I AM the evil female...super long post

[Ref]

I just wanted to add a bit of my own thoughts.

1. You stated that the father wants to be part of her life. You and your daughter are very lucky. This is a very good reason, for your daughter's best interest, to promote a relationship immediately. He will undoubtably bring this to court. It may be next week or 10 years down the road. If you try to work things out now and assist (as MANY people will agree is your responsibility) in building this relationship, she will not be 3 years old having to spend long periods with someone she doesn't know. She will already be familiar with him and it will be a lot less stressful for everyone.

 You probably disagree and I'm sure that I will get a response from someone that I an wrong but the child is still such a little baby. I know people who have made mistakes for much longer than 6 months, learn to regret it and do everything in their power to fix the mess they made. I am sure this is the case with Dad.  He may have flaked out for 6 months, but jeeze, the next 17.5 years should be ruled by this?

Many fathers feel afraid and hurt by the relationship break-up. Many are scared of the accusations of the custodial parent (abuse). Many have to go through a greiving process.  Dads are not assumed parents, so many have the terrible fear of losing their kids, so they opt to back out for a while. Distance themselves emotionally. Usually this is temporary and after that, they can have a great realtionship with the child. Sure it is selfish, but not all people a perfect.

2. Sorry to say that you brought up one of the things that bothers me the most. Child support. You are not being generous by not collecting it. It is not YOUR money. By not excepting it, it doesn't give you the rights to more control over your daughter. This is what your child deserves. If you don't need the money, put it in a college fund. You did mention as one of the hardships that you have encountered being financial. I can't feel for you on this one. This was self-imposed. You did not accept the finanial support from Dad that he was willing and able to give, for what? So you can be the "suffering single mom"? IMO you should set up child support payments as soon as possible.  


I would love to hear that you have decided to allow Dad to be the Dad that he wants to be. I have a feeling he will bypass your permission and get it throught the courts, if you do not become more helpful.

[Brent]

>Given the fact that the ONLY thing they share at this
>point is genes, why would she have any more need
>or right to know him than a sperm donor?


Well, given the fact that the ONLY thing that YOU share at this point are genes, why should you have any more need or right to know your child than a womb donor?

[darkspectre]

LMAO!

Sometimes there's enlightenment in brevity.

[RainGirl]

>I just wanted to add a bit of my own thoughts.
>
>1. You stated that the father wants to be part of her life.
>You and your daughter are very lucky. This is a very good
>reason, for your daughter's best interest, to promote a
>relationship immediately. He will undoubtably bring this to
>court. It may be next week or 10 years down the road. If you
>try to work things out now and assist (as MANY people will
>agree is your responsibility) in building this relationship,
>she will not be 3 years old having to spend long periods with
>someone she doesn't know. She will already be familiar with
>him and it will be a lot less stressful for everyone.

First of all, let me say thank you for your response.  It seems I have managed to turn the borads into a flamefest and sorting through the posts to find those who are still trying to be helpful seems to have become increasingly difficult.  I've at this point had a couple of days to think and reflect upon some of the things that have been said here.  More and more I am coming to the conclusion that I am talking to the wrong people.  Not because I am not hearing what I want, I knew that coming in.  But rather that I need to be talking to him.  I'm still not convinced that contact is the best thing in the world, but I hate the way that we last parted.  It was brief and emotional.  I have always been a big believer in at least explaining why a parting occurs and not leaving the other party in the dark.  We had to memorize the preamble to the Declaration if Independence in 7th grade and it has always stuck with me as being wise and honorable.  Anyway, I also try at all costs to not react out of anger or hurt.  If something upsets me, I tend to give it time to cool, think it over, and not react immediately.  If later on I still believe that I have reason to be upset, I will talk about it.

That last day that we saw each other, I was very upset and emotional.  I didn't see how I was ever going to be able to heal so long as he was salting still fresh wounds.  Normally I would have given this some time and thought about it, but as I was walking towards my truck, he kept pushing for answers and insisted that I tell him what was wrong and what I was thinking.  I told him I would talk to him later and needed time to think but he continued to push.  The result?  An emotional "get away from me" type of response.  Yet as a lifetime of biting my tongue when emotional have trained for, I said as little as possible.  Enough to let him know what was running through my mind and satisfy what he was asking, but I did not go into detail as many of the things I was thinking were hurtful and emotional.  I never sat down with him and calmly explained what I was feeling.  I never gave him the opportunity to give me what he thought.  I never gave him the chance to plea his case or give his side of things.

