Christmas which is his birthday, she will go to her aunts house where he is.  and he will watch football.  This is like a 2 or 3 hour period of time she has with him, remember an average of twice a year she sees him.  and he will watch football.  Sometimes he might play a game of pool with her, but just once, and then back to the games.  Her paternal grandma is there, but I have seen this woman watch my daughter walk up to thier house, and she NOT EVEN SAY HI to my daughter.  My daughter comes back very unhappy, (except the times that he was with the girlfriend, which he is with her again now.  I think this woman is great, and great for my daughter and her father).  He rarely calls her.  he has called twice this past week.  Because After telling him that he couldnt see her, less hewent to court, then hearing he got papers, I was pleased to see him doing what he needs to as a father.  I told him, that it would be fine for him to see her, just that he needs to show her consistency through this process.  so there are plans for her to see him on fathers day.  But during these years, the phone calls might have come once a month.

I want to do the right thing, and I have been trying to without involving personal feelings.  The only personal feelings involved here are the fact that my daughter is being hurt over and over and over, and I have allowed it to continue.

[Tchmymnd]

One more thing, regarding scheduling.   I don't even know his schedule, but already they are talking of having my daughter while he is at work, and then his girlfriend can watch her.  I don't have a problem with this, but I DON"T want it to be all the time. Not in the beginning, his girlfriend and I have talked about how hurt my daughter was, to have the girlfriend jump into her life, have a tremendous influence on her, then all of a sudden be gone.  There relationship has been off and on, and we talked about wanting to go slow with the girlfriends relationship with my daughter.  But anyhow, my question is, do I put down a schedule that works for us.  Do I put the norm, every other weekend,  and then whatever happens he may have to work his work schedule around that?

In the past when trying to schedule a time for him to have her, he would tell me.  "Sunday is my only day off this week, it's my day to rest" and he wouldnt see her...  So how do I address the schedule part...

Thanks for being here, and offering feedback!

Becky

[StPaulieGirl]

No offense to you, but the whole situation is strange.  Coming from a personal perspective, a gf/bf is not supposed to be watching the kids, the parent is.  It's more than just "watching them" because most parents want to spend their visitation time with their kids.

If you didn't read post #3, please do.  Think about it, and let us know your thoughts on the questions I asked.  Take care.  Btw, I am truly sorry about your girl.  I hope she can get better.

[Tchmymnd]

Im not sure but I thought I had replied to all the replies, except the Married With Children statement, I just lol at that one as it certainly does make you feel better thinking about it.  

Im not sure what you were thinking I hadnt responded to, if you could let me know that would be great.  I thought maybe the question about why he NOW wants to be a part of her life wasnt answered completely.  I just know that I finally told him no more, then I heard from his girlfriend that he had gotten the papers to file, and hes getting a mediator.  I told em that we could probably agree to a plan, as I don't have many requests, Im quite flexible.  But guess he doesnt want to talk to me.  

Side note:  Two nights ago, I talked to him about fathers day, so we could set a time for him to pick my daughter up.  So we decided on noon, no problems.  Yesterday his GF messaged me, asking if it would be okay for her to pick up my daughter at 4:30 5:00 after she got off work, and I said what? we already set a time.  She said well, her dad has to work till 2... Later last night I called him, and said I just wanted to get fathers day straightened out.  And he said "we talked about this last night"  I said well Gf talked to me about picking 'DD' up.  He said, no gf is assuming I want her too.   I said so do you work till 2, he said no gf is thinking I work that day.  I said so Noon then, and he said yep, I said ok....  

SO frankly, I won't be talking to GF anymore about plans or nothing, becuase I have no idea if they even talked about it.  

AND honestly I CANT see him spending the money to file papers.

Should I go ahead and fill out a parenting plan and file in case he didn't?

[Kitty C.]

'Two nights ago, I talked to him about fathers day, so we could set a time for him to pick my daughter up. So we decided on noon, no problems. Yesterday his GF messaged me, asking if it would be okay for her to pick up my daughter at 4:30...........'

JMO, but I have serious problems with 'my daughter', especially when it's used back to back to back.  If you truely wanted her to have her father in her life and valued their relationship, you would say 'OUR daughter' EVERY single time.  All the more so if you use 'my' unconsciously.  I never once considered DS 'my son', regardless of whom I was talking to or about, I always said 'our'.  And even tho his dad died 2 years ago, DS is STILL our son.  I'm not physically capable of having a child without the help of male chromesomes, so he'll never be 'mine'.

Sorry, just a bone of contention with me............

[Tchmymnd]

With all due respect, I will say to you what I say to my children, when I use the word My in reference to something that is their's too, but im not speaking to them, instead to someone in which the "my" doesnt belong.  

Im am talking to you folks, so I refer to my daughter as My Daughter, she's not yours, shes mine.  If I'm talking to her dad, I do not say my daughter, I wouldnt say that to him.  

I have Never made any point to seperate him from my daughter at all, whether mentally or physically.

I think this was a bit petty, and then to call my saying "My Daughter" a red flag is rediculous...

Why do people waste the time to post this stuff, just stay out of the conversation if you have a problem with the way someone is speaking.