Father has child 51% of time???

[ellehcim87]

I sympathize with you but for some reason you all just arent getting the problem here.  He cant stay home 5 days a week anymore for financial reasons or he will lose his house.  He gave up 5 years to be a stay at home Dad and now that she is older it would benefit her more for him to keep his house and not spend 2 hours a day twice a week with him just so her mother isnt inconvenienced in any way.  She can work a full week, now why cant he?  He will have her 13 hours a day on Tuesday and Thursdays and pick her up from school Wednesdays plus overnight whenever he wants.  What is wrong with 2 days a week to be able to work a 2nd job?  He isnt asking to put her in daycare as both he and the mother have parents who will gladly pick her up.  Besides, Im only here to find out if he actually was legally obligated to be her full-time sitter while mommy gets to work her job.  He has asked for full custody and I told you all that.  She wont give it because that would mean she has no control over him.  Thanks for all the info, really...I love being bashed on here for no reason.  Most dads get their kids every other weekend and he has gone above and beyond what other dads would or could do.  Find me any man who would stay home 5 days a week like that?

[jilly]

I think we can all relate to the financial problems, but when you come on here and talk about him being a glorified babysitter and a taxi driver that just doesn't sit right.

He's her Father...period.  That's what parents do.  They take care of their children and they drive them places.  It's not babysitting and it's not being a taxi driver. If he was still married to the ex he'd have to be doing these same things more than likely.

[SadStepMom]

My DH stayed home fulltime for 3.5 years with our son.  When he had to go back to work because I lost my job and then had to take a much lower paying job, he worked nights so we could keep daycare to the miniumum.

He also has two sons that he would give anything to be able to see them for 2 hours every day.

I really think you are in the wrong place.  

[wysiwyg]

If the father was so concerned why is he not here asking these questions?  I apologize but your posts come across as you are the one asking for more time.  I know of many a father that has lost atleast one home due to financial sturggles to see their child, we are a family that has lost over 350,000 to assets and another 88K to lawyers to see the child.  

I can not imagine that this father would gladly walk away from his daughter just to work more, given the oppurtunity and or choice most parents would choose to see their child.  A parents job is to structure and teach their children.  If the father is in danger of losing his home, perhaps other options need to be explored, refiance the house, get rid of some other bills, etc.  When I was a child, my father raised me and short of day care or relying on my grandmother to watch me, I went to all day kindergarten, my dad got me after school.  

Please do not pressure dad to choose between you and his daughter, or the house and his daughter, houses can be replaced a fathers love can not.  

Good luck and think things through in a positive and loving fahion to find a good solution, not a negative one.  You could be also be a good influance for this child if her mother is as you say, she needs love and attention from those that are going to be truly concerned about her.

[breezy]

I think perhaps you are writing in a context that makes it seem like he should not **have** to care for his daughter.
My SO has stayed home, switched shifts and switched jobs to spend more time with his kids. He has been a primary care giver and is now a primary bread winner while he provides for me so that I can care for the kids. I love them and would never even dream of not supporting him in any and every way I can. He has driven 100% of the time for up to 8 hours to have a weekend with his kids. We now drive over 120 miles a day to take the kids to and from school (30 miles each way 2x a day) There is nothing he/we would not do for those kids... even for 2 hours a day.
Our focus in life is a stable, happy home for them. We are typically combating the negative energy expended by BM. Stressed... BTDT. Pissed... BTDT.
Boy have we both felt used and abused by the situations that have been tossed our way by BM, however those are **OUR** feelings or resentment to deal with. Our kids never know of these feelings, nor do they ever feel like we didn't want to spent time with them... even 2 hours a day.
Reality doesn't always provide that we can be there at ever whim of BM's insane life. We are realistic and frank with the kids. If we can't we tell them that, so that they are not left feeling abandond.

I think I understand you frustration and feeling like he is a babysitter. What I think you are failing to see is that your BF has what most of the Bio-fathers on this and many other sites wish they had!!!

He certainly is not obligated to have the kids 51% of the time, he can request less time through legal channels. I just am not sure why he or any father would give this up. Most fathers are never granted this honor. Most fathers gobs of $ in courts fighting for this right and never even get half of it.

We have spent over 20,000 in legal fees. We have spent 3 years in court. We are lucky that we currently have a 50/50 plan. Unfortunately it will never be increased (doesn't stop us from fighting) The best intrest of the children is not served with this agreement. In no way do we wish to deprive BM of a relationship with her children. We do however wish that the time she spent with them was productive and benificial to the children... something that we fail to feel.

