Have to be honest, I have a problem with this board...

[stk_agn]

    " but to place noncustodial Moms in a special category once again "

Please!   So what if the father's board isn't named the same as this one!  Big deal!  It is just a name.

Why does everything always have to be in a "category" when it comes to women? Did you ever stop to think that maybe, JUST MAYBE, not all of the non-custodial mothers deserved to have their children ripped from them? A lot of us are in the same position as non-custodial fathers.

I think this particular board was a very good idea. It wasn't created to ruffle the feathers of the male species, I believe it was created so that mothers can get help, encouragement, advice, and support from others in the same situation. Just as fathers do on the other boards.

I agree that children need both their parents in their lives, but some times that isn't possible.

Non-custodial mothers have to fight just as hard (if not harder) to see their children because of selfish, controlling, manipulative fathers and the need to have control (even after separation/divorce) over the childs mother.  Being a non-custodial parent is just as hard on women as it is on men.

This board has nothing to do with the problems in family law, the problem there, is the legal system.

So, give non-custodial mothers a break! We love our children too.

Just in case you missed it in another post, I will say it again, if you don't like this board don't click on the link to get here.

 

[TGB]

I was the one who first suggested this board, and there were several reasons for it.
[ol]
[li]I have known several custodial fathers who were alienating parents. I feel this type of behavior is just as harmful to the kids if done by a father as it is if done by a mother.

[li]In most divorce cases, one perfectly good parent is demoted by the court to a second class parent status. In most cases this is the father, but ten to fifteen percent of all divorces or separations end up with the mother as the NCP. Ten to fifteen percent is still a huge number of noncustodial mothers. We have always said that children need BOTH parents. This page helps to ensure that all NCPs have that opportunity.

[li]On a number of occasions, SPARC has helped mothers without custody to deal with all of the issues faced by NCPs. Often these mothers were surprised that we were willing to help. This board helps us to show these noncustodial parents that they are welcome and that we want to provide support for their relationships with their children. It gives them a forum where they can get the real help they need, without having to visit the extremist sites where all they hear is that all men are bad and all women would have custody if the courts weren't so corrupt.

[li]I came across the host of this board and her website, http://www.momswithoutcustody.com . I was very impressed, because unlike many NCP (both father and mother advocates) sites she didn't rant and rave about how unfair the courts were or how evil her ex was. Instead she talked about ways to deal with the situation, to improve relationships with the children, and to focus on their needs. That is what SPARC has always tried to do.

[li]We want to help all parents to remain involved in their children's lives after divorce or separation, because that is what is best for the children. We will not adopt the attitudes of some mother and father advocates, who do their best to make it sound like all members of one sex or the other are bad. Proper parenting is a partnership where both parents are equally vital to the children. Divorce or separation doesn't change that, no matter how much one of the parents wants to deny it.[/ol]

When I suggested this page to our webmaster and others on the SPARC team, they all agreed that it was well past time that we did this or something like it. After all, more than 50% of the SPARC visitors and contributors on the forums are Women. They have always been more than willing to help the men here. Why shouldn't the men be willing or able to accept the women on equal terms?

[gr8Dad]

ANd SPARC is very GOOD at true equality.  So where is the "Fathers without custody" board?

[TGB]

All of our boards have always been very father-oriented. We felt this board was needed to let NCP Mothers know that they are welcome, also. This is only necessary because they are a distinct minority on this site.

The Fathers' Issues board has been here for all of the years I've been with SPARC. No-one ever complained that there was no Mothers' Issues board. This is basically that board, though we wanted to focus our support on NCP mothers because they are the ones who most need our resources.

[Gecko]

ANd SPARC is very GOOD at true equality. So where is the "Fathers without custody" board?

[em]This whole site was dedicated to "father's without custody" and I way reminded of that several years ago with I suggested a "mother's issues" category to compliment the "father's issues" one.[/em]

[jilly]

Applauds wildly!!

Well said!

[SPARC Admin]

>This board, in my opinion, adds to the entire problem with the
>family court, custody and EVERYTHING that is wrong with family
>law today.  It goes to the heart of what we, as father's, are
>trying to fight everyday.  The societal view of each gender,
>and their role in raising the child/children of a marriage or
>relationship.

I'm very sorry that you feel that way. Our goal is basically to help children. I don't feel that making NCP moms welcome here detracts from that goal, or hampers the effectiveness of helping fathers.


>BUT, when we meet a CUSTODIAL Dad, our first thought, even by
>those of us that KNOW that Dads are just as good as Moms at
>raising the children, is "Wow, what did she do wrong?".
>
>Now, how does this board help empower that image?  Well, it
>acts like there are special problems associated with being a
>noncustodial Mom.  Problems that need to be addressed
>separately.  When this is simply NOT the case.  

As a custodial dad, I understand how you feel. This is part of an expanded effort that is in keeping with SPARC's goal of helping children stay connected to both parents. Perhaps an open dialog here will build some bridges or foster some understanding. Perhaps not. Either way, I don't think that SPARC loses anything by recognizing that custody issues aren't solely the province of men.


>I feel that there should be a board for mothers, or women,
>just as there is a board for fathers, but to place
>noncustodial Moms in a special category once again emphasizes
>the nonexistance difference between men and women as parents,
>and martyrs those women that do not get custody of the
>children.

I don't think that the vast majority of visitors to SPARC view NCP moms as martyrs, or think that they deserve special treatment. The ones who do will find out that they're wrong. I understand what you're saying, but I don't feel that being inclusive and offering some support for NCP moms diminishes this site in any way, or that providing a message board for NCP moms will have any downside for men and fathers.


>That is just my opinion, I could be wrong.

I don't think of this as a "right" or "wrong" issue, and I thank you for your opinion, Gr8Dad.

We can't please everyone, and to be true to our cause sometimes means extending ourselves in ways that might make some folks uncomfortable. I hope that you consider that we did this in the context of doing what we can for children.

I'd be interested to hear any suggestions you may have, pro or con. Please feel free to contact me here, or at [email protected] if you'd prefer to have a conversation offline.


-SPARC Admin

[olanna]

Our issues are different. We needed a place to discuss them.

[gr8Dad]

Please explain what is different about women without custody over men without custody.

[olanna]

Want a great recipe for banana bread?