Father has child 51% of time???

[ellehcim87]

Here is the situation...My boyfriend has a 5yr old daughter and he is divorced.  He works 2, 24 hour shifts a week and ex wife works typical Mon-Fri work week.  Up until this past September he had the child every day during the week unless he was working.  She never had any daycare or play groups of any kind.  He also agreed to one Saturday night a month.  He returns the child to the mother an hour after she has already been home from work and has been responsible for 3 meals a day and also doesnt pay support since he has had child more than mother.  Problem...she started pre-school Mon, Wed and Fridays from 8-3 and he has now asked to not have to be her taxi cab driver/babysitter on Mondays and Fridays.  He would still babysit her on Tues, Thurs and pick her up Wed afternoons.  Mother somehow feels she is getting screwed and inconvenienced by this and wants father to pick up every day of the week no matter what the situation.  She has come back with a 12 page rebuttal to the simple asking of 2 days of per week.  My question is would a judge actually force him to pick her up everyday?  He wants to get on with his life, work more, start a life with me and basically force the mother to take responsibility of this child.  Most father see their children every other weekend.  How this mother sees her situation as getting screwed is beyond me.  We are planning on getting married next year and Im afraid this woman will be a constant thorn in our side if this is how she wants to play.  We have gladly said we would take full custody but that would make it impossible for her to control his life.  Any advice is much appreciated.
PS  Yes I am a single mom as well in case anyone was wondering.

[msme]

Is there a court ordered parenting or is this just something that evolved out of their divorce? If there is an ordered PP is that what he is following? With this info, we can give better responses. Thanks.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[ellehcim87]

>Is there a court ordered parenting or is this just something
>that evolved out of their divorce? If there is an ordered PP
>is that what he is following? With this info, we can give
>better responses. Thanks.
>
>You never get a second chance to make a first impression!


The original divorce stated that the father MAY have the daughter on the days he doesnt work.  He sent a letter to his lawyer asking to not pick her up from school on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and the lawyer sent it to her lawyer.  Now we are awaiting a 12 page letter from her lawyer with new requests on the mothers part.  He has also been paying the mother 1/2 the preschool cost even though it doesnt say he has to in the divorce.  My assumption so far is that the divorce doesnt say he HAS to watch the kid at all.  I never even knew there was any kind of law that would force a father to see his child at all, just pay support.  Thanks

[msme]

your boy friend is a very lucky man. There are so many fathers on this site who would give their right arm to even see their kids. How long has he had this arrangement? Can he prove how much time he has her? If not, he needs to start documenting. He should document everything, anyway.

After he has some documentation, he can file for a modification of custody. There are several excellant parenting plans on this site. He can download & modify one to meet his needs. He should go to the local school district & get their school calendar. That way he can use it to plan future changes & avoid going back to court every time there is a change in her life, as there will be as she grows & has more things going on.

When he has it in order, he can have his lawyer file it with the court. She will get the opportunity to amend it & the lawyers will negotiate an agreement with both of them. The judge will have the final say.

After that they will both have to follow it to the letter unless they learn to cooperate & work together for the child. then they can help each other out with necessary changes for special events.

Maybe I am just being nosey but you mentioned that you were a single parent. Is your childs father involved in his life? I hope you realize what a vital role fathers play in a child's development. The following is for your info & to share with your boy friend & let him know just how important he is to his child & to cherish every moment he can have both with her & doing for her.

Divorce and Fatherhood Statistics


61% of all child abuse is committed by biological mothers
25% of all child abuse is committed by natural fathers
Statistical Source: Current DHHS report on nationwide Child Abuse


79.6% of custodial mothers receive a support award
29.9% of custodial fathers receive a support award

46.9% of non-custodial mothers totally default on support
26.9% of non-custodial fathers totally default on support

20.0% of non-custodial mothers pay support at some level
61.0% of non-custodial fathers pay support at some level

66.2% of single custodial mothers work less than full-time
10.2% of single custodial fathers work less than full-time

7.0% of single custodial mothers work more than 44 hours weekly
24.5% of single custodial fathers work more than 44 hours weekly

46.2% of single custodial mothers receive public assistance
20.8% of single custodial fathers receive public assistance
Statistical Source: Technical Analysis Paper No. 42 - U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services - Office of Income Security Policy


