Father has child 51% of time???

[breezy]

> What kind of a
>mother asks the court to force the father to stay in the house
>everyday and never socialize their child?  
>And yes at her age 2.5 hours of daycare will not harm her.  Or
>both parents have retired grandparents willing to watch her.
>Not sure why that makes him a bad parent. And yes at her age 2.5 hours of daycare will not harm her. Or both parents have retired grandparents willing to watch her. Not sure why that makes him a bad parent. I always thought it was the norm for fathers to be with their kids every other weekend? I also dont know any married father who sees their kids as much as he did. So it really upsets me that everyone on here seems to think he isnt at some point allowed to move ahead in his life and put her in an after school program. I always thought it
>was the norm for fathers to be with their kids every other
>weekend?  I also dont know any married father who sees their
>kids as much as he did.  So it really upsets me that everyone
>on here seems to think he isnt at some point allowed to move
>ahead in his life and put her in an after school program.

1st off no court will allow the mother to force him to stay home. If they order him responsible on specific days he can put the child in day care and be financially responsible.
Our kids go to school more than 20 min away from us. We have and EOWeek. We paid for day care every week so that if traffic inhibits us from being there on time or we had other obligations we had day care **IF NEEDED** We rarely use it, and do not consider it a waste of $.
It doesn't make him a bad parent to desire the mother to be involved. It *in my opinion* does make him a bad parent to try to force mother to be responsible. In doing so it makes this more about her then about the child. Do what you need to to make life work for you. Leave it to the mother to decide to be involved or not.
We can't seem to get more than a 50/50 arrangement. The children suffer. Their homework is not done on weeks w/her. They are sick and do not get taken to dr. They sit all weekend babysat by the TV or the pool with no parent or adult supervision. Most days they pack their own lunch for school and open their own cans to nuke for dinner. These are K-5 kids... not teens.These are frustrating, however the court has awarded her this time to parent the children and there is nothing WE can do at this point except document.
The norm once upon a time was EOweekend. This was found through studies and fighting the system to not be in the best interest of the children. I think this is why so many are upset by your post. It seems you feel this is the way it sould be.
Most of us fight for more than the EOweekend plan. Some win (like us) and some don't and are furthur frustrated by our legal system. We continue to be frustrated as the childrens best interest is not met by being cared for by an uninterested BM. I would never wish for my SK to spend more time with that unstable and detached person. In my heart of hearts home is w/us and we continue to do everything to make it stable and healthy.
I still don't understand why he is bucking the system and trying to MAKE mother accountable.... it will never happen until he moves on with his life.
Get the 2nd job, put DD in daycare. Then mom will have to figure out if she wants DD in daycare or with her. The ownes is then on her, not You.
Take away her power and get on with your lives.
P.S. most Firefighters do have 2nd jobs and make awesome $ at both.
(I am wondering if he has made all his payments for the last 5 years as primary caregiver for DD why now he *might* loose his house.... what has changed, and who's decision was it to make that financial decision?)

[ellehcim87]

>>>1st off no court will allow the mother to force him to stay
>home. If they order him responsible on specific days he can
>put the child in day care and be financially responsible.

WOW, I never actually thought about it that way!  That is brilliant.  If he has her on those days than indeed it is up to HIM if she attends after school care isnt it:)  
I guess I feel that it is more stable to be with one or the other parent during school week.  I dont think its good to go from house to house every single day.   most fathers that i know are too busy and cant handle full time childcare like mine can.  I think its extremely bad for this child to have mom and dad see eachother on a daily basis and see no communication whatsoever on either part.  They dont share info on her at all.  
I dont understand what reason (other than money) your husbands and my boyfriends ex have for just not giving soul custody to them.  Is it pride?  I mean, obviously they dont care about their needs if they dont take care of them.  



>Our kids go to school more than 20 min away from us. We have
>and EOWeek. We paid for day care every week so that if traffic
>inhibits us from being there on time or we had other
>obligations we had day care **IF NEEDED** We rarely use it,
>and do not consider it a waste of $.
>It doesn't make him a bad parent to desire the mother to be
>involved. It *in my opinion* does make him a bad parent to try
>to force mother to be responsible. In doing so it makes this
>more about her then about the child. Do what you need to to
>make life work for you. Leave it to the mother to decide to be
>involved or not.
>We can't seem to get more than a 50/50 arrangement. The
>children suffer. Their homework is not done on weeks w/her.
>They are sick and do not get taken to dr. They sit all weekend
>babysat by the TV or the pool with no parent or adult
>supervision. Most days they pack their own lunch for school
>and open their own cans to nuke for dinner. These are K-5
>kids... not teens.These are frustrating, however the court has
>awarded her this time to parent the children and there is
>nothing WE can do at this point except document.
>The norm once upon a time was EOweekend. This was found
>through studies and fighting the system to not be in the best
>interest of the children. I think this is why so many are
>upset by your post. It seems you feel this is the way it sould
>be.
>Most of us fight for more than the EOweekend plan. Some win
>(like us) and some don't and are furthur frustrated by our
>legal system. We continue to be frustrated as the childrens
>best interest is not met by being cared for by an uninterested
>BM. I would never wish for my SK to spend more time with that
>unstable and detached person. In my heart of hearts home is
>w/us and we continue to do everything to make it stable and
>healthy.
>I still don't understand why he is bucking the system and
>trying to MAKE mother accountable.... it will never happen
>until he moves on with his life.
>Get the 2nd job, put DD in daycare. Then mom will have to
>figure out if she wants DD in daycare or with her. The ownes
>is then on her, not You.
>Take away her power and get on with your lives.
>P.S. most Firefighters do have 2nd jobs and make awesome $ at
>both.
>(I am wondering if he has made all his payments for the last 5
>years as primary caregiver for DD why now he *might* loose his
>house.... what has changed, and who's decision was it to make
>that financial decision?)
>
>

[MYSONSDAD]

I have been following this post. The court would see a parent's care over a after school/daycare environment.