That day, after such a brief explanation of things, I honestly expected to come home to either an email or a phone call.  At the time I figured I could then give things some time and cooling and go back and address them.  Yet there was neither.  Hours stretched into days which stretched into weeks.  YES (before getting flamed for this point) I realize that it is what I asked for.  He did nothing but give me exactly what I asked for.

But as time went by, I began to wonder why he was able to let go so easily.  I can honestly not imagine that I would have ever been able to walk away from any of my children...or in this case watch them go...without a fight.  I thought of all the things over time that he had claimed meant the world to him and yet he was willing to drop as soon as something more interesting came along,   I couldn't believe that he was that serious about his role as a parent.

Yet your points of being human and comments such as this have helped tremendously:

>Dads are not assumed parents, so many have the terrible fear
>of losing their kids, so they opt to back out for a while.
>Distance themselves emotionally. Usually this is temporary and
>after that, they can have a great realtionship with the child.
>Sure it is selfish, but not all people a perfect.

Thank you for that.  If nothing else, it has given me a way to view things that allows me to believe that perhaps he is willing to go the distance and be what she needs.  That it is not a lack of care, but rather some other motivation that allowed him to give in so easily.  Then again, as I stated in my original post, perhaps he has been taking these past couple of months to begin a legal process and did not walk away without a fight as it first appeared.  Either way, thank you.

>2. Sorry to say that you brought up one of the things that
>bothers me the most. Child support. You are not being generous
>by not collecting it. It is not YOUR money. By not excepting
>it, it doesn't give you the rights to more control over your
>daughter. This is what your child deserves. If you don't need
>the money, put it in a college fund. You did mention as one of
>the hardships that you have encountered being financial. I
>can't feel for you on this one. This was self-imposed. You did
>not accept the finanial support from Dad that he was willing
>and able to give, for what? So you can be the "suffering
>single mom"? IMO you should set up child support payments as
>soon as possible.  

The extreme financial hardship I spoke of occurred during the summer that I was pregnant.  School normally provides me with loans, scholarships, and grants to live off of, but as it was summer, these were not available.  I had found out that I was pregnant in May, just before school let out.  At the time, I worked in an environment that I was exposed to radiation and other environmental hazards and was no longer able to keep my job due to risks.  Not anyone's fault...simply how it was.  I had begun searching for other employment but by that time I had gone to my first prenatal appointment.  Due to health concerns at that point and complications that I had during my last pregnancy, I was placed on bed rest for 2 hours at a time and instructed not be up for more than 3 hours at a time before going down for another 2.  I am NOT proud of it, but I eventually went and applied for TANF (welfare) and it was over three months before the case was processed.  By that point, my savings had been depleted, I was behind on bills, and we were resorting to food banks and shelter handouts.  About the time we received TANF, school had started up again and provided me with a schedule that fit the bed rest situation) and I had income from another source.

No, we do not have an over abundance of money now, but my kids need for nothing in that department.  All of their needs and many of their wants are taken care of.  When she was 3 months old, he asked what I wanted to do by way of support and I told him that we were doing okay.  If he felt obligated, he could start a fund for her.  If it was ever needed, then it would be there and if not, then she could have money for school some day.  He agreed to that.  I'm not sure if he ever started that or not.  Moot point, however.

To be 100% honest, a big part of the reason I did not accept money from him was fear.  We had split up recently, too recently for comfort.  One of my friends left a physically abusive situation and in an attempt to get her back, her husband came into the house, took her daughter and left.  My friend called the police but when they arrived, they said since there was no custody order and his name was on the birth certificate, there was nothing they could do.  My ex had done that with his daughter once but it was for very different and very justified reasons.  In fact, I helped him do it at the time but as this had happened, I knew he was well aware that it could legally be done.  I am fairly certain he would never pull a stunt like that to simply regain control and bring me back, but I feared the possibility.  When she was born, I did not file to establish paternity.  Yes, this may have been selfish, but I was scared and did not want to be put in that position.  It could always be done at a later time and at that moment, I was grasping for every possible opportunity to feel safe in my own home.  I did not see that accepting support would help this situation.  It only gave him legal grounds and claim over her.  Something that I was not comfortable with at the time.  Yes, I could have started a college fund for her, but that would mean the money passed through my hands.  It seemed safer to allow him to do it on his own.

>I would love to hear that you have decided to allow Dad to be
>the Dad that he wants to be. I have a feeling he will bypass
>your permission and get it throught the courts, if you do not
>become more helpful.