90.2% of fathers with joint custody pay all the support due
79.1% of fathers with visitation privileges pay all the support due
44.5% of fathers with no visitation pay all the support due
37.9% of fathers are denied any visitation
66.0% of all support not paid by non-custodial fathers is due to inability to pay
Statistical Source: 1988 Census "Child Support and Alimony: 1989 Series P-60, No. 173 p. 6-7. and U.S. General Accounting Office Report" GAO/HRD-92-39FS January, 1992


50% of mothers see no value in the father's continued contact with his children.
--See "Surviving the Breakup" by Joan Berlin Kelly


40% of mothers reported that they had interfered with the father's visitation to punish their ex-spouse.
--See "Frequency of Visitation...." by Sanford Braver, American Journal of Orthopsychiatry

63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes
--U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census
85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes
--Center for Disease Control
80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes
--Criminal Justice and Behavior, Vol. 14, p. 403-26
71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes
--National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools
70% of juveniles in state operated institutions come from fatherless homes
--U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report Sept., 1988
85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home
--Fulton County Georgia jail populations & Texas Dept. of Corrections, 1992

Translated, this means that children from a fatherless home are:


5 times more likely to commit suicide

32 times more likely to run away

20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders

14 times more likely to commit rape

9 times more likely to drop out of school

10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances

9 times more likely to end up in a state operated institution

20 times more likely to end up in prison


There are: 11,268,000 total U.S. custodial mothers and 2,907,000 total U.S. custodial fathers
--Current Population Reports, U.S. Bureau of the Census, Series P-20, No. 458, 1991

Love your children & let their other parent love them just as much. There will be no losers & the children will be the big winners.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[ellehcim87]

>your boy friend is a very lucky man. There are so many
>fathers on this site who would give their right arm to even
>see their kids. How long has he had this arrangement?
>
>Maybe I am just being nosey but you mentioned that you were a
>single parent. Is your childs father involved in his life? I
>hope you realize what a vital role fathers play in a child's
>development. The following is for your info & to share with
>your boy friend & let him know just how important he is to his
>child & to cherish every moment he can have both with her &
>doing for her.

Hi, Perhaps I wasnt clear about his arrangement and what he desires.  What the ex wants him to do right now is make her life as convenient as possible.  This means picking her up from school on those 3 days a week and not allowing him to work more or have any other life activity.  The ex has 2 other non-working family members who love taking her that can pick her up.  He would then have the child 2 full days a week, which is more than most fathers get.  He has for the past 4 years taken her for 13 hours a day, every day of the week.  We dont consider picking her up for 2 hours on those days quality time with his daughter.  The mother simply doesnt want him to be able to have any time at all since she doesnt.  Most single mothers have their kids in daycare if they dont have family and have to drop off and pick up.  She has had the luxury of an ex husband who is at her beckon call.  He cannot work a 2nd job to pay his mortgage, work on his house or go back to school since he is a glorified babysitter.  He picks her up from school and for 2 hours she is completely wiped out and miserable.  Why would any judge force him to pick her up?  Its time he moved on and the mother take more responsiblity.  She is taking advantage of his schedule at work and simply doesnt want him to move on in his life since she hasnt.  Does that help?
ps yes my ex is very involved in my childrens lives but I would never expect him to go to the extremes my boyfriend does.  It just doesnt work that way in a divorce.  

[msme]

is a power struggle. He still needs to do a firm parenting plan. If not, his life will be filled with this crap. A parenting plan should never contain any wording that is not firm. The word MAY indicates that someone has to be given permission. Agreed upon, means both have to agree, giving power to the disgruntled one.

The courts may respect a well done parenting plan that keeps both parents well involved. Becareful to make sure that he does not come across as not wanting as much time with his daughter.

Maybe even ask that those hours be transfered to another day so that she can go home on her mother's days so she can rest before dinner, as she seems very tired after an active day of daycare.
Sometimes asking for things you don't really want will get you the things you want.