Our goal is something more like 52 us/48 her. This is to ensure the kids are with us during the week so that they suceed in school and get to participate in school activities. We are willing to give up a great deal of our weekends for what we feel is in the best interest of the children. We all (kids and ourselves) live for our weekends!! Our family time!!
Unfortunately BM has not seen fit to participate in the kids life to the extent that they need to suceed. We feel it is in their best interest to spend the school time in our care.

To answer your question though; IF there is no formal written parenting plan you BF is not required or obligated to care for his daughter for 2 hours a day after school.

What I think would be more sucessful for your situation though is to A) have a formal written parenting plan B) if there is one and it is not working, revisit and reformat it so that it DOES work for you and BM C) if the current parenting plan/court order has daughter in BF's care on the 2 days in dispute (I believe they are M and F) get day care for the additional 2 hours and have BM pick up from daycare. BM should also be required to pay half of the additional daycare cost. ----this way BF can get a 2nd job, have a life, ect....

hope that helps :)

[flewwellin]

I understand the financial sittuation and if you had left it at that it probably would have been perceived a bit differently but like most of the other ppl here have said I don't  have sympathy for your boyfriend.  

My husband is that man you think doesn't exist outside your boyfriend would be a stay at home dad 5 days a week.  If he had the option he'd do it 24/7  365 days a year.  No sympathy here for ya.  

Financially he needs a second job are you thinking part time?  He could go to school or have a second job possibly both while his daughter is at pre school.  If his hours were 13 hrs a day and he'd only be watching her 2 than that is like 11 hrs for those few days she is in school.  Sounds like a fine toss up to me.  I'd gladly switch custody/ visitaion plans with you if possible.  My DH only gets to see his kids maximum 40 days non consecutive out of 365 the kids live over 500 miles away.  My advice is butt out and let your boyfriend, his ex wife and the judge figure out what will happen.

[ellehcim87]

While I appreciate your advice and understand how sad your situation is...I cannot butt out since we are planning on living together next year and he wants me to stand by him on this.  What I think everyone is failing to understand here is that for the past 5 years of his daughters life he has been the primary caregiver for her.  4-5 days a  week 13 hours a day.ht a house in order to provide a safe, loving home for his daughter and his ex told him her preschool was from 8-5 m, w, f and that he wouldnt have her on those days.  Therefore he planned on furthering his education and working more.  The mother has told him point blank that if he doesnt watch her everyday no matter for how long when he isnt working that it inconveniences her.  That if she cant have free time than why shoudl he.  She has a mother who lives next to the school and a sister who doesnt work.  This would be like a father forcing a single mother not to work in order to keep the child at home with her.  It isnt healthy for a child to be in a house with only 1 adult everyday of the week first of all.  The ex simply expects him to never be with other kids for her and never take her to his parents for visits and to not be able to let his parents watch her if he has Dr.s appts, overtime or anything.  She has now asked for a court hearing claiming several outright lies about him because she is so pissed off that he has more of a life than her.  She has actually said these things to people so I know they are true.  If he had a normal 9-5 job this wouldnt even be an issue.  The mother sees her life as a single mom boring and unfair because she cant go out and drink at night.  So this isnt that he doesnt want to be with his daughter, in fact he gets sick to his stomach when he doesnt see her which has to do with a severe anxiety issue he has.  But rather that he wants his ex to take a more active role in being responsible for her.  She wont do this now because he has always done it.  She is a huge control freak and is determined to make his life hell.  He has asked for sole custody since the ex sees her daughter as an inconvenience but that would be too embarrassing for her and she would rather keep her the 2 hours a night and 1 day on the weekend in order to keep tabs on him as well.  She left him 4 years ago thinking she could do better and that he would just watch their daughter all the time so she could work the same job, never have to miss work because the daughter was sick, go out every weekend and basically have no responsibilities.  He could have been getting child support all this time but all he wanted was to take care of his daughter.  We are in for a long court battle now that she has made these accusations.  He is also sueing her for slander and sole custody.  All he asked for this last time was now to just have Mondays free.  Obviously her lawyer knows how much she is worth and is just in it for the money.  Luckily his Uncle is his lawyer and he pays nothing.  So, thanks for all the advice and Im sorry not many of you really understood my situation.  

