Messages

She should apply for lifeguard job or something similar near her mom and spend the summer there. That is what was agreed to in the custody arrangement. It is a good learning opportunity too for your daughter to balance time.


If she needs to attend a camp for sports - when is the camp? Is there something similar near to her mom? Talk with the coach. There are ways around this. Work with the mom to establish a different summer schedule if it is that necessary to have your daughter attend a specific camp. Take your daughter out of the middle.


When your daughter gets a job (regardless of the time of year) - she should be up front with her boss from the interview that she will need some flexibility since she will need time off throughout the year to allow time to spend with her family in another state.


Good luck!

First of all, I think you need to get a place to be.  Where are you sleeping?  

What are the terms of your court order with respect to your time with the girls?


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dsm - 36; DH - 40; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 4
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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Live, Love, and Laugh
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You are going to hear the 'but dad says ....' and 'but dad lets me do ...' and yes, even, 'if you don't, then I'll tell dad....'

Don't you dare let your children have this power.  YOU are the parent, the adult.  Act it.  You have every right to instill rules, routine, and appropriate behavior in your home.  Granted you cannot control what happens when they are out of your sight/home.  But make it where it is crystal clear that you have expectations, and that if they do not treat you with respect, they get no respect and no privileges.  I know this is hard when you have limited time with them.  But you have to do this and remain consistent.  Otherwise, it will be them running over you - and that is NOT what you want.

Good luck!


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dsm - 34
DH - 37
SD - 15
LO - 8
BB - 17 months
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

Nice to see ya' and other regulars out here.   I've been a bit out of the loop for a little while - catching up.  Sorry to see that there are still so many that are fighting this fight....I wish people would just get over themselves and put the kids first.  *sigh*

Things here are holding steady.  SD is a freshman in high school and doing okay.  She shows your typical teenage angst every so often, but I guess that's to be expected.   Her mom still is a loser and hasn't changed her ways (no disrespect to the moms out here who are good moms - this one just isn't).   LO is in 3rd grade this year and continues her recovery from GBS - it's a long road and her cognitive skills have taken such a hit.  But we're rebuilding and she's doing great.  BB is 17 months old and continues to be a handful.  He's such a demanding child - people told me that he would be relaxed and fall into the routine and just be - because he would know no different....HA!  I'd like to know what fantasy world that came from!!!!  :)  He's a climber and has no fear of anything - I'm debating taking my kitchen cabinet pulls off...he's so fast at climbing up them!   DH and I have our 11th anniversary coming up this weekend.  He's promised me a night out so we'll see what happens.  

How's things with you?
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dsm - 34
DH - 37
SD - 15
LO - 8
BB - 17 months
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

Take the appropriate measures with the school.  I am assuming that you share legal custody, yes?  So use this.  Go to the school with your order that states that every Wednesday the kids go to you directly after school and that you will make the arrangements for that to happen - either you pick them up from school yourself or they ride the bus directly to your house.  Inform the school of what your intent is and then do it.  Copy your ex as an FYI thing and CYA thing for communication.  Without a restraining order or some sort of court order keeping you from this, the school should go along with it.

 
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dsm - 34
DH - 37
SD - 15
LO - 8
BB - 17 months
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

There is nothing that specifies that the kids have to go to their father's house first, right?  It just says after school until 8pm on Wednesdays, right?  Well, then.  You take your court order to the school and pick them both up from school just in case he has filled them with a load of crap.  Leave your ex a message after you've picked them up that you have them and will return them as scheduled at 8pm.  You also draft a letter to him stating that you understand the court order to read that you have the children from after school until 8pm and that you will be picking them up from this day forward; that it was no longer working for them to take the bus and/or be dropped off by him or his wife due to it taking away precious quality time with the children.

Then you let him just go ahead and blow steam.  If there is nothing stating that you cannot pick them up, then he has no right to say that you have to go by his bidding on this issue.  

Good luck!  :)

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dsm - 34
DH - 37
SD - 15
LO - 8
BB - 17 months
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

State of case:  WI    my child's mother, my daughter (age 17), and I all reside in the state of WI as well

Current order regarding child support reads: "Mother shall pay the amount of $150 per month in child support to Father via wage assignment."

Current order regarding medical expenses for child reads: "Father shall carry primary medical and dental insurance for the child.  Mother may obtain additional insurance at her expense.  Any expenses not covered by insurance shall be equally split."

Current order regarding other expenses for child reads: "Father shall be responsible for costs of schooling, textbooks, actvities, etc.  In the event that a cost is $25 or more, the cost shall be equally split between Father and Mother."

Child support comes in fine.  My issue concerns the other expenses.  There is outstanding balance of $1000 which my ex acknowledges is hers to reimburse me, but she does not send anything toward this.  I have been trying to work with her for over a year now on this balance.

Yesterday my ex called me and suggested that I write up a letter to her suggesting to increase child support by $50 per month.  She said she would sign it and then send it to the courthouse and that would take care of her end of the expenses.  