Good luck & God bless

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[ellehcim87]

Not so much a power struggle as its his ex-wifes way of manipulating and controlling his life.  I still dont understand though...can a judge actually force him to pick her up since he doesnt technically work 5 days a week?  And why cant he say he wants less time with her?  For 5 years now he has had her 5 days a week and 13 hours a day.  He has no life at all and does nothing with this kid socially.  The mom refuses to be "inconvenienced" at all since she feels dads only mission in life is to cart kid around forever.  What he wants is quality time with her.  Not to be a taxi cab driver.  What about when we get married?  Can a judge force him to pick her up everyday since the mother works?  This is just not typical of a divorced parenting situation.  He could technically ask for every other weekend and call it a day.  which in my opinion would be better since psycho mom cant let him have a life.  I dont see it as a benefit in anyway to pick her up 3 times a week for 2 hours.  Plus, the only reason mom asked for 1 saturday night a month from him was so she could go out.  He should have said no and taken her overnight during the week since she was there anyway but mom needed "alone time" and time to move on herself.  Which hasnt happened.  

[dontunderstand]

I'm sorry, but I really feel no sympathy.  My husband and I would love to be in a position to have SD 5 days a week 13 hours a day.  I highly doubt my Dh would feel like "a glorified baby sitter or a taxi cab driver" taking and picking up SD from school.  We would love to be such an influence in her life and allow her to feel that love and security the very same that I am guessing your soon-to-be SD doesn't feel at home if my spends that little amout of time with her.  I am guessing that you are the one that is feeling "inconvienced" by your boyfriend doing all of this for his X which he really isn't.  He is doing for his DD.  And everyone needs "alone time" 1 saturday night a month is more than reasonable.  Oh and by the way, a judge can make you do whatever he sees fit (within the limits of the law).

[ellehcim87]

>I'm sorry, but I really feel no sympathy.  My husband and I
>would love to be in a position to have SD 5 days a week 13
>hours a day.  I highly doubt my Dh would feel like "a
>glorified baby sitter or a taxi cab driver" taking and picking
>up SD from school.  We would love to be such an influence in
>her life and allow her to feel that love and security the very
>same that I am guessing your soon-to-be SD doesn't feel at
>home if my spends that little amout of time with her.  I am
>guessing that you are the one that is feeling "inconvienced"
>by your boyfriend doing all of this for his X which he really
>isn't.  He is doing for his DD.  And everyone needs "alone
>time" 1 saturday night a month is more than reasonable.  Oh
>and by the way, a judge can make you do whatever he sees fit
>(within the limits of the law).

I think youre misunderstanding everything here.  First of all...I dont even live near him.  Im an hour away and I have no issues whatsoever with his schedule with me.  He has put his entire career and life on hold to stay home with the child for 5 years now.  She has now started pre-school and he feels its time for him to start working more, continue on in school and allow his ex to take responsiblity for her own child.  Yes I agree that all moms need "alone time" thats what they make babysitters for.  It is not his job as Daddy to watch kid while mommy goes out drinking.  He was lucky enough to be a firefighter and works 24 hour shifts.  He bought a house this year and now can no longer afford to stay home 5 days during the week to watch her for 2 hours on those 3 days.  All he asked for was to have Mondays and Fridays free in order to be able to work more and further his education.  He is the only firefighter in his department that doesnt work a 2nd job.  He was only able to stay home that way because he had a very low rent.  He would gladly take full custody of her and I actually encourage it because it would be much easier and more stable for the child.  This picking up and dropping off everyday to the mom is terrible.  And by the way, her grandmother lives directly across the street from her preschool and would love to watch her those 2 days.  Its a power struggle on the moms part and her way of controlling his every move.   Everything Ive ever read says that its more stable for a child to be with one parent during the week of school.  The only reason the mother wants this and she has said word for word "its an inconvenience for me" to not have him pick her up.  And I still dont understand how a judge can force visitation?  Makes no sense to me.  You have to understand that this poor child is socially inept because she has been around noone but her father for 5 years.  There have been no outside social activity whatsoever.  They go to the mall or a park where other kids arent around.  Its quite sad.

[Lovingdad]

I'm sorry, but if I understand the situation correctly, your boyfriend deserves no sympathy from this site.
I am going to be in a four day custody trial October 11-14 to get shared custody, and more 'real parenting time' with my Son, including the right to keep him overnight and drop him off directly at his pre-school, rather than his Mother's house.  Father's should not be excluded from children's activeties, such as school.  Children need two parents.  Your boyfriend should be happy he picks up his child from school.