More and more what I am coming to feel is that I need to talk to him, to hear him out, to at least try to find a common ground.  Perhaps we will never come to an agreement that both of us are happy with, but I at least need to try.  I hate the thought of allowing them to bond if the situation eventually leads to a total separation.  Right now their only tie is genetic.  Why allow more if it would hurt her eventually.  Yet time after time, we build relationships not just with parents, but friends, neighbors, coworkers, classmates.  All of these relationships can be meaningful and beneficial yet to believe that we will carry all of these relationships forever is unreasonable.  We suffer losses every day through death, parting of ways, moving, etc.  My daughter will never be exempt from being parted from someone she has bonded with.  When I move, she will be separated from my parents, my friends, her school mates, etc.  She will be given an opportunity to build new relationships where ever we go, but where ever we go, she will also lose them.

Allowing contact now does not mean that I have to do so forever.  It will allow them to get to know each other for the next couple of years.  If he continues to flake out on her and I am able to reevaluate things at that time and decide it is not what is best for her, then I will deal with that when the time comes.  If it is another loss that she takes on with part of the move, then I will do whatever possible to ease the transition for her and help her to establish bonds with family and loved one in the new place.  If he proves to be devoted and a good influence, then I will also deal with that when the time comes.  Nothing is written in stone.  Now, while we are still close and contact is easy, is probably a better time to test those waters and find out how the relationship will develop than once there are 1500 miles in between.  The first step is to talk.

Once again, thank you for not giving up on me.  Sometimes it may require a swift kick in the ass to see things from another point of view and break out of the one I am locked into, but I swear my heart is in the right place.

[Brent]

>If they currently had a relationship, there might be reason
>to keep him involved.

That's like me holding your head under the water and telling you that "if you could breath right now, I might let you keep breathing."

[skye]

Ok I have to say .. I have been where you are .. I too was in that type of relationship ....... I also was not married to him and I also wanted to move.. BUT .. I believe a child has a right to both parents, the logic is simply this she is not YOUR child she is BOTH his and YOURS .. You could not have her in your life without him playing a part right?

You have no right to say well she is MINE and I do not want you to see her.

My son is now 8 (almost 9) he spends every spring break every summer and EO christmas with dad... and OUR son is better for that...

My son can speak 2 languages fluently
My son has uncles and grammas and Aunts and cousins there as well as here, He is secure in both settings. He is loved by all of us and he KNOWS it....

ALSO keep in mind that how he is as a father is in no way affected by how he is as a partner.. he may have treated you badly, but that does not automatically mean he will treat her that way.

[lovehiskids]

In 10 years, when your daughter wants to know where her daddy is, will you be able to look her in the eye and tell her YOU made the choice to keep him away?

[kiddosmom]

To put it simply.....

Unless you are God or a judge YOU do not have the right to quest for logic or deny a parent their child.

[darkspectre]

That's how many times I counted your use of the word "I" and "me" in this one post alone. And I did a quick count so there's probably more.

So who are you trying to fool with your transparent concern regarding the supposed welfare of your daughter? You care about only one person in all of this, and I think the subject line pretty much answers who that is.

By the way, though I have no degree or formal training in psychology, I think I could safely and confidently submit that you need to seek some serious professional help. And not for the reasons you probably think.

Your long diatribes really have nothing at all to do with this poor guy you've repeatedly thrown under the bus to all of us. They're actually about you. You obviously have some very serious issues you need to deal with, starting with why you sabotaged your relationship with this guy, and why you're now trying to sabotage his relationship with his daughter.

Do this baby a favor and let her Dad raise her until you can get to the point where you're firing on all cylinders emotionally. And if you ever do get to that point, then you can start with supervised visitation, and after maybe a year or two you can be alone with her for an hour a week. At some point you might even get an overnight but only if he doesn't accuse you of emotional and/or physical abuse. If he does . . . well . . . then it's back to supervised visitations for you.

Oh, sorry, I was fantasizing there for a minute. So anyway, go get some help and fix yourself because he's not the one who's broken here...you are. Believe that!

[Brent]

>Since genetics do not matter in your view,, why keep her
>yourself? Obviously,  she needs no bond with you as a mother.
>Isn't that the "logic" you are using?

It sure is, and I believe that's called "shooting yourself in the foot". She doesn't get it, but you *know*  she'd have a major fit if she was on the receiving end of the crap she's planning on doing.

I noticed she didn't respond to any of my posts. I believe that's because I showed her the sheer nonsense in her "logic", and she has no way to argue with what I said.