[breezy]

I think many **UNDERSTAND** your situation. Most of us have BM's in our life that are hateful, useless and manipulative. Most of the BM's I know or have heard aboutare bitter and spiteful toward their EX's... especially when there is another woman in the pic. (I am generalizing here ladies so please forgive me)
What I think you fail to see is that most of us SM and some of the BM's writting you in response to YOUR post are trying to convey to you that it is suppose to be about the CHILD not the now defunct couple that may or may not have been married.
If your BF is so wonderful than why would he want to have his daughter spend time with a BM that sees her as a inconvienence. You are protraying his daughter as an inconvienence to him too. I don't think she is... and I understand wanting time. Put the child in day care and split the cost with the BM. End of subject. Then the child still is supervised by a loving environment, get most of the time with the most nurturing parent and gets the BM what she wants and off your back.

[ellehcim87]

>>What I think you fail to see is that most of us SM and some of
>the BM's writting you in response to YOUR post are trying to
>convey to you that it is suppose to be about the CHILD not the
>now defunct couple that may or may not have been married.
>If your BF is so wonderful than why would he want to have his
>daughter spend time with a BM that sees her as a
>inconvienence. You are protraying his daughter as an
>inconvienence to him too. I don't think she is... and I
>understand wanting time. Put the child in day care and split
>the cost with the BM. End of subject. Then the child still is
>supervised by a loving environment, get most of the time with
>the most nurturing parent and gets the BM what she wants and
>off your back.


This is pretty much what Im trying to say and what he wants.  The ex tells him the daughter is an inconvenience so he will feel guilty and take care of her.  I think that once he allows the mother some more responsibility she will do just fine.  She controlled every move he made up until a short time ago and now he wants her to take equal part instead of him doing everything.  
Yes he and I both believe its about the child at all times.  However, like i said many times, the mom is jealous we have a relationship, house, happy life and she is a miserable brat.  So she will try whatever she can to break us up and take any time he has away from his life in general.  What kind of a mother asks the court to force the father to stay in the house everyday and never socialize their child?  
And yes at her age 2.5 hours of daycare will not harm her.  Or both parents have retired grandparents willing to watch her.  Not sure why that makes him a bad parent.  I always thought it was the norm for fathers to be with their kids every other weekend?  I also dont know any married father who sees their kids as much as he did.  So it really upsets me that everyone on here seems to think he isnt at some point allowed to move ahead in his life and put her in an after school program.

[ellehcim87]

>>
>I can not imagine that this father would gladly walk away from
>his daughter just to work more, given the oppurtunity and or
>choice most parents would choose to see their child.  A
>parents job is to structure and teach their children.  If the
>father is in danger of losing his home, perhaps other options
>need to be explored, refiance the house, get rid of some other
>bills, etc.  When I was a child, my father raised me and short
>of day care or relying on my grandmother to watch me, I went
>to all day kindergarten, my dad got me after school.  

He is not asking to walk away from his daughter and i cannot imagine you would expect him to lose his home just to have to pick up his daughter from pre-school for 2.5 hours when there are other family members happy to help out.  This is called life!  Parents must work in order to survive and children do fine in daycare.  This isnt all day care either.  We are talking about a couple hours twice a week so that he can work.  Shoudl he ask the mother to change her hours in order to spend more time with her daughter?  Just because his job is 2 days a week doesnt mean he must be the only one to provide care and transportation.  The mother offers no help whatsoever with these things.  As I explained before...most firefighters work a 2nd job.  this is something he has put on hold for 5 years and now she is at an age where she should be around kids her own age more and not stuck in a house with an adult.  She is socially very very behind and is extremely immature.  She has no idea how to interact with kids.  I stayed at home with my children for 4 years but had them very socially involved all the time.  My ex took care of my kids 3 nights a week so I could work and when he refused to do that any more I had to take a full-time job during the day and find daycare.  That was MY obligation as their mother to make sure I found proper care for them.  I missed work when they were sick.  I have no parents to watch them as she does.  This is insane that you all think he is asking too much here.  If she truly cared about her daughter and wasnt just out to control his life than she would just give him sole custody.  Its a game to her and she is very messed up in the head.
>
>Please do not pressure dad to choose between you and his
>daughter, or the house and his daughter, houses can be
>replaced a fathers love can not.  
>
>Good luck and think things through in a positive and loving
>fahion to find a good solution, not a negative one.  You could
>be also be a good influance for this child if her mother is as
>you say, she needs love and attention from those that are
>going to be truly concerned about her.
>
>