Your BF is one very lucky dude. Most here would give their right arm to just have 50/50.

He should be documenting all the time he has with his daughter. Even if you feel, it does not matter, just take a calendar and write down the time she is with him. If this should ever come up before a Judge, it will give you some ground  to stand on.

Not many here will favor the "soul custody" issue you posted. We prefer a true 50/50. Kids need and want both fit parents. Except when drugs, neglect or abuse are in place.

"Children learn what they live"

[ellehcim87]

I am a child of divorce and I cannot imagine having to go back and forth between my parents for 50/50 time.  To me, that sounds like its more for the parents benefit to be able to see them, not to the childs benefit.  Unless both parents live in a small town which most do not.  That means going back and forth between homes, not having your friends from the town in which you go to school, different rules.  All that sounds extremely unstable as opposed to living in 1 house for the week and seeing Dad eow and once during the off week.  What about sports and after school things?  What about step parents and siblings?  I personally would have hated that arrangement even though I loved my father.  I just dont see how second families work around that type of arrangement as well.  Noone on here has really said what the kids would want?  Does everyone have small children who dont really know what they would want?  My son is 12 and he hates going to his Dads.  He has no friends around there and it doesnt matter how many fun things his Dad does with him he would rather be here in his neighborhood with his friends.  Im only giving my experience on this growing up and what I know of my friends and relatives and how they work their parenting time.  Ive read studies and even both my boyfriends therapists speak of how important it is for a child to have one home during school week and not to be tossed around.  
Kim

[breezy]

Kim, WOW. All the new studies and data show that children suceed better in establishing relationships and growing to responsible adults with a more or less 50/50 custody arrangement.
Our children are all under 12. BM had prime custody until the youngest was about 5. They failed to thrive.
By this I mean, potty training, school studies, handeling stress. Emotional turbulance was a way of life for them.
Having a stable and predictable relationship with both parents has helped to settle things down for them.
A 50/50 agreement (where do-able) allows the children to establish friendships at both homes.
We support their friendships from school by driving to pick up friend and drop them off. We plan play dates and take them to play dates.
We live apx 30 miles apart. We do all that we can to keep life *normal* and on an even keel.
I understand that your experience colors how you see this. However I do not think it is healthy for a child to one see a parent 4 days a month. How are they to have a relationship?
We work our tails off to keep the children as a priority in our lives. They know this. If you were to have asked them 4 years ago they would have told you they desired more time w/Daddy. Today they would tell you they love the EOW schedule.
We are the primary care givers in our situation. We make the homework rules and they know the consequences. We make and take them to the Dr.s We volunteer at the school. We are active in before and after school activities. We make sure to have an established relationship with the school and teachers.
My opinion of BM is not that she is an active participant in the childrens lives. This in my opinion and my experiance.
I don't think that and EOWeekend scheduele allows for the children to establish friendships with other children in the neighborhood nor the NCP. Is this fair? Is it fair to think that any child would enjoy this arrangement?

[ellehcim87]

Can someone explain the difference between sole custody and joint physical custody?  In the papers that the ex has filed complaining that my boyfriend is being a bad father by wanting 2.5 hours free on one day a week, she turned around and asked for sole custody with visitation and child support.  This after the original paper her lawyer sent saying he must pick her up everyday.  The whole thing my bf's lawyer said is a scare tactic since she would never win any of this and its very contradicting since its not only based all on lies but first she wants him to have her than turns around and asks for sole custody.  Its very confusing.  

[breezy]

sole custody: one parent has legal physical custody and is entitled to make all desisions re:child/ren

joint physical and legal: shared responsibility between parents that is recognized by the law

if you are going to court you might as well fight for what you feel is in the best interest of the child. you stated that you did not think this every other day arrangement was. if you ask for it, you would more than likely get an every other week arangement.

sole custody is typically enacted if one parent is beyond unfit. sole custody is rare. the only other instance is if one parent gives up their rights. this is typically agreed outside of court, as courts prefer a joint arrangement.

go back as far as you can and track your bf care of child. download and use the tracker on this site. give it to the lawyer and use it in court.

[speciallady]

"sole custody is typically enacted if one parent is beyond unfit. sole custody is rare. the only other instance is if one parent gives up their rights. this is typically agreed outside of court, as courts prefer a joint arrangement. "

Thats not necessarily true.
Family court is a fickle animal with many gray areas so one can't assume anything in regards to what is ordered.

My husbands ex has sole legal/physical and it has nothing to do with him being "unfit". I suppose it made sense to a mediator to recommend this due to the children living 3 states away.

Each case is different is my point :)

[MYSONSDAD]

What does your BF want?

If this BM is willing to work something out with him, have him make a list of what HE wants, work out a Parenting Plan they can both be happy with. Ask for more and leave room to negotiate. Keep the child at the forefront.

It might be a good idea to have him come to this site and ask questions directly.

Do everything possible to get Joint/Legal/Physical.

As far as lies, it is common place. Most of us face them everyday.

"Children learn what they live"