My Moral Dilemma

[Astro]

Hello to all again...

Some of you may remember a couple of my writings concerning this situation earlier this year.

Last February my son's mother had called me saying she couldn't handle my son and that he needed my influence.  Of course I jumped on the chance (after talking her out of it the first couple of times because I knew she'd change her mind (she did)).  So since February 6th he has been here living with me!!

Neither of us want(ed) to go through the fiasco of court and so we made some promises.  I promised that I wouldn't try to "take" custody of him and she promised that she would send back all the child support that I'm required to send through the state.  To this end she signed a notarized statement saying that she would send it all back while he was in my custody.  Our agreement was left a little open--seeing how he would do through the rest of the school year here and discuss where he'd be later.

To date, almost 5 months, I've not received a dime.  Of course.  I really didn't think that she could part with free money.  Plus now that she has more free time she has actually gotten a job as a flagger.  I don't know for sure the wage but I do know that they do pretty well.  I have asked her about it on several occasions, of course being real careful not to push the wrong buttons, and her only response has been for me to not freak out and that she'd send it.

The real issue is not the $2500 that I've donated so far, although it would certainly help with raising my son, but the fact that her contact with our son is very limited.  Phone calls average about 1 1/2 weeks (less at the end of the month due to her prepaid cellphone plan) and she's seen him only once in the interim.  She called on his birthday, but he received absolutely nothing from neither she nor all of her family that she lives with/near.  Not even cards.  I could tell he was hurt but he didn't want to talk about it.  Her visit with him was a week after his birthday (for a week) and he still got nothing.  It's been a month since then but that bugged me.

My dilemma is this--I KNOW that he is much better off with me.  I take him to appointments, do his eye therapy, take him to softball everyday, read with him, etc.  None of this was done with him by her.  At all.  I am a man of my word and I made a promise not to take her to court.  For that matter she made a promise regarding the child support.  She reneged on her end.  But two wrongs don't make a right.  Right?  If I filed for a change I would feel bad about reneging.  But the best interest of my son is at hand--so I could live with that.

I've read and heard that 6 months is the magic number when it comes to a "significant change in circumstance."  However he will be going to spend the rest of the summer with her sometime in July and come back for the next (this) school year (that's the plan, anyhow.)  For me to file soon is before that 6 months--and if I were to file later there would be that 1 to 1 1/2 months where he was with her.  I am a bit cynical when it comes to the court system and I figure that if there's a way to get screwed they'll find it.  So the question is--what would you do?  Is there a way to do this without having to physically show up in court?  Should I get a lawyer?  I know the answer to that--I just can't afford one again.  

Also, in anyone's experience, is there any merit whatsoever in the notarized statement she signed stating she'd send back the support while he is with me--or is that just fuel for a proverbial fire.....

[Peanutsdad]

JMHO,


But I would wait until you have him there for the new school year. When you file, ALSO file that the current staus quo on where he is residing be kept pending final decision of the court.

[wendl]

well hope your documenting everything to show you have been the primary care provider for all this time.

I would suggest consulting some attorneys and see what their opinion is, you can also post on Socs board and see what he says.

:)


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Kitty C.]

I agree.  Wait until he comes back from BM's before taking any action whatsoever.  And with what you've descibed so far, I've got a feeling that she might not take him at all, or could very possibly cut the visit short.

But since she's not holding up her end of the agreement, YOU now need something more concrete to make the situation more secure for the welfare of your son.  Let him go to BM's, for however long she'll keep him, but when he gets back, FILE!

[patton]

Make double sure that your decree is at least one year old or the Judge will toss everyting out.

I actually had son with me for 6 months, BUT because the orignal decree was not at least one year old she would not even hear the case.

[Astro]

My thanks to those who responded--and sorry about not getting back sooner--work has been hectic.

I will probably seek a lawyer'$ advice....  I have been documenting with the PTT now for about 3 years.  Hopefully it will be of use.....

Any comments on the validity of the notarized statement??

[ksmomof2girls]

JMHO...

I think that it would stand up in court.....and its proof that she agreed to it..because she signed it.

[Hawkeye]

pardon my brevity, but at least your ex calls... mine just harrases.... is getting funnier tho, she can't seem to tell the diff tween 'need and want'

no more whining, no more excuses....

[Astro]

LOL--Believe me--it sure USED to be harassment.  Nasty, out of this world, jaw dropping, psychotic harassment.  I taped and transcribed most of these calls.  She "won" custody by the skin of her teeth with a very strong admonishment from the judge telling her that if this (or anything else to inhibit my visitation) happened again that he would overturn his decision.  I think it was my transcriptions that did it--I saw his reaction when he read them.  

It did get better from there--albeit slowly.  She is now pretty civil.  And yes, "need and want" are one and the same to her, too.  Hedonism.  There ought to be a pill for that....  :)

[rainbow1]

Keep track of all time he is with you. Wait and see if she brings up having him come during summer. If she is enjoying her freedom, she may not. Start checking into GOOD lawyers in this field NOW!