Increasing child support by $50 per month will take her 20 months to pay off.  My daughter turns 18 in September, but will not graduate high school until June 2008.  It is my understanding that child support continues until the child turns 18 or graduates high school, whichever is later.

1.  Can a child support order be changed simply by sending in a letter that both parties have signed?

2.  If I went this route, what would happen in June 2008 when my daughter  graduates and child support order ends?  

3.  Would I be able to stipulate child support continue until expenses are clear?

4.  $1000 is the balance today.  What happens as more items come into the mix (college applications, senior activities, etc)?

Thanks!

The counselor should be able to help him make it more comfortable to talk about his dad.   It will take time - and the very fact that your son is so anxious about talking about what happens at his dad's house is plenty to be documented by the counselor and if your ex does get into the picture, she should be able to draw things out from both of them.

Hang in there.  Keep us updated.
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dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

You should inform him that your son is seeing this psychologist.  This will come back to bite you big time if you don't - even though I think you are doing what needs to be done to help your son; your ex will be able to twist it that you are looking to force him out of your son's life.  This way, by you telling him now that your son is seeing Dr. X and it would be helpful for him to get involved in the sessions, you are inviting him to help parent.   You've got to give him enough rope to hang himself.   Show that you have tried everything you possibly can to work with him and he does not cooperate with you.

Ignore his attempts to argue.  If he starts fighting with you, ask yourself if the fight is worth anything - is it about what is happening right now, today, or is it about something that happened in the past, or how it's not fair that your DH is in the picture.   If it's not something that needs to be dealt with right then and there, then let it go.  Walk away from him, tell him on the phone that when he's calmed down to call you back and hang up.  Don't engage him, and then there is no fire.   Then when you are alone with your DH in your bedroom - scream into the pillow, rip up a magazine, pound a teddy bear.  Run a mile.  Whatever you need to get the anger out of you.  You have to keep a calm demeanor and keep yourself and your actions under control.

I posted this above, but it is worthy of posting again here.  The state is not - NOT - likely to get involved.  They have no party in this instance.  You have to make your case.  You have to present it (either on your own or through a lawyer).  And I understand that you've been told that you don't have a case to stand on right  now.  Keep talking with lawyers as you gather your documentation.  It very well may be that you don't have ENOUGH of a case to stand on - YET.  Keep building.  And get the recommendation of the psychologist for how your son can cope with things while you build your case.  Is the psychologist on board with you for limiting the visitation?


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dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

It is typical for kids to clam up when they are talking with people they don't know/trust.   How long has he been seeing the psychologist?  It takes awhile to build that up and if she is worth anything, she will find ways to build the trust - talk about other things for awhile to put your boy at ease with talking with him.  And then one day, he will just open up like he does with you.   The state is not likely to step in.  You are going to have to gather your evidence and get your documentation together and do this on your own.   The psychologist can be a great asset for you - get recommendations from her on how to handle the situation.  You talk of your concerns and always in the sense of what is best for your son - how you don't want him to be anxious and worried of getting spanked.   How often is he supposed to see his dad?  Bring it up to your ex that your son is having adjustment issues - he is anxious, etc.  (don't say that your son is worried about being spanked, or talks to you about things that happens over there - because that may lead your ex to further intimade your son and then your son will have issues about talking to you and you want that line of communication to stay open).  Ask him for suggestions on dealing with it all - this is giving you the chance to document that you are trying to work with him.  If he reacts the way that your posts lead me to believe, he will probably refuse to work with you, deny that there is a problem, deny that there is anything going on at all.  But again, that gives you power and ammo to use - you would be showing that you are trying to cooperate and work with him and he refuses to work with you.  So therefore, changes would need to take place.  And, if your son starts to open up to the psychologist, she hopefully will agree that placement should be modified in some manner to help your boy.

This is a long battle, and you need to make sure that you get your ducks in a row and gear up for the long haul.  Be extremely professional and businesslike with your ex.  Give your son a bit of leave-way and benefit of the doubt for now - but also instill in him that you have expectations for him in your house - he is to treat others with respect, and love, etc.   Keep your documentation together.  By your ex already not responding to your letter asking to discuss concerns you have, this is helping you - hurting him.  Keep asking.  And bring it up with the psychologist - which maybe you may want to consider a counselor for him instead of a psychologist.  How long has your son been seeing her?  If it's been awhile and he still is not opening up - and there is nothing happening at the sessions, you may want to consider talking with someone else.  Just be careful not to switch too many times - because that could look like you are fishing for things to be wrong.

There's alot to consider and alot to take in.   You need to stay strong and focused - not get down on yourself or the situation.  Because if you are down and feeling guilty or depressed, then you are not helping anything.  Do you see that?

Keep talking....it helps.....figure out a plan and then go for it.   That's what is so nice about this site - throw your ideas out here and we'll help to fine-tune and give you the shoulders to cry on and lean on for support.

Keep your chin up mom.


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dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....